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Flash!

Posted on Thursday, August 16th, 2007

Dave!♫ Ahhh AHHHHHHH! He'll save every one of us! ♫

I finally got around to watching the Sci-Fi Channel's Flash Gordon show. I was really stoked for the series, which is why I was devastated to find out that it sucks ass. This is probably one of the worst television shows ever, and that's saying a lot. Not only is the writing complete and total shite, but the acting is horrendously bad and the special effects (what few of them they use) are laughable. I can't find a single thing worth praising on this trainwreck of a series, and am dumbfounded that Sci-Fi... who are supposed to be fans of good science fiction... would screw things up this badly.

Which begs the question... how could you possibly fuck up Flash Gordon? There's so much source material to work from.

I mean, come on, the crazy-cheesey 27-year-old movie staring Sam J. Jones, Melody Anderson, and Max von Sydow was sheer genius by comparison. I love that flick! Not only have I see the film dozens of times and purchased all iterations released that I could find (VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Import Special Edition DVD, and Saviour of the Universe Edition DVD), I've also got the movie poster framed and hanging on my wall...

Flash Gordon Poster

And here's the puzzler... the writing on this film was over-the-top, the acting was far from great, and the special effects weren't anything to write home about (though there was a musical score by Queen!). So why did the movie work, while the television show fails so miserably?

BECAUSE IT WAS ENTERTAINING!! Hell, I'd argue that the FIFTY year-old Black & White Buster Crabbe serials were more fun to watch that this shitty television atrocity!

In the movie, Flash was trying to save the entire earth. In the TV show, Flash was trying to find an iMac (or whatever). In the movie, Ming was a sadistically evil egomaniac. In the TV show, Ming is a whiny little bitch. In the movie, Dr. Zarkov is a brilliantly mad scientist. In the TV show, Dr. Zarkov is a bumbling idiot. In the movie, Aura is a brutally hot psychotic bitch. In the TV show, Aura is just plain boring. Much like the show itself... totally boring.

Flash Gordon fans deserve so much better.

Dave Flash Gordon

With even a little effort and creativity, a new Flash Gordon show could have been brilliant. I was counting on it being brilliant. Instead I was only setting myself up for disappointment.

Stupid Sci-Fi Channel bastards.


Categories: Movies 2007, Television 2007Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. adena says:

    Um, Dave…

    You were expecting greatness from a channel whose made for SciFi movies are usually so mind-numbingly bad, they wind up being funny.

    Seriously…ever watch “The Soup”? There’s at least 1 SciFi movie weekly on that show that he just rips into.

  2. undisciplined says:

    AHHH!! I’m LOVING little Dave as Flash!

    You have this poster FRAMED ON YOUR WALL?! Well, any doubts that you weren’t TOTALLY AWESOME have disappeared!

    Sigh…they just don’t make painted movie posters like that anymore! ^_^

  3. whit says:

    I couldn’t get past the acting. How is it in a land with thousands of pretty-faced actors they couldn’t find one that could act their way out of a paper sack?

    I’ll give it one more episode to let it redeem itself, and then I’m history.

  4. Suzy says:

    Seriously, I think the sci-fi world is missing out on your input and genius. You belong in that field with your graphic wizardry and obvious encyclopedic knowledge of that universe.

    Can we vote on that somewhere?

  5. serap says:

    I’m lovin Flash Dave and Monkey Ming!! Flash Gordon is such a brilliantly cheesy film, it saddens me to think someone has pooped all over it. I also loved the defenders of the earth cartoon when I was a young gal – did you get it over there? Flash’s son was a hottie in it!!

  6. yellojkt says:

    Thanks for confirming my suspicions. I’m glad I stayed away. I’m jonesing for BSG to come back. Please, please.

  7. Dave2 says:

    Adena… I subscribe to “The Soup” so I can watch it on my iPhone. Love The Soup! Sci-Fi does make tragically bad movies… but their series are pretty good… “Farscape” and “Battlestar Galactica” are good examples.

    Undisciplined… George Lucas has been keeping movie poster god Drew Struzan going for decades but, yeah, painted posters are definitely a dying art. Nobody wants to spend the money, I guess?

    Whit… Not only that, but Flash is too old and Ming is too young (he looks the same age as his daughter!). Casting for this show is totally wrong.

    Suzy… I dunno. But most anybody could have told them that they were fucking things up. The show is SUCH a mess, that they really should have realized it themselves? Maybe they did? I’d be ashamed to let something this bad air on my network, but whatever. :-(

    Serap… Oh yes, I remember “Defenders of the Earth.” Even that was better than this new show! I think the cartoon followed the original material over the movie, but that’s not a bad thing!

    Yellojkt… Last season for BSG. :-(

  8. paul says:

    “The show is SUCH a mess, that they really should have realized it themselves? Maybe they did? I’d be ashamed to let something this bad air on my network, but whatever. :-(“

    I think if they realized it was such a mess, they wouldn’t have aired it like 25 times over the weekend. Seriously, you couldn’t turn SciFi on this past weekend without seeing Flash.

    I’m patiently waiting for 09.26.07 to see what they have done with the Bionic Woman. Hopefully those guys will give the sames values to that as they have BSG.

  9. Kyra says:

    Thank you! I felt the same way! I was SO disapointed in the show. I love the old movie, though I seem to be in the minority. No one understands when I suddenly yell “NO! Not the bore-worms! Gaaaaah!” *sigh* Though the Queen score is what really made the movie – any other music and it would have looked at cheesy as it really probably was. :) Still, to a kid it was excellent!

  10. diane says:

    See, this is why television is not my friend. It’s forever letting people down.

  11. Hoji says:

    I knew when he was running a ‘Marathon’ at the beginning, and he hadn’t even broken a sweat when he finished it was going to be crap. Then I saw Ming the Merciless and knew it was so.

    Ugh. I don’t understand how a network can produce such great shows and blow this one.

    Also – I agree on the movies on that network. They’re all shiat.

  12. Jill says:

    I tried watching Flash Gordon. I couldn’t get past the first twenty minutes – ugh. Are you watching the new Dr. Who series? While it’s not a Sci-Fi production, they are airing it… *that* totally rocks!!! Talk about a series that just keeps getting better and better :D

  13. Wayne says:

    Yup, I love, love, love the original movie. I don’t have the new DVD version, but I have the first DVD release and I love watching it with my 5yr old. One of our favorite scenes is with the little silver football thing. That, and James Bond in the tree land and the hand-in-the-stump game.

  14. Avitable says:

    It could have been such a fun show to watch, too. It’s hard to find the right mixture of cheese and humor, and why would SciFi think that the writers of Charmed and South Beach have any ability to do that?

  15. SJ says:

    Ohhh, the BEST DaveToon EVER!!! Absolutely brilliant.

    I saw about 2.2 minutes of the show and hated it. OK, maybe a little more than that. But it was AWFUL, pretty much on a par with their SciFi Original Motion Pictures, which nearly always suck ass.

    They need to stick with stuff produced elsewhere.

  16. supercereal says:

    LD and BM are as adorable as ever, but I’m not sure blonde works for Lil Dave; he might do better as Ming.

    Flash fans may like this Big Train clip of Ming at home after a long day’s tyranting.

  17. Rick says:

    The movie was a trip, without the acid! Absolute definition of camp. I’d rank it right up there with Barbarella. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must retire to the orgasmatron.

  18. Hilly says:

    Yeah even though Sci-Fi makes crappy movies, their series’ are usually really great, especially BSG and Doctor Who (who reminds me of you a little, btw). I was so stoked for Flash Gordon to come on because I love my SciFi Friday…pffft. I deleted it after maybe 45 minutes and quickly cleared my season pass.

    Of course, now I’ve got the thought of Lil Dave in red tights to amuse me for the rest of the day.

  19. Tracy Lynn says:

    I am in total agreement with you about Flash The Series. I was so excited, and then I couldn’t even sit all the way through it. BLECHHH.

    *sigh* Flash-AHHH! He’ll save every one of us!

  20. d00d says:

    umm…did anyone notice that ALL the women could have been sisters? I mean whomever cast this really had a thing for a certain type of girl.

    I actually laughed out loud when Aura kept making sexual innuendo’s toward Flash.:) Man, and where are the space ships with sparks flying out !!

  21. bogup says:

    I wasn’t going to watch it, and now I’m really not going to watch it!
    I like the blond hair Dave. Though with the dark beard it has an LA 80’s creepy look…

  22. Michelle says:

    I wanna know if there’s somewhere we can vote on which Lil Dave transvestite is better … Flash or Leia. :o)

    I have a Transformers poster on my wall. Right next to Monet. Just the thought of Opt Prime tip-toeing thru Claude’s lillies … heh.

  23. Danielle says:

    SciFi seems to be hit and miss with their shows. Eureka is great, love it. But Painkiller Jane? That show sucks a boatload of sweaty ass.

  24. Baak says:

    Flash! Whoa-ohhh!

  25. I couldn’t quite bring myself to watch the show just in case it was all rather craptacular. I too loved the Sam Jones movie and wanted to keep *that* memory of Flash Gordon and Ming the Merciless in my mind and not some new shitty attempt.

    Freeze you bloody bastards. Best Timothy Dalton line evar.

  26. Bre says:

    Big Sigh. At least I’ve heard of Flash Gordon… now I’m going to have to do a little netflix research to figure out what’s up!

  27. claire says:

    Love the old movie. Still can’t help but think of the hand-in-stump challenge any time I have to reach into a deep mailbox without seeing into it.

    I liked Dale all right in the tv show. Mostly I was thinking, he’s never had to change his watch battery in 13 years? Mom pointed out it might’ve been a wind-up…

    The guy who plays Flash was on Smallville in its early seasons, and I never really liked him there. I agree that Ming is way too young… and sandy-haired. I’ll probably give it another shot though … I’m generally up for women who kick ass and the next ep looks like it revolves more around the bounty hunter babe.

  28. mikeo says:

    I have the Queen theme song on vinyl, it’s a 45, first LP I ever bought, side B is “football fight” according to the internet gods. Dave you could rip it with that sweet USB Record player.

  29. Dave2 says:

    I have that 45 single too! But mine was kind of beat up, so I just ended buying the songs off iTunes.

  30. kapgar says:

    Thank you for the warning. I’ll delete them from my DVR straight away.

  31. Laurence says:

    Lil’ Dave as Flash is so pretty !!! I loooooooove him ! :-)

  32. kapgar says:

    You know how I enjoy torturing myself? Well, I did it again. I watched the two episodes of Flash I had on my DVR, against your warning. Jeebus, why didn’t I listen to you???

  33. blanetalk says:

    “I’m lovin Flash Dave and Monkey Ming!!” Posted by serap on August 17, 2007

    I agree. The graphic “popped” when I first scrolled down to it and I thought, “I’d like to have THAT on a t-shirt! (hint)

    I am so used to television networks promoting all kinds of crap programs and canceling anything that is worth watching, that I barely get excited about things like this anymore.

  34. TBW says:

    Hellow, thank you, that show is the worst. First of all, why oh why, does the guy have to scoot around on a Segway the entire time, can we not do a different effect every once in awhile. The effects are apparently the last thing on their minds and while the guy playing flash isn’t that bad, the rest of the cast is like a collection of rejects from a bad Emmanuelle Reunion show…. so sad, it could have been so great and now that BSG is going off, what is SciFi bringing to the table? Well, reruns of Heroes….. Sharkman 3….. Radioactiv Roach Invasion….where is Farscape when you need it?

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