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Therapy

Posted on Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

Dave!Why is it that everywhere I go, the weather turns uncharacteristically cold?

Just one day after Belinda was lamenting the terrible heat in Orlando, I arrive and it's so cold that I'm having to wear a jacket. Now I arrive in San Francisco, where the weather is generally mild this time of year, and it's so cold that I'm wearing a sweatshirt plus a coat and gloves! Harsh! If I were back home, cold temperatures would be normal and I could deal with it... but here? It's a little more than depressing.

Much like having your suitcase miss your connecting flight.

But things like this are really to be expected on one of the busiest travel day of the year, so I'm not bitter.

No, my bitterness comes from my flight out of Spokane this morning as I listen to the man in the row behind me talking to the woman he is sitting next to...

SCARY MAN: Do you frighten easily?
   
WOMAN: Uhhhh... no. Why? Is there something that's going to frighten me?
   
SCARY MAN: I just want to let you know that the next noise you hear may sound like a wild boar sneaking up behind you, but it's not. So don't be frightened when you hear it...
   
• • • SCARY MAN CUTS LOOSE WITH A MASSIVE, TOTAL PANTS-RIPPING FART • • •
   
WOMAN: Oh my gawd!!
   
SCARY MAN: See, no wild boars! You're safe!

I mean... seriously... what the hell?

It's very rare that I'm at a loss for words, but this is one of those moments. I was half-way considering turning around and saying "Do YOU frighten easily? Because the next noise YOU hear may sound like a foot being broken off in your stupid ass which, I assure you, it most certainly is."

Some people just shouldn't be allowed to mingle with the general populace.

And by "some people" I actually mean "most people."

Anyway... after finishing up some work, I had a perfectly wonderful dinner with Dan from Therapy Beckons and his lovely girlfriend here in the city. Just the thing I needed to help me forget about cold weather, airplane farts, lost luggage, Britney Spears' child custody battle, and the George W. Bush presidency.

Well, not really... but 4 out of 5 ain't bad.


Categories: Blogging 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. borysSNORC says:

    Every time you tell one of your horror fellow passenger stories, I am reminded of being stuck from London to Sydney beside a little Asian guy who was looking at pornographic comics and then pulling up his little airplane blankie for a spank, then going back to his book, and back under the blankie… repeat disgustingly for a couple of hours. I was totally grossed out but what can you do but edge as far away from the offensive little man as possible, make an ally of the guy sitting on your other side and try to get as drunk as possible. There truly are people who have no right to be allowed amongst regular people, and for some reason… we usually find them on trains, planes and buses :S
    Robyn

  2. Ana Genna says:

    Hi,

    The scary man in plane story was soooo funny!

  3. Avitable says:

    Airplane farts should be punishable by death.

  4. Sodapop says:

    I think this is the second time I’ve de-lurked (ever) to comment here….

    I would definitely lost my mind had I been on that plane when the man farted. That’s just…ummm well tasteless and disgusting! sheeesh!

    You’re right, some people just don’t deserve to be among us. That’s just sick. LOL

  5. Mrs RW says:

    Funny that you mentioned Britney Spears: while in the local Walgreen’s yesterday the headline on one of the tabloids was “Britney’s pregnancy confirmed”. I suppose if you can’t see the kids you already have you just start over…

    I know what you mean about the weather. On my one and only trip to California I was there for what was described as one of the coldest springs in memory. We must both have the bad weather gene.

  6. kilax says:

    That is so disgusting. So disgusting.

  7. Lewis says:

    Dave, some sort of Holiday THERAPY is needed…quickly! You’re in need of a stiff drink, a good bout of hard core perverted raunchy sex, or a giant Christmas present under the tree….I hope you get ’em all!

  8. Harold says:

    AIRPLANE FARTS !!!!!!! I’m surprised that the oxygen masks didn’t all drop down from the ceiling of the plane. Merry Christmas, Dave, and I can’t wait to try that ” Do you scare easily” on my Grandchildren….LOL

  9. Suzy says:

    I’m not a fan of fart humor HOWEVER, if you haven’t heard Scottish comic Billy Connolly’s routine on the man who farts next to him on a plane, you cannot understand the true meaning of “laughed till I cried.”

  10. Hilly says:

    Seriously, what the HELL? Who DOES that? I can’t imagine someone even SORTA thinking that farting on a plane is okay, let alone making a joke about it.

    I’m somewhat flabbergasted and I don’t flabbergast easily ;).

  11. sizzle says:

    did they know one another already? not that it would make it any less gross but EWWWW. who does that?! yeah, i’m almost glad i am semi-confined to my house right now. . . i get to avoid the weirdos.

  12. Dave2 says:

    NO! That’s what’s so astounding about it!! They were complete strangers! Ack!

  13. Oh my, maybe in some weird way he uses that as a pick-up line!

  14. Wayne says:

    Wow, I can’t believe you were sitting right in front of me on my flight! What a small world!

    btw, do you frighten easily?

  15. Hilly Sue says:

    They were STRANGERS?

    *faints*

  16. Belinda says:

    I’m trying to convince myself that you made that story up. Otherwise, I can never go out into the world again.

  17. bogup says:

    You should have asked for some hot coffee from the flight attendant, then poured it on scary man. Of course, you could then say it was an “accident” and didn’t mean to scare him.

  18. yellojkt says:

    He sounds like a real charmer. It’s a wonder she didn’t invite him back to the lav to join the mile high club. And then rip his johnson off for being a total asshole, figuratively and literally.

  19. vulgarwizard says:

    What a fucktard. She should have puked on him.

  20. Dariush says:

    This is magical. Something similar happened to me in Philadelphia, although thank God it was in the terminal. A guy standing and looking at the flight status screens lifted his leg and then proceeded to produce the most forceful fart I have ever heard in my entire life. It sounded like a cannon firing a bowling ball.

    The best part was the reaction of everyone around him. Three people recoiled in shock and horror. A guy working at a deli several feet away started laughing so hard he was crying and could not stop. The guy who farted just started walking like nothing had happened. It was epic.

  21. Hannita says:

    That fart story is funny. Like something that would happen at my parents’ house with family around. Horrified but terribly amused that this man did it on the plane.

  22. Ken says:

    Could someone send me a link or tell me which performance that was I have been trying to find it for a while. I could not stop laughing at that routine. Can anyone help if so send to my email?

  23. Dave2 says:

    This is not a performance or a routine or anything… it really happened. I don’t know if the guy got the idea somewhere or made it up himself or what, but it I was there and it happened exactly as I wrote about it.

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