This has not been my week.
And just when I think that I'm back on track, something happens to let me know that this simply is not true... usually first thing in the morning. Yesterday I wandered into the shower and absent-mindedly ripped into my freshly-electrocuted face with Apricot Exfoliating Scrub. You'd think that this is about the worst thing that could happen to you in the shower... but you would be wrong.
This morning I was washing my hair with Philosophy Strawberry Milkshake Shampoo when I decided that my head wasn't bubbly enough, and reached for that big 10-pound bottle to squeeze out some more.
This was a mistake.
I must have still been half-asleep or something, because when I grabbed the bottle it somehow slipped and ended up cracking me right in the balls.
Hard.
The incident ended up looking something like this...
This woke me up very, very quickly.
And now, even though it's almost five hours later, the pain still lingers.
Those of you who have balls know exactly what I mean. Those of you who don't should kick a guy in the nuts sometime and have him explain it to you (but please do not mention my name... the last thing I need is to be chased down the street by a mob of guys with aching balls).
I am beginning to think that this kind of crap happens to me because I have a blog.
Subconsciously, I must be setting myself up for horribly embarrassing tales of woe so that I have something to blog about. No other guys I know have ever mentioned accidentally smacking their own balls* with a big bottle of pink shampoo. Though, now that I think about it, what guy would ever admit to something so stupid like that?
Oh.
Would it help to say that after this incident I shot a grizzly bear, drank a six-pack of beer, then skydived into the Playboy Mansion where I had a three-way with playmates of the year Tiffany Fallon and Kara Monaco?
I have got to find a new hobby.
* Note that I have plenty of stories of guys smacking some OTHER guy's balls with a big bottle of pink shampoo... those post-game locker room celebrations are "c-r-a-z-y" crazy.
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that sucks dude. Go get drunk. you’ll feel better.
Oh Dave!! That is so terrible!! But yet…oh dear, kinda hilarious.
Fair’s fair–about a month ago, uh…I had reason to…do an emergency wax. Like, I do not have time to get a professional one because I need this in the next 4 hours, so I will use this microwavable jar of wax near my privates all by myself. It ended up involving a lot of pain, and a lot of cutting out chunks of solidified wax with scissors.
I’ve been sudsing with the Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream all week. I can’t stop sniffing my hair.
I find it hysterical that not only do you tell such tales about yourself, but you inspire others to rat themselves out. It’s like some kind of voodoo gift you have.
The Chad… So you’re totally not buying that I killed the grizzly bear, drank a six pack of beer, and skydived into the Playboy Mansion for a three-way with Tiffany Fallon and Kara Monaco?? It was the grizzly bear that pushed it over the top for you… wasn’t it?
Diane… Always glad that my pain can bring a smile to your face! 🙂
Tracy Lynn… Or a virus. Though voodoo would be much cooler.
I have blog and I’ve never dropped shampoo on my balls – so I’m thinking (and hoping) it’s probably something else.
Maybe it’s the girth of the bottle that’s giving you trouble. When your hands are slippery those big fat bottles are hard to hang on to.
Wow. That takes impressive motor skills.
I have a dog who takes charge of the ball-racking duties around here.
Tee hee! I mean oh no–um, feel better.
😉
Wow. You just need to get back into bed and stay there until next Tuesday! Is that the birthday set? I love the Eggnog, it smells awesome. Or the Rich Hot Cocoa with marshmallow body souffle. You should get the matching Philosophy lip balms, body lotions etc. I bet that would make you feel better…
P.S. How come big pink bottles of BUBBLE BATH are ok in a guys bathroom, but pink urinal cakes aren’t?
On the bright side…at least your balls smell like a milkshake ;).
Um, I mean…I hope you feel better from your butterfingery week!
I’m cool with the bear, after all, havent you seen that fish commercial where the guy runs down and gets in a fist fight with a bear, then kicks him in the nuts? I think what got me was the skydiving after drinking a six-pack. That might just make someone a tad bit queezy.
I’m sure the Racked Davetoon would be better if it were touched up to have Liz in there looking from the side, ready to render aid.
And man, the one on the left looks HOT. I mean the playmate photos, doofus.
I, uh… No, I won’t say it. Try some ice. Or maybe a nice bag of frozen peas.
I am pretty clumsy, make that very clumsy, but I have never done anything like that. Now I will cringe in fear every time I lift the shampoo bottle. Thanks.
There’s something wrong with your morning rituals! Apricot Scrub and Strawberry Milkshake Shampoo? Something a little less esoteric and more bland might be better.
you’re fruitilicious dave!
You dropped something in the shower and it smacked you in the balls?
And of all the comments you’ve received nobody has congratulated you on the extra large set you have? I’m assuming when you dropped the shampoo it fell straight down — you know, due to gravity. Since my balls, which I think are enormous (because I’m a guy and that’s what we all think), hang beneath me in a way that are shampoo-bottle safe (and still foot and knee friendly), I can only assume yours are super enormous and that they protrude a bit out in front of you.
So, congrats on the superior-enormousnees of your testicles.
And thank you for wording your post 1. in a manner that didn’t rub it in our (the merely enormous-balled) faces and, 2. in a manner that got Diane to tell the waxing story.
🙂
Holy shit! Are you channeling me? Even I haven’t had that many oopsies in a 2 day span.
Hope your um, parts feel better soon.
Wow. Soooo much better than my Philosophy story today.
This also settles it. I’m hereby taking up a collection to get you a bubble to live in. We can’t have you getting into accidents when we need our daily dose of Dave, now can we?
It’s a fact that most household accidents happen in the bathroom. See here.
While it’s true Dave, this could be you, perhaps grazing your balls was worse…I don’t know.
What I DO know, is that having one of those ladies you have featured kiss and make it all better would have been nice!
Enjoy the thought!
On the house,
Nancy
🙂
Dave, Tracey, Delmer, et al–
It only seemed fair to openly embarrass myself, considering how loudly I laughed when I 1) read this and 2) saw the cartoon. 🙂
Anyway, I make an ass of myself on an almost daily basis. I have no shame. It’s part of my charm.
honestly, I bet you are the first person to do that EVER. 😀
CONGRATS!
Aww… It hasn’t been my week either! That said, I don’t have balls, so I’m thankful for that. Ouch.
It is my first full week of being single. That really kinda licked.
Dave, Dave… I am a little dubious…
Is it really happened or did you give a “Strawberry Milkshake Shampoo Balls” Lil’Dave as a pretext in order to justify the pictures of playmates on Blogography ? 🙂
Dude, apricot facial cleanser and strawberry shampoo?! Your men’s club membership may be revoked.
*You better totally hook me up with some cleanser at TequilaCon.*
I had a hard time following anything after exfoliation. I’m very impressed.
Jeff… Funny, I’ve never had trouble holding on to the massive girth of my bottle before…
Avitable… As if dogs don’t already have their paws full with their own balls.
Lela… Yes. I often find that my tales of pain and suffering are good for a laugh. Thanks for your sympathy. 🙂
Tal… But I don’t pee on my pink shampoo…
Hilly… My balls always smell like a milkshake. This has nothing to do with the shampoo I use, but everything to do with how I drink a milkshake.
The Chad… Next time I’ll be sure to adjust my imaginary beer intake before skydiving.
Wayne… That’s because everything goes better with Liz.
Rick… I’m not sure how applying ice or frozen peas to a playmate of the year will help anything… but I’m absolutely willing to give it a try.
Yellojkt… Shampoo kicks more guys in the balls every year than disgruntled ex-girlfriends!
Annette… But a fruit-themed shower is so much more entertaining!
Ms. Sizzle… Yes, now THAT’S what I’m talking about!
Delmer… No… I SHOULD have just let the bottle drop. Then I would have just ended up with a smashed toe. But instead I tried to CATCH the bottle and ended up smacking myself in the balls with it. Mostly because they’re huge, just as you say.
Miss Ann… Thanks. Being sleep-deprived has its perils. 🙁
Frances… Okay. But I’m thinking my daily entries will be quite a bit more boring. “I’m in my bubble again today…”
Nancycle… Yes. Yes that would have been nice. Especially without smacked balls.
Diane… I think this is a blogger trait. We tell the entire world things that we would never mention to even close friends or family!
Dawn… Uh, thanks. I think. Do I get an award or something?
NetChick… Yes. Indeed you should be thankful to have no balls. They lead to nothing but trouble.
Laurence… It’s a good theory… but I am sadly pretext-free when it comes to shamelessly exploiting women on my blog. 🙁
Karl… My membership was revoked years ago. I’m totally freelancing now.