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Posted on Wednesday, December 1st, 2004

Dave!Today was a rather interesting and eventful day. Just when I thought I had a handle on things, something shocking, surprising, or otherwise strange would come along to mess with my head.

The end of my work day was no exception. I get out of a meeting, go back to my office to grab my coat and notice a package sitting on my desk. Ordinarily, this would not be unusual, as I get dozens of packages every week. What made this one unique is the fact that it was plastered with US Customs inspection stickers. What the-?

The return address was partially obscured but I did figure out it was from England, which made me think: "ENGLAND?!? That's odd, I get all my cocaine imported directly from COLUMBIA! (or Taco Bell, via their Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes)." Oh well, I figure if it's cleared from Customs, it must be safe to open. So I open it only to find that an interior envelope had also been inspected...


Curiouser and curiouser... what could possibly be so astoundingly interesting to US Customs that an X-ray of an envelope could cause such scrutiny? Drugs? Fresh fruit? Animal feces? LIVE KILLER BEES?!? My curiosity gets the best of my and I bravely open the envelope...


Uhhh... it's postcards, a gift card, and delicious MARS DELIGHTS CANDY BARS!!! Apparently my good friend (and fellow Hard-Rock fanatic) "The Ref" has decided to deter my current addiction to "Fiesta Cheesy Potatoes" by getting me re-addicted to one of the most fabulous candy bars on the planet!

But wait, there's more... Customs opened one of the candy bars as well. Hungry perhaps? Err... no, they didn't take a bite, just verified that chocolatey goodness was indeed inside. And that's when I noticed that the Customs stickers plastered all over everything are actually from Homeland Security.

What the-??

Isn't Homeland Security there to protect us against terrorist threats? What in the heck did they think was in there? I can't even guess. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly appreciative of Homeland Security's astoundingly difficult fight to protect us from harm, but don't they have scanning equipment and stuff? How do they know that the Weapons of Mass Destruction they're looking for in my candy wrapper weren't chocolate-covered?

Bizarre. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm long overdue for a sugar coma.

Categories: Food 2004Click To It: Permalink


  1. The Ref says:

    I’m glad they got to you sort of OK.

    I actually got Caty to post them for me in NY to try and avoid all the hassle of the security checks. Obvioulsy, if you put a UK address on it will get opened where ever you post it.

    Try and see if you can make the Mars Delights last a while.


  2. Ben says:


    Weapons of Mass Sugar overload.


    Amercia scares me sometimes. Make that a lot.

  3. Dennis says:

    Perhaps they look exactly like sticks of dynamite on the X-ray, ’cause you know—it’s what all the terrorists are using these days. Plastic is so passé. Soon we’ll hear of the brave flight attendant who averted disaster by spilling Pepsi in someone’s lap, thus wetting the dynamite and preventing them detonating.

    I could test my theory by taking a few on my next flight, but the term “full cavity search” isn’t one I’m longing to hear…

  4. Neil T. says:

    Maybe it’s because Mars Delights are so addictive, like crack cocaine 🙂

  5. the feds!!! says:

    Actually, drugs come from all over the world,not just South America. Europe sends a lot of ecstacy and marijuana (seeds and plant) as well as items used in the production of meth.

    Looks like the candy under an x-ray might have resembled pills or another substance of suspicion. Remember, the people who traffic narcotics, just dont place it in a bag and label it for us. They hide it very well… and use everyday things like candy and food to hide it in.

    On the surface, you ask what harm could my candy pose… and in your case you were correct.

    However, if you have seen the ways narcotics have been hidden… that candy looks like a perfect container.

    Also US Customs was merged with Immigration and Naturalization Service and a part of the Department of Ariguclture into Customs and Border Protection (CBP) which is 1 of the 23+ agancies that make up Department of Homeland Security.

    The green tape you have is exclusively used by CBP, and was examined by a CBP officer, probally for customs reasons. While the mission has expanded to inlcude terrorism items, CBP still looks for narcotics as well as enforcing other trade laws.

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