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Posted on Wednesday, February 8th, 2012

Dave!I woke up with a massive headache. Things only went downhill from there. For one thing, it snowed last night. For another thing, I got an email that made me want to slam my already-aching head into a wall. There really should be some kind of law which forbids being assaulted by dumbassery before 9:00am.

Especially on Wednesday, because that's New Comic Book Day!

Though I'm a lot more excited by the Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum victories in the Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado Republican primaries. Do I even dare hope that he'll actually win the nomination? Because that would be the single most mind-blowingly awesome entertainment America could hope for. Time to take a look a the top contenders...

What happens if he wins? The presidential contest will be relatively boring. Other than breaking out in song with America the Beautiful and trash-talking President Obama, Mittens doesn't have much else to actually campaign with. The guy has flip-flopped on just about everything you could possibly flip-flop on, and President Obama will use that to positively massacre him in any debate. Not that he has to... Romney is legendary for sabotaging himself with the stupid-ass crap that flies out of his mouth. All Obama really has to do is stand back and watch Romney hang himself with his own words.

What happens if he wins? We will have quite possibly the most lively and interesting debate in the history of presidential politics. Speaker Gingrich may be a raging hypocrite when it comes to integrity and family values, but he will unapologetically rip into each and every one of President Obama's failings like a honey badger, putting Obama on the defensive in any debate. He can't win the election, of course. His past scandals are tied to his ass like a boat anchor. But for people like me who have reservations about another four years of Obama, Gingrichh is the only one who can make our president actually work for his re-election.

What happens if he wins? Oh so many wonderful things. The guy is so astoundingly misguided on so many topics that he'll be like a one-legged mouse that cool cat President Obama will bat around and play with for weeks before finally ripping his fool head off. It will be the Super Bowl of presidential elections where the only position Santorum is fit to play is towel boy. Or maybe tight-end, if his homophobic over-compensation is any indication. In any event, you can't buy entertainment this good, which actually has me contemplating a donation to Santorum's campaign.

What happens if he wins? I have no clue. A Ron Paul nomination is so far outside the realm of possibility that I can only guess that the Apocalypse shifts into full gear and the world ends. Kind of a shame, because I think the unpredictability of such a contest against President Obama would be worth watching. Some of Ron Paul's ideas are very good. Others are bat-shit crazy. It's entirely possible that Obama would have no defense against that, which could be extremely interesting. Or pathetically mundane. Either way, I think the presidential race would evolve into something entirely different than we've ever seen before.

And there you have it. I never thought the "Not Romneys" would get this far against the wishes of party heads who clearly want a Mittens nomination. But it's somehow fitting that Romney is going to have to pay big... massively big... money to secure his party victory before he gets anywhere near President Obama. He's got money to burn, so why not?

It's not like he's got anywhere better to spend his millions.

Categories: News - Politics 2012Click To It: Permalink


  1. that picture of santorum cracks me up ever single time i see it. EVERY time.

  2. Sybil Law says:

    I’ve had a headache for the past two days. Hope both mine and yours go away!
    You’re right – I was flabbergasted as to how Santorum managed to pull this off, but you’re dead on about the entertainment value. 🙂

  3. Ren says:

    We have open primaries here in Texas, so I’ve assumed I’d participate. If I can stomach it. I’ll likely end up voting for Ron Paul in the primary and President Obama in the general election.

  4. Kyra Wilson says:

    I catch the highlights now and again, and most the time I wish I hadn’t. Ugh. I hope your headache goes away (or has!)

  5. Avitable says:

    This is why primaries should have deatmatches.

  6. the muskrat says:

    I’m already ready for 2016. This primary sucks, and I don’t see the general election being much fun, either.

  7. RW says:

    I’m pulling for Santorum, hoping for a complete crash and burn as we finally get to expose the rank and file GOP for the trailer park All Stars they truly are.

  8. martymankins says:

    With the Utah primaries closed to non-registered Republicans, I won’t be casting my ballot.

    You make a good point about Gingrich and him putting the heat on Obama. I might want to see that and make Obama accountable for the stuff he still needs to take care of.

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