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Posted on Thursday, December 22nd, 2005

Dave!Dinner this evening consisted of a Morningstar Farms vegetarian-safe corn dog. I enjoy these very much, and have converted many a meat-eating friend to them as a healthier alternative to the mystery meat that is in "regular" hot dogs. Delicious!

Normally, I cook these in the oven because I like 'em crispy. But tonight I was in a hurry, and decided to follow the microwave instructions.

This was a huge, HUGE mistake. I mean, when you look at the box, microwaving appears to be just another way to cook the things... but instead it's a way to ruin them. After I took my dinner out of the microwave, I was left hanging on to a limp dog that tasted like gummy ass...

Dave Corn Dog

Nobody likes a limp corn dog.

I am of the opinion that it should be required by law that if microwaving a product causes it to taste like ass, you should have to warn the consumer on the box...

Microwaves Suck

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my saggy corn dog and continue watching the random hotties on Deal or No Deal. Super-models with cases of money?!? Who is the genius who thought up THIS brilliant bit of network programming?

CHAPTER 22: Blight Christmas.
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR TOY OF THE DAY: Kitchen Counter with Glassware and Frying Pan.
Lego Dave has finally caught up to the evil Lego Buzz so he can avenge Barky the Dog's untimely death...
"Give me the rotary saw, or you'll never see Junior again!" shouts Lego Dave.
"You bastard! You have NO idea what you've done!" says Lego Buzz frantically. "Go ahead, take the saw... nothing can save you now!"
Visibly shaken, Lego Buzz hands over his rotary saw and starts babbling incoherently... "you're dead i'm dead we're all dead and nobody can stop it... YOU'VE KILLED US ALL YOU IDIOT!"
"The only person getting killed here is YOU" exclaims Lego Dave, his eyes burning. "Say goodbye to your head you puppy murdering maniac!"
But before he can take another step, something snaps in Lego Buzz's head. He leaps at our hero like a man possessed, knocking him into the kitchen of the pizzeria! Lego Dave drops the rotary saw as he crashes into the kitchen counter, smashing into a rack of glassware. Picking up a frying pan, the evil (and quite insane) Lego Buzz advances with a grimace...
"At least I'll have the satisfaction of finally getting rid of you!" screeches Lego Buzz. "Prepare to join your mutt in doggy heaven!"
Lego Holiday Twenty-Two
Victory has turned to tragedy, and time is running out! Can Lego Dave prevail?

Categories: Food 2005, LEGOClick To It: Permalink


  1. Belinda says:

    I’ve been an on-again, off-again (mostly off) vegetarian, and I do likes me some Morningstar Farms stuff, especially the parmesan chic patties and the corn dogs. Financially wasteful, but the “minis” are even better. Mmmmmm! And no, you never, ever, ever microwave them. Ever.

    Is Barky not going to be resurrected? I don’t see a trip to a Pet Sematary as too far-fetched for this story.

  2. TheMike says:

    “Gummy Ass”? What the hell does Gummy Ass taste like. In fact, what is gummy ass?

  3. Pauly D says:

    Dude, you’re like the king of on-the-fly graphics. I want to know honestly how long it took you to make that graphic above.

    As for your limpy corn-dog, don’t you think that’s something you should troubleshoot in private?

    I think so.

  4. Dave2 says:

    Belinda: Barky was drilled with holes… I don’t think there’s any way to recover from that!

    TheMike: I don’t want to know what gummy ass tastes like… but I am speculating that it tastes pretty terrible, for comparison’s sake. 🙂

    Pauly D: The cartoon with the corn dog was an alteration of an earlier cartoon, so it only took a minute. The cooking instructions graphics was mostly text, so it probably only took a couple minutes. I’ve been doing this stuff for so long that they come together pretty quick. As for my limpness problem… well, personally, I think that I am being quite brave by discussing it in public. Heaven only knows how many others are secretly battling this secret shame… if I can help just one of them to not microwave their corn dog, the embarrassment will have been worth it.

  5. sandra says:

    I LOVE those corn dogs. I was veg for a few years (gave it up when I was overseas and got tired of saying, “no, chicken isn’t vegetarian…no, neither is pork…” to 80% of the people I came across. Ahh, well. Anyway, I still eat those corn dogs every so often and I totally agree that the microwaved version is disgusting. And so, so disappointing after you’ve had the fabulously crispy version.

  6. kilax says:

    I love those corn dogs! I think that will be my Christmas meal this year while the rest of my family eats pork tenderloin.

  7. Belinda says:

    SO? The kid from “Pet Sematary” was squashed by an 18-wheeler, and HE came back. There are many soap-opera solutions to this. Evil twin, metabolism-slowing drugs, etc, etc. Get creative.

  8. Randy says:

    I am wondering what “vegetarian-safe” means…

    Does do unreperable harm to one who is NOT vegetarian?

    At such risk (I am oh, maybe 80% vegetarian) I just might have to skip my tofu some meal and try them…

  9. claire says:

    I like their grillers and faux-chicken. I’ll have to try the corn dogs sometime, while remembering not to microwave them.

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