And how has your Monday been going?
ME: "This day has been truly awful. I sure hope that there’s some kind of disaster waiting for me at home that I have to deal with!"
UNIVERSE: "Um... how about a leak from a 12-pack of Coke in your refrigerator?"
ME: "HA! That’s the best you can do?"
UNIVERSE: "Remember how you deep-cleaned your entire refrigerator a month ago? How about the Coke leaks EVERYWHERE so you have to deep clean everything again?"
ME: "Pathetic. This is ME we’re talking about. You’ll have to try harder than that!"
UNIVERSE: "Hmmm... how about the Coke carton has gotten so soggy that when you pull it out the cans go bouncing everywhere?"
UNIVERSE: "Really? Okay... one of the cans falls onto the door shelf and causes it to break off."
ME: "It’s like you’re not even trying."
UNIVERSE: "The shelf falls on another shelf and causes it to break off. And these are the only two shelves that have glass jars and bottles on them."
ME: "Nice. Do they shatter and make a massive pile of condiments, soda, and glass shards all over my kitchen floor?"
UNIVERSE: "Of course! Oh... and the mess runs underneath all your appliances so you have to pull them out and clean under them as well."
ME: "Perfect. I love it. Keep going..."
UNIVERSE: "Jesus. Um... how about one of your cats happens to be in the kitchen when this goes down?"
ME: "Can it be Jenny? She’s easily frightened, so her being traumatized will mess up my head real good."
UNIVERSE: "You got it. Say... how about we have a shard of glass land by your foot? And it will be pointing up so it will slice into it real good when you try to catch the last few cans?"
ME: "Eh... would be better if I had a filthy kitchen and my tetanus shot wasn’t up to date... but why not? Yeah, throw that in!"
UNIVERSE: "We good with all that then?"
ME: "Maybe? Anything you could toss on top? The cherry on a sundae? Just a little ‘fuck you’ so I’ll know you really care?"
UNIVERSE: "When you go to start mopping it all up, the head of your mop falls apart."
ME: "YES! I’ll take it! Let’s go with that!"
UNIVERSE: "Alrighty then... your wish is my command."