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Utah Day 5: Dumbasses of Zion

Posted on Thursday, May 19th, 2005

Dave!Apparently, ever-escalating gas prices are not deterring people from traveling to our National Parks. It's not even Memorial Day yet, and Zion is filled with people. I cannot fathom what it will be like in another week. I suppose I should just count my blessings and be happy I am here in the first place. After all, many people will never get to see stuff like this.

But where there are people, there are dumbasses. And where there are a LOT of people, you are guaranteed a LOT of dumbasses.

And I'm not just talking about the obvious morons... the ones who stop right in the middle of the trail rather than stepping to the side so as not to block traffic... the ones who continuously state the obvious (like "wow, that's a big rock!" and "look, it's a tree!")... and all the rest... no, I am talking about the "truly gifted dumbasses" who make you long for the day it becomes legal to shoot people for being stupid.

For example, I am walking along, actually bothering to look around me (unlike most people who practically run to the intended destination), when I spot a deer just a few feet away from me. I take a minute to compose my shot and look for the best angle...

Zion

And then took a couple of quick shots just for fun...

Zion

Then I notice an elderly couple with their cameras ready, so I quietly step out and whisper "let me get out of your way" as the old guy says "that's okay, I don't think he's going anywhere" with a chuckle. And then, rounding the corner comes the queen of dumbasses...

Loud-mouthed bitch: WHAT'S THIS? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? OH IT'S A DEE-AH!

She sounds like a cross between Gladys Cravits on Bewitched and Estelle Costanza on Seinfeld and every bit as annoying...

Loud-mouthed bitch: EVERYBODY HURRY UP OR YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE DEE-AH!! HURRY EVERYBODY... IT'S A DEE-AH RIGHT HERE!!! GET YOUR CAMERA!

Well, needless to say, the deer immediately bolted and the guy who was patiently waiting never got his shot. When the stupid bitch's friends caught up, she had to tell them that the deer ran away, to which I added "yeah, because you started screaming and scared it away." She then had to tell me I was a "rude boy" which was so funny in its irony that I just laughed in her face.

Not ten minutes later, I saw a squirrel and was going to attempt to sneak a shot of the little speed demon. But then a pair of dumbasses came along with their walking sticks that apparently double as noise-makers echoing through the canyon... TAP TAP TAP! TAPPITY TAP TAP TAP! TAPITTY TAPITTY TAP!! What a couple of f#@%ers! "THANKS A LOT" I say. "Duuuuhhh... whut!" they respond. Of course, they don't even realize they are total dumbasses. They never do. This is the best I could get as the squirrel ran away...

Zion

And, speaking of squirrels, these signs are posted all over the park, and I couldn't help but wonder about it from the squirrel's perspective...

Zion

Movie Quotable of the Day: "I signed that release waiver... so you can just feel free to stick things in my slot!"
Yesterday's Answer: Kill Bill: Volume 2 (2004) with Uma Thurman and David Carradine.

Categories: Travel 2005Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. delmer says:

    Nice photos the last couple of days. It looks like you’re getting to visit some pretty interesting places. Scenery-wise, anyway … rude tourists can suck the ‘interesting’ out of a lot of things.

    I like the “report violators” bit on the “Don’t Feed the Wildlife.” I think they’d get a lot more reports if they replaced tweaked the sign so that it said $100 reward for reporting violators.

  2. Anthony says:

    I hate idiots like that myself. People who don’t know the meaning of STFU. They should be locked in cages and fed peanuts.

  3. karla says:

    Dave you are endlessly funny.

    But I totally agree with you. Especially about people who stop in the middle of the pathway/sidewalk/doorway so that you can’t get past them. Oh My God, I was just in Budapest and spent most of my time wishing for a rocket launcher or a cattle prod so I could move that fat tourist dumbass out of my way. Hello! Ever heard of manners, you asshats? Move the f**k aside! GAH!

  4. TheMike says:

    What, no pictures of loud mouthed bitch?

  5. girlonaglide says:

    As you know (maybe), I rode to several of the southwestern national parks last spring. Zion was by far my favorite, it literally took my breath away. When I pulled up to the visitor’s center (on Earth Day) the cottonwoods were blooming and it seemed fantastical (is that a word?) as though it was snowing. Sadly, I didn’t enjoy any hiking or real touring of the park so it remains high on the list of places to revisit. Slowly riding through was moving in more ways than one.

    As far as the tourists go, you’re so very right about the ignorance level. While at Yellowstone, a moose was clearly visible from the road. The tall bull was standing near a creek but once the ya-hoos saw him, the dumbasses nearly crashed into each other so they could stop their cars, grab their cameras and RUN TOWARDS the bull. Yeah, he’ll stand there in a pose and wait for you to get closer you dumbsonsabitches. Where was Dave’s Idiot-Be-Gone Wand when I needed it?!?!

    At that same park a couple years earlier, some stupid biatch had the balls to give me lip because I pulled my bike beside her truck to park in the turnoff area. I momentarily blocked her view of the microscopic critters she spotted out in a field. I didn’t park there, I was in the process of walking my bike forward and past her beater but she had no patience. I’m sure I ruined that fantastic photo that later appeared as a dry field with a speck of something in the middle. She couldn’t even identify that speck, idiot. Bite my arse.

    Glad to hear you got to take some time off for some real beauty Dave.

  6. michelle says:

    movie quote is from Charlie’s Angels

  7. Art says:

    The magnitude of balls that it takes to call you rude is unfathomable. That be-atch needs to be eaten alive by ants.

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