Note to Delta Airlines... delaying a two-hour flight by 30 minutes because you are waiting for CATERING TRUCK is not cool. Not cool at all. I'm willing to bet a million dollars that if you had asked everybody waiting for that flight if they would rather take off on-time OR be delayed a half-hour so they could have a half-can of Coke and a snack on a short two hour flight... the vast majority would tell you to shove the Coke up your ass. Seriously. Thirty frickin' minutes late for a tiny bag of peanuts and a cup of soda? Are you shitting me?!?
Anyway, just like iPhone had said, there were thunderstorms over the mid-west which made for a very bumpy flight. The ultimate irony would have been if it were too rough for beverage service, but the cabin stewards were real troopers. Probably because they were afraid the passengers would revolt if the half-hour wait for Coke was all for nothing.
When I finally landed in Milwaukee, I was lucky enough to hop in a cab driven by a foul-mouthed taxi driver who loved saying the f-word at the end of every sentence. Curious to see if he would realize it, I started dropping f-bombs myself at every opportunity. If he noticed, he didn't react. Very quickly, my cab ride started sounding like an episode of Deadwood...
Twenty minutes later I was dropped off at my favorite of all Milwaukee hotels, The Intercontinental. Twenty minutes after that, I was eating giant beer pretzels at the Rock Bottom Brewery... a trip which was made slightly more difficult than usual because the Kilbourn Bridge that links the two was closed.
And here is where things get interesting.
As I was leaving the restaurant, I ran into a small group of people. One of the people in this group was a cute, but very, very drunk girl. The reason I say she was drunk was not because she was stumbling around and slurring her words... but because she was offering oral sex in exchange for a ride home. The group thought this was hysterical, and kept egging her on. I was tired and in no mood to deal with it, so I moved as far away from them on the sidewalk as I could, trying my best to blend in with the buildings.
My efforts were in vain, because she ran up to me almost immediately...
DRUNK WHORE: I mean it, whip it out and let's go!
DAVE2: No, no... we can't have that. You might choke to death, and then where would we be?
- At this point, her group is laughing uncontrollably -
DRUNK WHORE: But I need a riiiiiiiiiiiiide!!
DAVE2: Ah, sorry, I don't have a car. But if you want to walk back to my hotel, I'll give you a T-shirt.
DRUNK WHORE: But I need a riiiiiiiiiiiiide!!
She then goes stumbling off into the night... going wherever it is drunken women go on a Thursday night in Milwaukee.
As I continue on my way back to The Intercontinental, I pass a very nice-looking restaurant that's completely dead. I can't see a single customer inside. In an effort to drum up business, the valet notices me looking in the window and asks me if I have ever eaten there. I say I haven't, and ask if they have a full bar. He says that they do, and I should go in and check it out. I then sigh and express my regrets... "I'd love to but, with any luck, there's a drunken whore waiting for me back at my hotel room."
Alas, this turned out not to be the case, but it had such a nice ring to it that I'm going to have to keep it in mind the next time I need an excuse to get away from somebody.
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She was probably just pretending to be drunk to try to get to a Dave number of 1! But you were too smart to fall for it 😉
Or too stupid…
🙂
Um, I have a bad feeling I might have done something similar to drunken whore in my younger years…
On a brighter note, I know the beer pretzels of which you speak and they A-MAY-ZING!!
(man, I could totally go for one right now)(a pretzel I mean, not a bj)
my, my Dave… She would choke?
Some of the most hilarious moments I’ve ever witnessed were thanks to drunken whores. God bless ’em, but I’m thankful not to be counted among them.
I thought that a part of gaining a licence, was the requirement that every hotel have a drunk whore present at all times.
A rather classic bit of Daveness!
But I do happen to know where drunk girls go on a Thursday night in Milwaukee…
McDonald’s.
Hey what do you want, it’s Milwaukee.
You have vastly more exciting trips than I do. Probably due to the fact you have far more of them.
I kind of wonder what happened to the girl. Though it’s likely not anything good.
A typical day in the life of me. *siiiigh* I mean the “Deadwood” thing, not the … dead wood. heh.
I bet if they took a poll on that plane and asked if everyone is ok waiting for the catering truck and mentioned it had ** Diet Coke With Lime ** then the whole plane, except you, would have said “no way”. Then we’d get to see how good a salesperson you are, begging, pleading and offering oral sex to everyone to just wait for the cart.
“But I need a diet coke with liiiiiiiiiime”
The pilot would be all…
“I’d love to but, I have a drunken whore waiting for me at the next stop, I’m supposed to give her a ride. “
And you judge her as if you would not be working a Milwaukee corner in a second for the very thought of a Lime laced Coca Cola…..
DAVE2 WHORE: But I need a liiiiiiime!
Offering oral sex is how I typically get from one location to another.
I still haven’t heard back from Delta after filing my complaints this week for what they did to me last Thursday. I’m never flying Delta again.
You know, I’m surprised the drunk didn’t jump at the chance for a t-shirt. That was pretty dangerous offering her that, you might have ended up with a new pet!
WOOT!
Sorry this is unrelated to the post.
My t-shirts have arrived! Cool! I opened the box, put the “Zombies ate my brain” t-shirt on and got a comment less than 10 seconds after. Of course, it might be because I changed in front of everyone.
;-P
Diane… Loves me the giant pretzels at Rock Bottom!
Amanda… Yes, well, ahem… she was very drunk…
Atomic… Awww… come on! We all have a little drunken whore in us just waiting for the right opportunity to get out and make a fool of ourselves!
Jacki… That’s in Las Vegas.
RW… I am still reeling from the fact that somebody was so drunk on a THURSDAY. I mean, doesn’t she have someplace to be in the morning? I suppose she could have been on vacation or something?
James… My guess is that her group went after her. Or she flagged down somebody on the street to take her home after she “took them home” (or something like that).
Michelle… Wait a second… I don’t recall you dropping the f-bomb when you ran us to VooDoo Doughnuts!! My image of you is shattered! SHATTERED, I SAY! 🙂
Wayne… Oh they had all kinds of DIET Coke with Lime at World of Coke… but I don’t drink diet. So there wouldn’t be any begging from me!
Beth… Hah! Been there, done that!
Avitable… I guess it beats having to carry around bus fare…
Kyra… Yeah… a drunken pet that you have to clean up after! I can’t manage to keep plants alive… let alone a drunken whore! 🙂
Mike… Yes, but remember that it’s not necessary to take off your pants when all you are changing is your shirt…
Under the category of Lighten Up, Roberta, I find the whole thing upsetting… not only your flight delay, but the way her friends were egging her on. That is some scary shit.
I wonder why drunk whores never come up to meeeee in the middle of the night!?!? Hrm, maybe cause I have nothing to “choke” on.
Ahhhhhh, the old “drunken whore” excuse. 🙂
Seriously, you’re a nice guy Dave. I don’t know what I’d do in that situation. I consider myself a decent guy too, but I am in this regretful-of-my-boring-life phase.
It might depend on how cute she was. 😀
“i’ll give you a t-shirt” – heh!
Listen, I’m terribly sorry about that whole oral sex thing. But I reeeeeeally needed a ride.
Choke, eh? Mmmmm…let me know if you’re ever in Raleigh/Durham. 😉 And I don’t even need a ride. Heheheh.
I’ve used a similar “whore” excuse to get away from hungry men at meat markets, in my youth.
Why did I got to meat markets and then pretend to be a lezbot? Because that’s just how I roll.
Dave:
Don’t misunderstand rides are important. Wrapping ones lips around a strangers bits are a small price to pay for the all important ride. I mean we’ve all taking it in the backside at work, what’s a little sucky, sucky on the street. She’s not a bad girl. It’s not like she wanted to poop on your chest!
Walt
Not to change the “I need a ride” theme, but would Dave2 have waited on the tarmac forty-five minutes for a Coke with Lime?
Just wondering or maybe supposing here…
You should have gotten the oral sex and then given her $10 for the cab ride home. Oh wait…that would be like…hiring a hooker. I think that is illegal there. Yeah. Prolly best you didn’t. 🙂
How do you do for meeting girls like that ? You have a super power… I have no more explications ! 😀
I love the accompanying graphic. One of my favorites. It’s like lil Dave is really excited to be shouting obsenities out of a cab window.
That may be the perfect excuse to get out of most social functions. I’m sorry, Jenn, I can’t attend your wedding! You see… there’s this drunken whore who I promised to “give a shirt to” waiting for me at the hotel….
In March, my flight from San Diego was delayed 45 minutes because the one of the flight attendants overslept and was “running a little late.” They kept giving us updates—she’s on the freeway, she’s in the parking lot, etc. Somehow I doubt if I had overslept that morning that the airline would have held the flight for ME. Of course, our delayed departure caused me miss my connecting flight (scheduled for 1 p.m.—and the next available flight—11 p.m.). I could have driven home faster. My strongly worded letter to United resulted in a lame apology form letter and a $150 voucher for future flights.