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Bullet Sunday 16

Posted on Sunday, February 4th, 2007

Dave!It's Bullet Point Sunday at 30,000 feet as I fly cross-country for my layover in Seattle!

• Mouthy... Is there an over-abundance of loud-mouthed, obnoxious bitches in the world... or is it just my grave misfortune to be consistently seated in their vicinity during long plane flights? I had yet another one behind me for a lovely 9 hour flight out of Cologne. This woman talked CONTINUOUSLY, irritating the shit out of just about everybody. Fortunately, by the time she got to her rant about Mexico being a "dirty, disgusting, 3rd-world country that she won't visit," I was able to turn on my iPod. This saved her from my wrath, as I was just about to start screaming "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UUUUUUUP!! But, alas, I couldn't resist being a smart-ass when she was in the lavatory...

Stupid Airplane Bitches

Stupid Airplane Bitches

Stupid Airplane Bitches

Stupid Airplane Bitches

And you know what? I don't even f#@%ing apologize for saying it. Screw her and her big mouth, because NOBODY wanted to hear it. All we wanted to do was have a peaceful flight under cramped, horrible conditions, and I don't think that's too much to ask. Read a book. Watch the movie. Listen to music. Do whatever the f#@% gets you through those nine hours... AS LONG AS IT ISN'T BUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYBODY ELSE! Because blathering loudly about stupid shit while people are trying to relax or sleep or work or whatever is just making you an inconsiderate asshole.

• Vistahahaha... And while I'm on the subject of people saying stupid shit... has Bill Gates started smoking crack? I've been catching up with my news feeds, and have no other explanation for his recent bizarre comments. I guess when you are on the defensive, you'll come up with all kinds of crazy stuff to explain why a product that took TEN YEARS to release is so lame compared to the competition.

• Overhead... I love it when some dumbass comes rolling on the plane with his full suitcase, briefcase, lunch bag, AND carry-on, then starts demanding that people take their stuff out of the overhead bins so he can fit in all his crap... "IS THIS YOURS? YOU CAN FIT THIS UNDER YOUR SEAT!! COME ON! THAT CAN FIT UNDER YOUR SEAT!!" Yeah, well f#@% you buddy, I check my luggage and carry on my one measly little knapsack so I can have the much-needed legroom. Why don't you shove your massive roller-bag up your ass... or, perhaps, check it at the ticket desk so people don't have to listen to your bullshit.

• Stamp... Since my previous passport expired, I had to get a new one. Once again I have noticed how other countries have passport control personnel who carefully stamp your entrance and exit neatly into the square boxes and in sequential order. Why in the hell do USA passport control people decide to skip ahead 3 pages, then stamp your passport outside the boxes in the middle of the f#@%ing page? That page is then rendered useless, which is why frequent travelers like me end up having to purchase extra pages for our passports. I mean, you are stamping passports all f#@%ing day long, and you haven't figured out how to make it fit in the box? On the up-side, I have to say that my entry into the USA via Newark International was one of the quickest, nicest, most courteous immigrations and customs checks I have ever had. Bravo to the people at Newark who obviously have their shit together (except when it comes to getting the stamp to fit in the box).

• Security... I wonder what the penalty is for bitch-slapping a TSA agent? I don't want to end up in jail or anything, but I am getting sick and tired of their idiotic behavior. "DO YOU HAVE A LAPTOP IN YOUR BAG SIR? YOU NEED TO REMOVE YOUR LAPTOP FROM YOUR BAG, REMOVE YOUR SHOES, THEN REMOVE YOUR JACKET!!" Uhhh... okay... let me get to the table first... "YOU NEED TO REMOVE YOUR LAPTOP FROM THE BAG NOW SIR TO AVOID HOLDING UP THE LINE!!" Yeah, well, there are six people ahead of me before I can get to the table, and I'm not talented enough to juggle my laptop, jacket, and knapsack while trying to remove my shoes at the same time. If you want me to do all that crap sooner, get a longer f#@%ing table and stop riding my ass over something that takes me 20 seconds ONCE I GET TO THE TABLE.

And here I am in Seattle where I can post my entry and then sit around for four hours while I wait for my final flight home. Extended layovers suck ass.

Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. Karen Rani says:

    You crack me right up – did the lady shut up once her seat mate ratted you out?

  2. Sassy says:

    Oh the security thing…soooo true! Ha! And what about AFTER you’ve taken your shoes off, you’re half naked,laptop is out, they’ve searched you and then they start yelling at you to move along because you’re holding the line up. Well sure, but I’m not that talented to bend down, put my shoes back on, while shoving my laptop in my bag, zipping my purse back up, putting my jacket back on, etc etc. I LOVE flying.

  3. adena says:

    What? Are you taking a puddle jumper the 2 hours home? *Shudder* I hate puddle jumpers….

    Oh, and that cartoon? You’re my hero.

  4. kazza says:

    what a crackup 🙂

  5. Mr. K says:

    I hear you on ‘Overhead’ and ever-babbling passengers. I fly to Dusseldorf in about two weeks and hope that a good movie list will outweigh smelly seat neighbors and rude custom officials.

    At least my stopover is Frankfurt – that airport has a pretty good air/smoke management system. Which does not save me from smoking family members once I reach Essen :/

    On the other side I will fly back to West Virginia via Chicago, where I have not been yet. Yay!

  6. Avitable says:

    Doesn’t Newark have a sign that says “Thanks you for visiting the United States?” That’s a really good first impression for international visitors.

  7. RW says:

    You know, to be honest, I’ve seen so many terminals and TSA agents and obnoxious people on airplanes that I think I must be immune to it all. My trips through airports are now like blurs. Last time out I had an early morning flight; I fell asleep while we were pulling away from the gate and don’t remember the take off.

    Missed my chance at a painless plane crash there I guess. Ah me, life sucks.

  8. ms. sizzle says:

    but WHO was she talking TO?! herself? ohmygod. that’s pure torture. i’m so glad you made that remark. you said what everyone on the plane was thinking. she sounds like an ignorant snob- the worst kind!

    welcome home. 🙂

  9. Hilly says:

    I don’t know if you watch “The Daily Show” but Bill Gates was on recently and the interview cracked me up….mostly because he is so socially inept and John Stuart kept trying to pull the fun out of him. I felt like a little bit of a dirty girl after watching it ;).

    I am all for the smacking of obnoxious fliers, from the Tammy Talksalot to VIP Overhead Dude.

  10. Dave2 says:

    Karen… The woman sitting next to her wasn’t traveling with her, but was more than happy to keep the conversation going… I guess this makes her equally guilty?

    Sassy… You would think that after years of doing this crap, the TSA would have a better idea how to handle the screening. Some of it is laughably nonsensical.

    Adena… Yes. Well, kind-of. The actual flight is just 35 minutes… and it IS a jet-prop plane, so it’s not too bad.

    Kazza… I guess you had to be there? Because it wasn’t at all funny. 🙂

    Mr. K… Dusseldorf is kind of a fun city. Do you at least get to stop off at Monkey Island before heading out to Essen? 🙂

    Avitable… It was so quick and painless getting through customs and passport control that I never had the opportunity to read any signs! But that would be kind of embarrassing.

    RW… I pretty much am immune to it all by now as well. I don’t write about half the crap I run across anymore because it just doesn’t seem extraordinary… it’s just the way it is. Sad.

    Ms. Sizzle… No, she was talking to some German girl (whom I assume was wanting to practice her English or something). But the German girl wasn’t very annoying… she knew how to speak in an “airplane voice” so as not to disturb others. A pity the crass obnoxious bitch didn’t get the hint.

    Hilly… Ah, I love The Daily Show, but don’t record it when I am gone because I’ll never get caught up with a show that’s uhhh… daily… and all. I’ll have to look on YouTube or something.

  11. Bre says:

    I imagine that getting off the plane after listening to her was nothing short of miraculous!

  12. Laurence says:

    Mounthy… It is not your misfortune! You have a great sense of humor… I love this cartoon !!!

    Vistahahaha… You know what ? Here, there is a commercial with a pretty french girl but she is completly insane… This poor little girl makes a horrible commercial for Vista… It is a shame !!!

  13. Love the Gates interview. So, “Nowadays, security guys break the Mac every single day. Every single day, they come out with a total exploit, your machine can be taken over totally. I dare anybody to do that once a month on the Windows machine.” Are you sure about that, Bill? You got some documentation? ‘Cause “honesty [does] matter in these things” and I’d hate to think that you are “a lying person whenever you feel like it.”

    I learned from my mom, really early on in my life, that if you confront rude people head on you can shame them into acting like decent human beings. I can remember one time we were at the opening night of a movie – all the seats were taken and everybody was elbow to elbow – and there were these two college kids sitting beside my mom going at it with a hot’n’heavy grope fest. So she said, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Honey why don’t you just get in the floor and get it over with already?”

    Strangely enough, they stopped and we were all able to watch the movie in peace. You oughta try it some day, dude.

  14. kapgar says:

    I nominate you for Air Marshal. You have full bitchslap and lavatory doorlocking rights. Knowing she was in there makes me want to see Snakes on a Plane really happen. Those bathroom scenes were great.

  15. too bad you couldn’t put that annoying lady in the overhead compartment. 😀

  16. Eve says:

    While I’d LOVE to be your travel companion at least once, I’m too afraid to be arrested!!!

    Oh and about the Passport stamping. My first reaction — as always — is The Global Conspiracy. “They” want us to renew our passports more often so “they” can make money off of us. My next reaction — which is the most likely scenario — is that yes, these bastards stamp passports all day you’d think they’d be stamping experts. Problem is they’re probably lazy, disgruntled, and take no pride in their job whatsoever. Hence, the haphazard stamping of your passport in the U.S.

    Welcome home!!!

  17. amanda says:

    I understand your frustration about carry-on items. I usually travel with a small checked suitcase and messenger bag that fits perfectly under the seat in front of me, even when full (although it usually isn’t). I recently took a puddle-jumper from Raleigh to Boston, and the airline was asking people with large carry-ons to please hand them over to the aircrew so that they could be placed with the checked luggage (due to the small size of the aircraft). You should have heard the bitching and moaning.

    Mind you that this is only about a 70-minute flight…what the hell do you need with a carry-on that big during a flight that short?

    And don’t even get me started on the TSA at Raleigh…I strategically dress when I fly so as to not be stopped for too long. This usually means flip-slop sandals, jeans with a cloth belt and a small buckle, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt with minimal jewelry. At most airports, I can get through security and only have to put my bag through the Xray screener. But at Raleigh, I have to remove my 1/8-inch thick sandals, my belt, all of my jewelry except for earrings (a wooden bracelet, wedding rings, and a watch), and my sweatshirt. Gah.

    Pretty soon we’ll just have to strip naked and be anally probed before we fly.

  18. Kyra says:

    Welcome back… you bring chocolate?

  19. Vero says:

    WTF with that bitch’s comment about Mexico????!!!! In the name of all the mexicans that read this bullet sunday entry, all we have to say is: F*ck you!!!!!!.
    I wish that you had locked her in the bathroom… seriously. Anyway, I loved your this bullet sunday entry. It cracked me up. ^_^


  20. Dave2 says:

    Bre… Me and the passengers that were seated next to me were all joking that she’d end up standing next to us at baggage claim. 🙂

    Laurence… I think that you would have to be insane to get all excited over Vista. 😛

    Librarian… The harsh thing here is that this clueless bitch had no idea just how horrifyingly irritating she was. That just makes it so much worse.

    Kapgar… If I were actually Air Marshall, the number of people allowed to fly would be reduced by at least 80%. Probably 90%. 😀

    Dawn… Unfortunately, many an asshole had filled up all the overhead storage before she even boarded the plane. 🙁

    Eve… Well, I’ve never been arrested yet, and I travel fairly often… so I think you’d be safe. 🙂

    Amanda… Flying is just such a horrid experience anymore. Between security, declining seat-room, non-existent amenities, and dumbass passengers… it’s almost to the point where I just want to stay home!

    Kyra… I did, as a matter of fact! There’s a candy bar called “Mars Delight” that I love more than life itself… but it’s not available here. So whenever I am in Europe, I grab a handful to being back with me.

    Vero… No doubt. In-between watching movies and listening to iPod and such, I had to overhear her nonsensical ranting on just about everything from illegal immigration and foreign policy to girls with tattoos and how her daughter tells her she’s the smartest person on the planet. When it comes to why other countries think that we’re all assholes in the USA… she could be the poster-child. The fact that she’s a stupid ignorant bitch who lives in fantasy-land with NO grip on reality makes me wish that she would stay home and not embarrass us anymore. Sadly, idiots like her are all too common.

  21. yellojkt says:

    My son read the sign that said you don’t have to take of your shoes, so insisted on not taking off his shoes. We tried to warn him, but no. The full wand treatment. The TSA is so passive aggressive.

  22. adena says:

    Yeah, I meant a 2 hour DRIVE….:)

    I realize the flight would be shorter. Heh.

  23. Kyra says:

    *sigh* Well, you saved yourself from an impromptu visit from me. Had you brought back blocks of fancy chocolate, you’d be in danger. 😉 I admit to being rather curious about the mars delight… hmmmm….

  24. delmer says:

    My History-of-Windows memories are failing a bit these days, but didn’t Windows come out of something Gates and crew were working on with Apple, and then MS decided to bail?

    Xerox PARC is in there somewhere — I think they had the first GUI.

    MS and IBM were also in bed together with OS2, before MS jumped ship.

    The weak point I’m trying to make is that Gates should take a moment or two to think things over before he starts talking about features that others have borrowed from MS.

    It wasn’t that long ago that stories were popping up on a regular basis in which MS would approach a company with technology MS was interested in with an offer to work together. It was suggested that after MS got what they wanted, they’d ditch the company and ‘develop’ the feature they’d been looking at on their own.

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