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Canadia

Posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Dave!After dealing with my work emails this morning, I had a bit of extra time and decided to take a quick look through my feedreader. One of the first new blog entries to pop up was from my buddy LeSombre, where he was explaining his bus route to work and how a small detour today turned his 50-minute commute into a whopping 1-hour and 35-minute ride. He wrapped up his entry by theorizing that he might have to try winter cycling as a more efficient way of getting to work.

"How nice!" I thought. "LeSombre is trying to be all environmentally conscious and stuff, when most people would just drive their car to work. Good for him!"

But then I watched a speech that Sarah Palin gave at a tea-bagging rally, and suddenly realized that I've been looking at this whole thing entirely wrong...

SarahExplainsItAll.jpg
"But my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose!"

   
After listening to Sarah Palin kick ass and put things into perspective as to what "America" REALLY means, I now realize that when people talk about the "pussification of America" they are actually talking about the "pussification of NORTH America... BY CANADIANS!"

Because, seriously, 50 minutes in a frickin' BUS?!? REALLY?!?

It's LeSombre's kind of thinking that explains why Canada is still a third-world country. Well, of course ALL countries are "third world" when compared to us, which begs the questions "what's a second-world country?" I dunno... perhaps The United Kingdom when Maggie Thatcher was running things... but I digress. The point is that I am totally embarrassed to be sharing a continent with the American wannabes that call themselves "Canadians." How they managed to win hosting duties for the Winter Olympics when they don't even have a Disney theme park is a mystery to me.

I mean, come on, they're half-French for crying out loud!

Just look at this "bus route" that LeSombre takes to work every day. It practically screams "pussy!" Where's the spirit of adventure? Where's the sex and violence? Where's the ideals that are true to the AMERICAN WAY?!? What good is their "free socialist health care" if THIS is how you have to get to work each day? Hey, if this is what it means to live in a communist country like Canada, then I want no part of it...

LesombrePussyRoute.gif

   
Now let's take a look at how a REAL AMERICAN would get to work (click map to enlarge)...

NewLeSombreRoute.gif

NOW THERE'S HOW YOU FUCKING COMMUTE TO WORK IN AMERICA, DAMMIT! Please note that's there's no bitching and whining about a frickin' BUS anywhere in that route.

Also note how once you acquire a Canadian Forces* tank, that you no longer have to pay attention to roads, and can go directly to your destination. How cool is that?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go scrounge up $1000 so I can buy a ticket to go to Sarah Palin's next tea-bagger rally. A rally for TRUE Americans** to fight for taking back The United States of America from the godless socialist regime that is destroying the greatest country on earth!! Because THAT, my friends, is what DEMOCRACY is all about!***

And to have testicles put in our mouths, if I'm understanding this whole tea-bagging thing correctly.

   

   

* Canadian Forces is kind of like the US Millitary... but without the ability to actually defend their country or invade anyplace (they rely on TRUE Americans to do that for them, but don't pay any taxes to us... the bastards!).

** Well, TRUE Americans that can afford to spend $1000 a plate, that is. But that would be ALL Americans, because POOR Americans are not REALLY Americans at all... otherwise they'd be wealthy! This IS the land of prosperity, after all. It says so in The Constitution!

*** Unless, of course, your democratically elected president is a Democrat, then it's not democracy at all... because everybody knows that elections are only democratic when Republicans win!

Comments

  1. LeSombre says:

    the “de Golf” bit had me in tears. ;-)

    Well played sir. Well played.

    • Dave2 says:

      Seriously, you need to go 100% English like the rest of the civilized world… then there would be no need to cry tears of embarrassment!

      • LeSombre says:

        Dude. Everybody knows you never go full English. :-)

        • Dave2 says:

          There’s no need to tell ME not to go full English… these United States of America went ZERO English back in 1776! It was the ULTIMATE tea-bagger rally!

          But, on a more serious note…
          Dude, I CAN’T go Full English because I’m a vegetarian! I don’t eat sausage, blood pudding, bacon, and whatever other ungodly dead animals they serve up for breakfast in the land of The Queen in Right!

  2. Sybil Law says:

    Oh my… I am laughing my ass off.
    USA. USA!!!!
    Well done, de Blogography. Well done!!!

  3. delmer says:

    This is the second time in seven days I’ve heard the expression “Second-world country.” The first time was last week and was said by a Canadian (not one I’m married to)… about… the UK. Prior to that I’m almost certain I’d never heard the expression before.

    There’s something almost mystical about all of this.

    • Dave2 says:

      The history behind the term “third-world country” is actually quite fascinating. I had read about it in a book about “New Americanism” and never knew how grossly one-sided the term’s origins are (basically a political distinction rather than an economic one).

      Now, of course, the word has kind of morphed into meaning “underdeveloped” nations. In many ways, it’s a pretty insulting term given that a country can be more than it’s socio-economic labels. India, for example, falls in the “middle of the road” when it comes to status (making it, I guess, a second-world country?) but, in many ways, they are far more spiritually and socially advanced than so-called “first-world” countries. Few people in the Western world would factor that in, of course.

  4. “Tim Horton’s Bitches!” made me snort fruit juice.

  5. Tiffany says:

    FUCK, that map was BRILLIANT. Ha!

  6. whitenoise says:

    Pussies? We’ve conquered Florida, dammit! And we’re not giving it back until you take Quebec.

    • Dave2 says:

      PROMISE?

      I mean, we ARE talking about the Quebec that includes Montreal, aren’t we? Because that’s about the only city on earth where I can enjoy a bagel outside of New York City!

      Not sure it’s worth giving up Disney World though…

  7. suze says:

    Yay, that was brilliant.

  8. RW says:

    The map, you, and everybody you know are brilliant…

  9. Ren says:

    Upon further analysis I’ve determined that this plan is too much work. I’m much too lazy for it. I’ll just head straight to the Hard Rock and wait for you there. Thanks.

    Notably, the only time I’ve taken a bus in my home city in the last decade was the day you visited and I decided to experiment with taking the bus downtown to meet you. It worked out okay for the most part, though the route ended earlier than I thought and I had to walk a mile or so. (I have, on the other hand, biked to and from work on a number of occasions, though not much during the last year.)

    • Dave2 says:

      I actually like public transportation and use it whenever it’s available. So many major cities have incredible well thought-out and implemented systems in place which make having a car more a nuisance than anything else. That being said, I frickin’ loathe the bus system in Austin. As I documented here, catching a bus at a DESIGNATED STOP was nigh impossible… not just this one time, but almost EVERY time. Busses don’t run on time, don’t stop, and don’t have a good structure to get you where you need to go. When I go back to Austin, I’ll not be so foolish as to rely on public transportation again.

      • Ren says:

        Luckily, Austin’s mass transit problems were solved when MetroRail opened in December, 2008. Oh wait, I forgot, they delayed it to last March. Scratch that, in March they delayed it indefinitely.

        Now it’s scheduled for this March, even though they switched contractors in December. We’ll see soon, I suppose. Of course, it’s really only for commuters, so doesn’t help you after all — sorry about that!

  10. There’s a Hard Rock in Ottawa? wtf?! Why didn’t I know this??
    Beautifully done Dave…
    xo

  11. John says:

    No, a true american would awesomely make a fabulous water landing in that river north of the airport and save all the passengers instead of crashing. GO CAPTAIN SULLIVAN! America kicks ass. Come think of it, we really should kick some Canadian ass. We haven’t had any conquest in a while.

  12. Karl says:

    The pussification of America is SO the Canadiauexans fault.

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