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Whiteness

Posted on Thursday, February 22nd, 2007

Dave!I must be doing something right, because the volume of hate-mail I've been getting lately is five times what it was a year ago (I started keeping count after the Scary Clown Incident of 2004). February isn't even over yet, and I'm at a record-breaking 14 hateful emails/comments for the month! I always try to respond to people who have the balls to sign their name and give a valid email address... but all the anonymous crap is deleted with such speed that one could say it never existed at all (except as a tally-mark on my hate-mail count sheet). And since 90% of the stuff is from anonymous pussies who actually think I give a crap, hate-mail and hate-comments are never much trouble.

I suppose I should be crying on the inside, but my inner-child seems to be sleeping at the moment.

I wonder how much trouble I can get into today?

I am blessed with teeth that are naturally white. Since I don't drink coffee, don't smoke, and brush them three times daily, they tend to stay that way. And when I say "white" I don't mean "literally white" because they are actually teeth-colored which, in fact, is kind of an off-white color. But ever since I switched to the delicious Crest Whitening Expressions Cinnamon toothpaste, I've noticed that my teeth have been getting even whiter (whoa... the shit actually works!). They're now more white than off-white, and I am quite pleased about that.

Crest White

Unfortunately, I have an addictive personality and never seem to be content when something better is on the horizon.

Having mostly-white teeth simply isn't good enough anymore. I find myself secretly wanting brilliant-white teeth...

Dave Teeth

When I smile, I want anybody not wearing sunglasses to be temporarily blinded.

So when Crest sends me a $7.00 coupon offer that can be applied to a box of Crest White Strips, it's like offering a crack-addict a vial of cocaine. I clicked that link faster than Britney checks out of rehab, and have my credit card ready.

At least until I find out that the retail cost of a box of White Strips is $39.99, which means my desire for brilliant-white teeth requires an investment of $32.99... PLUS TAX!

Holy crap! For that kind of money I can buy the biggest Maglite flashlight they make (for temporarily blinding people), and still have money left over for a couple bags of Golden Oreos! I don't mean to sound cheap or anything, but $35 for whiter teeth? Maybe if my teeth were brown this would seem like a bargain, but I can't fathom paying $35 when my teeth are already mostly-white. I guess that I'll keep brushing with my whitening toothpaste and hope for the best.

And now, because I am a total meme whore, I've put that "book meme" that's been working its way around the blogosphere in an extended entry (I can't remember if I saw it first from Frances or SJ)...

THE BOOK MEME!

  • Science Fiction, Fantasy or Horror? I'm equally in love with Sci-Fi and Horror, but have never much cared for Fantasy.
  • Hardback or Trade Paperback or Mass Market Paperback? Paperbacks are too small. Hardbacks too uncomfortable. Trades are juuuuuust right.
  • Amazon or Brick and Mortar? I love a good book store (like Elliott Bay Book Co. or Powell's) but, since those are hours away from where I live, I mostly order over the internet.
  • Barnes & Noble or Borders? I like them both equally, but the bookstore at Pacific Place in downtown Seattle is a Barnes & Noble, so I guess they have the edge.
  • Hitchhiker or Discworld? Hitchhikers is like one of my favorite series EVAR.
  • Bookmark or Dogear? If it's a crappy paperback I've picked up just for an airline flight, marking my place with a dogear doesn't bother me. But I would never, ever do that to a borrowed book (including those borrowed from the library) or a hardback (unless I was reading a shitty book by Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh for some reason).
  • Magazine: Asimov’s Science Fiction or Fantasy & Science Fiction? I read neither, but would probably pick up a copy of "Asimov" before I would grab "Fantasy & Science Fiction." My favorite magazine is British movie mag "Empire."
  • Alphabetize by author, Alphabetize by title, or random? Author, in publication date order.
  • Keep, Throw Away or Sell? I usually end up keeping my books but, if I am running out of room, I'll donate those I don't want to a library sale or something.
  • Keep dust-jacket or toss it? If a book comes with a jacket, I keep it of course!
  • Read with dustjacket or remove it? If I have a convenient place to put it, I'll remove it. If I'm traveling or something, I'll leave it on.
  • Short story or novel? Novels. I've never much cared for short stories except for those "Encyclopedia Brown One-Minute Mystery" compilations when I was a kid.
  • Harry Potter or Lemony Snicket? I could never get into either one, and think that they are both overrated. From what little I've read, I think the Lemony books are better-written and less pandering.
  • Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks? Depends on how good the book is. Mostly I prefer to stop at a chapter break.
  • "It was a dark and stormy night" or "Once upon a time?" Both are so totally cliché that I would probably stop reading if I ran across either opening. If forced to choose, I'd pick "dark and stormy" because it sounds more interesting.
  • Buy or Borrow? I buy and borrow in equal amounts. If I wasn't afraid of losing a library book when I travel, I'd probably borrow more than buy.
  • Buying choice: Book Reviews, Recommendation or Browse? One of the great things about the Elliott Bay Book Co. is that the employees are all veracious readers and tape their recommendations to the bookshelves. I have found more incredible books by browsing their reviews than any other method, so I guess it's a combination of all three?
  • Lewis or Tolkien? Tolkien. I absolutely despise the Narnia crap, despite dozens of people telling me that they are the greatest books ever written. Tolkien, on the other hand, is an amazingly talented writer.
  • Collection (short stories by the same author) or Anthology (short stories by different authors)? If I can pick the author, I'll take the collection. Most times I buy anthologies, it's too much a mixed bag for my tastes.
  • Tidy ending or Cliffhanger? Depends on which suits the story better, sometimes an ambiguous ending is more fun. But if it's a cliffhanger not for artistic purposes, but instead to break the story in two and sell more books... I LOATHE THAT SHIT!! I will never, ever read a James Patterson novel again because I got to the end of "Roses Are Red" and found out that the story was incomplete until I went out and bought "Violets Are Blue." This is very upsetting to me, because Morgan Freeman's interpretation of Alex Cross in the movie adaptations is killer.
  • Morning reading, Afternoon reading or Nighttime reading? Anytime I have a chance to read, I'll take it. Usually this is late at night when I am in bed, can't sleep, and don't feel like working.
  • Standalone or Series? If the series is a set of self-contained adventures, I love a good series. The Tarzan and John Carter books by Edgar Rice Burroughs are series GOLD, with many of the more interesting installments taking place later on.
  • New or used? I prefer new, because you never know what the person before you has done with that book. When borrowing from the library, I try not to think about it.
  • Favorite book of which nobody else has heard? Douglas Adams (of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame) wrote a wonderful book about tracking down nearly-extinct creatures that is one of the most beautiful books ever written. I have wrote about "Last Chance to See" in Blogography often, and people who track it down always thank me for the recommendation.
  • Top 5 favorite genre books of all time? I have no idea what a "genre book" is, but am happy to list my favorite books of all time...
    • Noble House by James Clavell. I've read this novel at least a dozen times, and love it more each time I do.
    • Dune by Frank Herbert. The ultimate science-fiction novel.
    • Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy by Douglas Adams. Funniest books ever by one of the most brilliant minds ever.
    • Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. The book that changed my life. For real.
    • Son of Tarzan OR Mastermind of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs. My favorite of the Tarzan and John Carter books (read them online for free! Son of Tarzan / Mastermind of Mars).
  • Favorite genre series? It's a dead-tie between the aforementioned "Tarzan" and "John Carter of Mars" books by Edgar Rice Burroughs. Surprisingly, Tarzan is one of my most-hated movie characters, because they always make him stupid. That being said, I cannot wait for a good John Carter movie!
  • Currently Reading? I'm re-reading Asimov's Foundation Trilogy for the hundredth time.

Hmmm... unless some rabid C.S. Lewis fan decides to send me hate-mail for calling the Narnia books "crap," I think I'm safe!


Categories: Blogging 2007, BooksClick To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. ms. sizzle says:

    crest white strips really do work, i’m here to tell you. i wait until they go on mega-sale though. one time i got them for $20 and thought that i could make better use of my money if i doubled my useage. they say you can do two treatments in one day…um, i must have sensitive teeth because i could barely swallow water for 24 hours after my teeth hurt so much.

    it’d be really hard to talk to you at TequilaCon if you were blinding me. “hey, do you mind turning down your teeth?”

  2. diane says:

    FYI, P&G skinned cute little rabbits to test out that Crest toothpaste that leaves your teeth so sparkly white.
    I’m just sayin’. ;)

  3. Bre says:

    I once got a free sample of the “Go Smile” system with some makeup and it was AMAZING! I scurried out to buy it and found that, for blindingly white teeth, I’d have to shell out 100 bucks. Seriously, I’m fine with ecru.

  4. Lela says:

    Golden oreos?! Now I’m hungry! I myself prefer Fantasy Sci Fi–ever read R.A. Salvatore? I love his Dark Drow books.

  5. james says:

    Oh my zarking farkwads!! You’ve read the entire HG2G series? WOW!
    [flutters hands nervously like little girl]
    I own the ultimate 6-pack, it’s like my bible.
    I haven’t read Last Chance, but i’ll look into it on your recommendation! Thanks!

  6. Laurence says:

    Wow Cinnamon Toothpaste… I want to taste that !!! I am jealous !

    Great Meme… :-)

  7. Tracy Lynn says:

    All I’m saying is that you really should try Terry Pratchett. I loved Douglas Adams, thought Last Chance To See was possibly his best book, and I think that Pratchett beats him hands down as a satirist and humorist.

  8. claire says:

    I tried the Crest white strips once. They do work, but the peroxide taste kind of got to me. On sale plus a $5 coupon, they only cost $15 at the drugstore.

  9. Hilly says:

    LMAO, just pay the money and get veneers ;). That way uh….you won’t…uh…aid in the destruction of bunnies? (Diane, for the win).

  10. Bogup says:

    I’m waiting for chocolate toothpaste, or maybe caramel stips. Until then I’m with the stripe orange toothpaste sold at Costco.

  11. Troy says:

    “Last Chance to See” was great. I read it ages ago and told my friends about.

    And I think that the Hitchhiker Trilogy has some crazy absurd British type humour, which does appeal to everyone.

    Pratchett is funny as well. And some of his stuff can be just as absurd. You should give him a try (though I’ve heard you don’t want to start reading with the first two books – which I did and enjoyed).

  12. adena says:

    39.99? Do you have any idea how much those ridiculous ZOOM treatments cost at the dentists??

    Anyhow, I suppose you could go with the flashlight idea if you really want to be classified as “eccentric”. I mean, can you imagine?

    “I must laugh….wait whilst I find my flashlight….ahh…there it is. *click*….AH HAHAHAHAHAH *click*”

    Actually…maybe I can picture that… :)

    At any rate, I did the book meme last night/this morning as well.

  13. yellojkt says:

    I am going to have to steal that book meme. When I visited the Pacific NW a few years ago, I made sure to visit both Powells and Elliot Bay. Each is great in its own way.

  14. Some excellent books here! I love ‘Illusions’ by Richard Bach. I haven’t read ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’ but it’s now next on my list.

  15. Mooselet says:

    I’m so jealous – I want that toothpaste. Not the cinnamon, but the other ones from your older post. Citrus Breeze and French Vanilla Mint. Something new for my mother to send to me.

    I read the Hitchhiker books in high school – yes, I was a geek – and I loved them. I’d like to read them again when I have some time… at this rate it’ll be 2010!

  16. nancy says:

    I have more newest release toothpastes, whitening gel, floss etc., upstairs than you can imagine. At the conventions they just keep pushin’ all that stuff on us…It’s GREAT!

  17. Dave2 says:

    Ms. Sizzle… Oog. I like water enough that maybe White Strips are not for me. :-(

    Diane… As an on-again-off-again member of Peta, I don’t approve of animal testing. But even cursory research reveals that P & G’s use of animal testing is grossly exaggerated. Reps have claimed repeatedly they only use it as a last resort now-a-days, and even then it’s mostly in their drug research division, and not so much for their toothpaste line. I avoid most P & G products, but loves me the Cinnamon Crest.

    Bre… A HUNDRED BUCKS!! For that kind of green, my teeth not only better get incredibly white, but a representative from “Go Smile” had better show up and apply it for me!

    Lela… Nope. Other than Tolkien, elves and unicorns and stuff don’t really appeal to me. :-(

    James… Most people I know have read Hitchhiker. It’s like a classic!

    Laurence… Indeed. It’s the tastiest toothpaste ever!

    Tracy Lynn… Oh I’ve read his stuff… absolutely. I just preferred Hitchhiker’s to Discworld.

    Claire… Oooh. Another disturbing reaction to White Strips. My teeth are sensitive, so maybe it’s a good thing I took a pass?

    Hilly… Actually, I need veneers because a quack orthodontist ruined some of my teeth and they are kind of crumbling. But they are so, soooooo expensive!

    Bogup… I’ve had chocolate toothpaste before! It was very, very strange. Chocolate shouldn’t be gritty! :-)

    Troy… I prefer Adams, but have read a good chunk of Pratchett and enjoy his works as well.

    Adena… What’s a Zoom? Ordinarily that would sound like fun, but since it’s at the dentist, I am scared.

    Yellojkt… I love them both, but give Elliott Bay Book Co. the edge (probably because I get there more often and Powell’s is like a chain store now).

    Frances… Illusions was an equally wonderful Richard Bach book. Jonathan is a very quick read, but the meanings go so deep that I have re-read it dozens of times, discovering something new each read.

    Mooselet… Might want to skip the Vanilla Soft Mint… it’s kind of Pepto-Bismol-like. The citrus and lemon are good if you like those flavors.

    Nancy… You have all the fun. :-) After I discovered the Crest Whitening Expressions flavors, I fell in love. The cinnamon is the single best toothpaste I have ever used. Ditto for Glide dental floss and my beautiful SoniCare toothbrush!

  18. Kapha says:

    Asimov’s Foundation Trilogy is one of the best series I’ve ever read.

    I was stunned years ago to continue it into even more books he’d written including a prequel and sequels. Not sure if he’s still the most prolific writer of all time but he certainly was amazing.

    This is the series I wish Peter Jackson et al would do next by way of a movie. :)

  19. timothy says:

    I’ve got your back on the Narnia books. Really not well-written and kind of boring.

  20. Göran says:

    I have no troubles with hate mail. Probably because you are the only one commenting. heh.

    For white teeth I rely on Photoshop. I stopped appearing publicly years ago.

  21. serap says:

    I also have quite white teeth and once asked my dentist about getting them even whiter (why not eh?!). He was horrified and told me whitening products make your teeth more porous and therefore more sensitive and more likely to stain. No thanks, I’ll stick with the ‘quite white’! I actually wish I had a blog just so I could do this meme… I am such a book whore!

  22. Karl says:

    For some reason, reading through your book meme reminded me of another series I found enjoyable as a kid: A Wrinkle in Time. Did you ever read that? Madeline L’Engle or something like that. I’m too lazy to go look it up.

  23. Avitable says:

    And here I was trying to come up with something to blog about today. Voila! Dave is a lifesaver yet again. Although I’m sad that you don’t like CS Lewis.

  24. Jeff says:

    I never understood hate mail for bloggers. Last time I checked, reading someone’s blog was completely voluntary.

  25. August says:

    Ahhhh, my eyes!!!

    Ok, I’m starting to see our similarities now which explains even more why I like reading your blog so much.

    I have white teeth too and LOVE when people compliment my straight white teeth. I drink coffee though, if that’s what you want to call it. I only drink it for the vanilla creamer which I use a lot of to make the coffee taste ok. It would be gross to drink black coffee but it would be equally gross to drink straight creamer. I counteract the staining effects by brushing several times a day.

    I also have an addictive personality but at least I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. Right? Hey, I feel justified.

  26. Michelle says:

    I get whitening stuff from my dentist for $10/tube that lasts a week. Totally works. Doesn’t kill my sensitive teeth. I’m a vanilla tootpaste person. The cinn. is too strong.

    Try Terry Goodkind. It’s a cool series for fantasy. Only 1 dragon in the entire series but currently my favorite series, eva. The Narnia books: am I the only one that didn’t like the books or the movie?

  27. Michelle says:

    Oh, I forgot, something else to think about … ever see the Ross’ teeth whitening episode on Friends? Hilarity. Ya might wanna reconsider.

    :o)

  28. Shannon says:

    I love the cinnamon crest too, but once I run out I’m probably going to try something different as I get no “whitening” from it. I don’t drink coffee or smoke either . . . it must just be genetics in my case!
    And yay for books! This yet again reminds me that I really need to read the Hitchhiker books.

  29. rachel says:

    I seriously don’t know how you get that much hate mail. I didn’t even get that much when I was on my “how many people can I piss off with one paragraph” rants.

  30. Eve says:

    I’m glad my teeth are white (don’t drink coffee or smoke either), because I had no idea those white strips were so costly. For $75, you can get a cleaning at the dentist instead of having to put those strips on your teeth every day.

    About books, I read the Narnia books when I was really young, which is why I like them. I think if I had read them for the first time as an adult, I wouldn’t have been a fan. Thankfully, the Tolkien books, which I love, weren’t ruined for me by the popularity of the movies (which I really enjoyed). I like the Harry Potter books, because I read the first one when it had just come out. If I had to jump on now, I’d probably be too jaded by the hype. I’m one of these people that are turned off by things once they become popular and mainstream. I probably shouldn’t be that way, considering that the CONTENT isn’t changed, just the way it’s perceived, but that’s how I am.

  31. Well, you said you wanted to read it. *grin* ‘Tis up now dude, if you want to stop by.

    I’m afraid I got a bit carried away, so it’s a tad long…but I suppose that’s to be expected, huh? I had a blast answering it however, so thanks for passing it along, Dave.

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