This morning I woke up to a lovely email from somebody who apparently had too much time on their hands. If I were to have printed it, I'm fairly certain it would have amounted to at least four pages.
FRONT AND BACK!
It started out friendly enough... but quickly escalated into a diatribe of how everything I write here is wrong, and proceeded to explain in excruciating detail how people like myself are a blight on all of humanity for producing morally bankrupt content on the internet.
At first I thought it might be a form letter that is randomly emailed to unsuspecting bloggers, but as I continued to read I realized that this was not a form letter, but instead a well-thought-out opinion piece on my blog that was addressing specific excerpts from my entries.
Naturally, I was touched.
This person spent some serious time working on this email, so how could I not be?
Usually I don't bother replying to stuff like this (unless I think of something snarky, sarcastic, and laced with profanity to reply with), but couldn't help myself. This was the nicest thing I could come up with to say (in its entirety):
"Thanks for reading Blogography!"
Sure it's no four pages or anything, but you've got to give me credit for trying.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Email
BLOGDATE: May 12, 2005
In which Dave finds himself responding to wacky emails from his faithful readers and inadvertently creates a Google search result for people wanting to know more about having sex with coked-up hookers while having your ass covered with peanut butter by a pizza delivery boy.
Click here to go back in time...
I love comments! However, all comments are moderated, and won't appear until approved. Are you an abusive troll with nothing to contribute? Don't bother. Selling something? Don't bother. Spam linking? Don't bother.
I’d have peanut butter spread on my ass by a pizza delivery boy while watching porn except:
Peanut butter is really expensive here in Norway and my ass is not small,
It costs somewhere around $10 bucks in fees alone for pizza delivery boys (not including the $50 for the pizza) and I’m already tapped out on the peanut butter,
Porn makes me laugh and point at the screen whilst making fun of the actress’s “naughty sex faces”,
I could only find chunky peanust butter and the idea of chunky peanut butter on my ass is not appealing (except, hmm, maybe as an exfoliating moisturizing treatment? Must consult aesthetician on that idea.)
I don’t know why I wrote that. It must be the extra extra large coffee I had this morning. Whee!
Ahhh, the joys of e-mail from loyal followers. It’s enough to bring tears of joy to one’s eyes. Then again, if this person took all that time to peruse your blog and write four pages detailing his or her likes and dislikes, maybe he or she is a little more than a casual fan. You might have a stalker! If it’s a hot chick, then in the words of Van Wilder, “Are you stalking me? Because that would be great.”
Isn’t that the highest form of flattering? It’s like watching O’Reilly every night even if you hate it – somewhere deep down under there’s a small seed of uncertainty and hope that you some day will enjoy it to the fullest.
Some people are unable to deliver positive constructive criticism and instead head for the negative. I just wish I had such devoted visitors – I haven’t received anything but a threat for legal action from a spammer.
Your so lucky, I wish I was a blight on all of humanity. Man, you get all the good titles.
Those people are bleeding mental. Why do they care so much?
Why don’t people understand that blogs are _supposed_ to be about having peanut butter spread on one’s ass while having sex with coked-up hookers?
What I don’t get is why they bother reading your blog if they hate it so much ?!?! If they don’t like you and your blog, surely they would just never ever visit it and those few minutes spent reading each article could be spent doing something more exciting…such as, oh I don’t know…sticking a pole up their ass??
Hey, look on the bright side: At least you’ve GOT readers!!!
I love the reply. It’s so direct, so in your face, so pointed. It screams kiss my lily white A**.
You really should write a book on how to be more Dave like.
When I get an angry letter like that, I’ll know I have truly arrived… Until then I’ll just keep spewing bullshit and hoping. 😀
I read you EVERY DAY, and you have yet to rescue a kitten or draw a rainbow. I’ll keep checking, though. I figure it’s just a matter of time.