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Bullet Sunday 96

Posted on Sunday, August 31st, 2008

Dave!It's time for another edition of bullet-points gone amok!

• Gustav. Please please please let this storm abate before doing any damage. Not because New Orleans is one of my favorite American cities... but because I just can't take asshole frauds like Pat Robertson once again saying that God hates New Orleans and is punishing the city for its sins. If God were petty enough to be dishing out punishment this way, there's no doubt in my mind that a hurricane would descend on Virginia Beach and wipe nut-job Robertson and his "church of hate" 700 Club off the face of the earth forever. As it looks now, Gustav is due to hit at 7:00 Monday night...

Gustav Map

• Biorhythmic. I'm not much of a believer in biorhythms, horoscopes, numerology, and other such stuff. It just doesn't make sense to me, and has rarely proven accurate in any way. And yet, despite being a pseudoscience with absolutely no hard evidence to back it up, biorhythms is a passion for a friend of mine who convinced me to get a "Dashboard Widget" to chart myself and see what I make of it. So far (when I remember to even look at it) the results have been unremarkable. But I did note this morning that my upcoming vacation occurs during the exact period that my cerebral functions are at their highest and my physical functions are lowest. Pretty much exactly what you'd want for a relaxing vacation, I guess...

Biorhythms

• Allergen. I had long since ruled out peanuts as a possibility for the source of my recent food allergy problems. It wouldn't make any sense, because I eat peanut butter constantly (practically daily) and would have reactions far more often than I do now. Except... now that I'm on a restrictive diet to help figure out a medicine interaction problem, I'm keeping closer track of what I eat. And it would appear that peanuts do seem to be a factor. On days I experience swelling (like today!), peanut butter was consumed in higher quantities than usual. This is kind of a bummer... if it ends up being true... (love me the peanut butter), but at least a mystery would be solved.

• Deathrace. WARNING! THIS REVIEW FEATURES AN ABUNDANCE OF CURSE-WORDS! Tonight I made time to see the remake of cult-classic Death Race 2000, simply titled "Death Race." Not because I had any confidence in crap-for-hire "director" Paul W.S. Anderson (who managed to fuck up a practically un-fuckupable film property: Alien vs. Predator), but because it starred kick-ass Jason Statham. I enjoy Statham's ability to transcend cheese in cheesy movies, and was hoping the same would apply here.

Not by a long shot. Nobody, including Statham, could transcend this pile of shit...

Death Race poster review.

This movie is so incredibly bad, I don't even know where to start. I think I can sum it up by saying the most exciting part of the film was when actress Joan Allen has to deliver the line "okay, cocksucker... fuck with me and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk!" And this is from a film which features cars with machine guns blowing shit up! How do you fuck up a film which features cars with machine guns blowing shit up?!? Big surprise, hack "writer-director" Paul W.S. Anderson managed to not only fuck it up... but actually make it boring!

Gone is the shocking, dark humor from the original Death Race. Gone also is the socio-political commentary that mad the first film so fascinating. Gone too is any sense of excitement, suspense, or logic. This is a by-the-numbers exercise in predictability that has no guts... and certainly no glory. As I sat in the theater thinking of what a missed opportunity this was, I was positively furious. Shame on Paul W.S. Anderson for delivering shit... AGAIN. Shame on Jason Statham and Joan Allen for signing on to such a mindlessly boring script. Shaome on Roger Corman for betraying his original film and producing this crapfest. Shame on anybody who had a hand in destroying a killer concept and tarnishing a classic film by daring to use the same name. If you're looking for a watered-down version of Death Race 2000, go rent Arnold Schwarzenegger's The Running Man, which was a far, far better film in this genre.

And on that note of profound disappointment, I'm calling it a night!


Categories: Bullet Sunday 2008Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. libragirl says:

    I saw a preview for Death Race and was cracking up. I totally love both Joan Allen and Jason Statham. They are both awesome. I told my sister about this…and Joan Allen in it and our reaction – Wow, that’s gonna suck. Did they need money that badly. Yet EW gave it a B I think.

  2. Lisa says:

    It pains me to think about the hurricane. To add Pat Robertson to the mix gives me a migraine.

    That’s total suckage about peanuts and peanut butter. I hope it doesn’t apply to all nuts!

    I dig the biorhythms dashboard.

    And the movie…blech.

  3. Avitable says:

    The previews interested me, but once I noticed that it was Paul WS Anderson, I knew it was going to suck, even with Statham. He couldn’t save Crank or Transporter 2, either.

    Although, have you seen The Bank Job? Excellent little film.

  4. Nicole says:

    Wow! According to the projected course of Gustav, after Louisiana, he’s heading straight for me! Who knew I had to worry about hurricanes while living in central Texas in Tornado Alley?

  5. Dave2 says:

    Libragirl… They gave it a “B”?!?? The film has -zero- entertainment value! All the race action that you’d think would be exciting is framed so badly that it’s almost abstract. Even if you could manage to get a coherent picture of the races, Paul W.S. Anderson has to insert stupid-ass reactionary shots… like a guy screaming “OIL!” when the car ahead drops an oil slick… that interrupts any tension you might otherwise feel. Complete and total shit.

    Lisa… Pat Robertson gives me a migraine, diarrhea, gas, fits of vomiting, seizures, and manic depression… so you got off easy!

    Avitable… Odd. I liked “Crank” quite a lot. The action sequences were excellent. I also enjoyed “Transporter 2,” though felt it was a major step down from the original “Transporter.” Statham mixes it up on screen like nobody’s business, and is fun to watch. Loved “The Bank Job.” Excellent indeed!

    Nicole… Hopefully it weakens or dissipates before it even comes close. Like now… before New Orleans gets hit. :-(

  6. Cap says:

    Thanks for saving me $10. I’ll rent Running Man again instead :)

  7. nicole says:

    Thank goodness you posted this review. My husband wanted to see Death Race. Now you’ve saved us wasted time and money. :)

  8. Sarah says:

    That’s why I didn’t want to see death race. I knew I’d just leave disappointed. And I usually like Statham, even in his ‘cheesy’ movies.

  9. kapgar says:

    Think Mother Nature takes bribes so we can buy off a hurricane to wipe Robertson out?

  10. The only Paul W.S. Anderson movie I can say I like is the very first Resident Evil. I have to say he actually did a good job there. Couldn’t agree more at the trainwreck that was AVP.

  11. Iron Fist says:

    I find almond butter to be a delicious (if slightly more expensive) substitute for peanut butter. Of course I don’t know if sensitivity to the one leads to a sensitivity of the other…

  12. ETinNY says:

    Hmmm! I wonder what ol’ Pat has to say about God’s timing with Gustav f**king up his beloved republican party’s convention?

  13. spants says:

    I’ll second the nod for almond butter. It’s quite yummy. You can add honey or maple syrup to it to make it extra yummy.

    (Also, peanuts are legumes and almonds are nuts; sensitivity to one doesn’t cause sensitivity to the other. You could, however, be sensitive to both.)

  14. ChillyWilly says:

    I saw the preview to DEATH RACE and it sucked. There was no way in hell, regardless of how cool it was supposed to be.

    THE RUNNING MAN is a better choice.

  15. whall says:

    Just curious… where was your biorythms indicator when you saw the movie? Was it pegged at “everything’s going to suck no matter what it is?”

  16. Kevin says:

    Regarding the allergies – have you checked on tomatoes? My boss just found out at the age of 40 something that she is just now allergic. Weird, but something to look into if you eat them.

  17. Winter says:

    I never watch Jason Statham in a movie to see the movie. Well, except The Italian Job and Lock Stock and Two Smokin Barrels. I watch it to drool over him. HEH. Too bad about the peanuts. I love peanut butter too and I’m lucky that my peanut problem is with whole nuts. As an asthmatic, chewing peanuts causes peanut dust to get in my throat which causes wheezing and coughing. Peanut butter has no peanut dust. But I love cocktail peanuts and can’t eat them anymore. :(

  18. That’s a shame. I really like Statham too.

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