So there I was, merrily hacking away on my latest project at work when I feel something tickling my hand. I look down and there's an ant crawling on it. "Well hello there, little fellow? Did you get lost?" Then, as I am getting up to take him outside, I notice ants E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. Crawling on the floor. Crawling up my desk. Crawling on my Doritos...

"HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIT! ANNNNNNNNTS!!! I scream.

I then shake off the ant on my hand, run and get the vacuum cleaner, then unleash armageddon upon the ants.

You see, when it's one ant, it's cute. When it's a swarm of ants... not so cute. That's when my Buddhist leanings towards all life being precious and doing no harm get chucked right out the fucking window. DIIIIIIIE! DIE YOU SCUM!!!

After looking around to see if Ant-Man was hiding in a corner somewhere, I went and whined about it to a co-worker. I was upset that there were ants. I was upset I had to Hoover them. I was really upset I had to Hoover my Doritos.

"Ah. They were after the Doritos then."
"What? Why? Ants love sugar. I eat Doritos because they have zero sugar."
"SOME ants like sugar. Other ants love grease."
"GREASE?!?"
"Yeah, grease. Fats. Like in your Doritos."

I Google that shit and, sure enough. some ants love fats.

I did not know that.

What I DO know? I've got moles. At least that's what the internet tells me after I shared my security camera footage...

The mole dug along my sidewalk, then popped up in front of my flower bed.

I have lived in this region of Redneckistan most of my life. I've never seen a mole. The only place I've seen a mole hill is not anywhere around here. I've also seen them in cartoons. Figures that the time I finally have a mole experience is when I buy a home and they are tearing up my front yard.

I did Google that shit to find out what I'm dealing with, only to find that moles are kinda cute...

They're also smaller than I thought. Like... tiny. Fit-in-your-hand-tiny. Amazing how they can cause such a ruckus when they're so small.

Anyway... turns out that moles, unlike ants, are aggressively solitary. Which means I probably only have one mole.

The last thing I want to do is kill him so, thanks to the internet, it's been suggested I try ultrasonic spikes to drive him away. I ordered them immediately and they will be here Thursday. And Thursday can't get here fast enough. The little bastard is really going to town. I came home to this...

I may not have a yard left by Thursday!

I always wondered where "Whack-A-Mole" came from.