I am not a huge fan of Arianna Huffington, but must admit to being intrigued with her star-filled blog creation: The Huffington Post. I was going to drop it, but now she's got Ze Frank writing for her so I guess I'll be sticking around. How can you say "no" to a guy with one of the funniest sites on the internet?
Now back to my favorite subject... me.
I get a lot of email every day. It doesn't really bother me, because it's so much more convenient than the phone, and I am a really fast typist. But as the visitor counts for Blogography continue to blow through the roof, I've been getting slammed with an alarming number of utterly bizarre emails that I'm not quite sure what to do with. Everything from marriage proposals and inquiries into my personal life... to nasty, hateful letters and emails condemning me to an eternity burning in hell.
"Normal" emails are great (comments are even better!), and I love hearing from my readers, even if I can't always respond right away. But how does one deal with something like this:
All I could do was write back and say: "I don't make any money from my blog. In fact, I just had to pay out another $200 for more bandwidth. If you want to make money off a blog, you'd have to do a far better job of it than I have." Naturally, I start to wonder how anybody jumps to the conclusion that I'm raking in the big bucks on a blog that doesn't have advertising nor solicits for tips. Maybe I just look expensive.
But that was a relatively minor issue compared to this (paraphrased) email I got this morning:
Which is along the same lines as this one I got last week:
And this:
And this:
On average, I get two or three emails like this every week. Telling me what to write about or what I'm doing wrong, or slapping me on the wrist for something I've done or said. Usually, these are immediately deleted without a second thought, because my only response would be this:
"Blow me."
I mean, give me a break, if you don't like what I write, DON'T READ IT. No hard feelings... just go. It's my blog and I'm not soliciting opinions over what I should and should not be doing here. Sorry, but that's the way it is. So when that entry comes along where I talk about my wild weekend of having drunken sex with coked-up hookers as a pizza delivery boy spreads peanut butter on my ass while I shoot people in the head and watch porn... well, accept that it's not your day and come back tomorrow to see if I've rescued a kitten and drawn a rainbow or something. Better yet, don't risk that something even more bizarre is going to happen, and just don't come back. Delete that bookmark. Unsubscribe from that RSS feed. Really, I don't want to upset people... so do us both a favor, forget about me, and go be happy.
And, for those of you sticking around, it's probably best to understand that I will never be so lucky as to actually have a weekend like that. Mainly because the small city I live in doesn't have pizza delivery.
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Wait! are you saying that I’ve missed out on half-naked women photos? Damn! And to think, I’ve been coming here all this time looking for just that.
Movie Quote: Euro-trip
Erm, what blog are they reading?? How does ‘Packing up T-shirts’ and ‘How to eat Bananas properly’ equate to drugs and hookers???
The swearing IS funny you asshats!! (That one is my favourite!!)
Oh and thanks for pizza boy image. I will never order pizza again!!!
Yeah ya sick phuck, stop with all the very bad stuff that you’ve been doing and become an up tight azzhole. I think you need to explain the peanut butter thing. I’m 43% gay and don’t get some of the stuff that you mostly breaders do.
Oh, I think I just wet myself a little, I was laughing so hard. I’m sure you can get one of us to come over with some Jif. And we won’t even ask you to marry us afterward.
>>”how much money do u make from yur blog? i need to buck some cash and shit and thout i could make a blog if i can get paid. you rock man!!”>>”how much money do u make from yur blog? i need to buck some cash and shit and thout i could make a blog if i can get paid. you rock man!!”>>”how much money do u make from yur blog? i need to buck some cash and shit and thout i could make a blog if i can get paid. you rock man!!”>>”how much money do u make from yur blog? i need to buck some cash and shit and thout i could make a blog if i can get paid. you rock man!!”
Why do people do this? My 11-year old types like this on his message board. He’s 11 and I accept it. He does capitalize when needed. Oh, and he’s yet to type anything with ‘shit’ in it. And he’d spell out ‘thought’ and ‘your.’ He typically uses things like ‘u’ and ‘w8.’
In Columbus, about 15 years ago, there was a couple in the news who were in trouble for not sending their kid to school … they were home schooling because, the “knowed” they could do a better job than the city school system was doing. “Knowed” is the grammar error that comes to mind, but there were more. When I read their testimony I felt bad for them and for the judge who had to tell them they couldn’t home school.
Who would have thought they’d eventually prevail and their kid would one day have dreams of being a blog tycoon.
Sorry about the long comments. I only type *fairly* fast but I lack the kind of impluse control that would signal me when to stop.
Well, I have pizza delivery but my problem is that the neighbors always call about the gun shots before we can get the lid off the peanut butter. It’s a bummer.
Dude, in all honesty, send the “Blow me” email. I mean really. When was this site about virtue and morals and all that crap? I can’t remember, so maybe I was drunk?
Holy crap! Dennis is ALIVE?!?
I went back through my older entries, trying to find out when things started to go so horribly wrong… and I’m pretty sure it was right around the time I starting reading Mr. Jerz’s blog.
So there you have it. Don’t blame me… blame Jerz.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m being charged by the hour and my pizza is getting cold…
You know, I was eating peanut butter on toast when I read this post. Suddenly, my toast looked like ass. Dave Ass. Dave Ass with Peanut Butter.
I am scared and in desperate need of therapy.
Oh and Dave? Please please PLEASE do a cartoon illustrating the wild peanut butter ass porn shooting heads sex? Include a monkey or two. It will make my therapy all the more productive. Thanks.
Oh and…is it crunchy or smooth peanut butter? The delivery boy I am sending over wants to know.
I think it is time for you to hide that email address a little better!
Don’t change a thing. I don’t read this site today because of what you wrote yesterday, I come here to read about you and your life (and look at the great ‘toons). Since when did life stop containing swearing, hookers, drugs, and violence just because someone complained??
Alright Dave, I want you to be funny, but here’s how you have to do it.
Do you think these people have jobs with the FCC?
Crazy person says what? 🙂
What?
Actually, I’ve just found your blog and I think it’s funny as hell.
Some people will get offended about anything. Thankfully, I haven’t gotten the “You swear too much” feedback message.
I think I’d have to actually send the “Blow Me” (which would be a job ’cause I’m a girl) email.
Anyways, I like the blog!