UPDATE: CONTEST CLOSED! Thanks for your entries! Winners will be drawn this weekend.
Welcome to the ONE-HUNDREDTH edition of Bullet Sunday!
It seems like just yesterday that I wrote my first Bullet Sunday as a way of collecting all the little things that weren't enough for an entry of their own throughout the week... but it's been nearly two years! In celebration of the event, I've decided to post a dozen random bullets from the past 99 entries AND have a contest for amazing prizes from The Artificial Duck Co. Store at the end! w00t!
On with the bullets...
• DOLLS! (from Bullet Sunday 9, Dec. 3, 2006) Now that they've released a "Doctor" Laura talking doll to go with the Ann Coulter talking doll, the "Hypocritical Dumbass Whore Talking Doll Line" is nearly complete...
All we're missing is Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly.
• Best Explanation of Why I Am The Way I Am... (from Bullet Sunday 11, Dec. 31, 2006)
Yes, the world really does revolve around me.
• Mouthy... (from Bullet Sunday 16, Feb. 4, 2007) Is there an over-abundance of loud-mouthed, obnoxious bitches in the world... or is it just my grave misfortune to be consistently seated in their vicinity during long plane flights? I had yet another one behind me for a lovely 9 hour flight out of Cologne. This woman talked CONTINUOUSLY, irritating the shit out of just about everybody. Fortunately, by the time she got to her rant about Mexico being a "dirty, disgusting, 3rd-world country that she won't visit," I was able to turn on my iPod. This saved her from my wrath, as I was just about to start screaming "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UUUUUUUP!! But, alas, I couldn't resist being a smart-ass when she was in the lavatory...
And you know what? I don't even f#@%ing apologize for saying it. Screw her and her big mouth, because NOBODY wanted to hear it. All we wanted to do was have a peaceful flight under cramped, horrible conditions, and I don't think that's too much to ask. Read a book. Watch the movie. Listen to music. Do whatever the f#@% gets you through those nine hours... AS LONG AS IT ISN'T BUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYBODY ELSE! Because blathering loudly about stupid shit while people are trying to relax or sleep or work or whatever is just making you an inconsiderate asshole.
• Ladykiller. (from Bullet Sunday 21, March 11, 2007) Yeah, this photo from Hilly pretty much sums up the "TequilaCon Experience" for me...
Yes, bitches! I am one sexy bastard! Just ask Jenny and Sass...
• Scare the shit INTO me... (from Bullet Sunday 35, June 17, 2007) Speaking of fast food, why is it that the fast food industry always seems to choose freaky-ass mascots to represent their companies? What are they trying to do... scare you into eating their shit?
• Paris! (from Bullet Sunday 36, June 24, 2007) OMG! Like, Paris is getting out of jail early and will be released on Tuesday! JUSTICE PREVAILS! Which means I guess it's time for me to come clean about something... since the tabloids are sure to break the news soon anyway.
I am totally dating Paris Hilton.
I wrote her letters of encouragement while she was doing time, and she understandably fell head-over-heels in love with me. I will be moving to L.A. at the end of next week so Paris and I can be together. 2GETHER 4EVA!
Lil' Dave is totally not wearing panties in this shot...
We ask that the media respect our privacy as we plan our new life.
And by "respect our privacy" we mean "follow us around and take our picture everywhere we go, because we are so totally hot and interesting and deserving of your love."
• Talk! (from Bullet Sunday 42, Aug. 5, 2007) While seeing The Bourne Ultimatum in a packed theater, I found myself thinking of a new Dumbasses Book for my series...
There are entirely too many people in the world who simply cannot understand this simple concept, and about twenty of them decided to go to the movies at the same time I did.
• But Not Really... (from Bullet Sunday 47, Sept. 9, 2007) Okay just one more thing about Zune. THIS WAS WHAT MICROSOFT THOUGHT WOULD BE AN iPOD KILLER?!? It's so craptastically bad that I can only guess it was crapped out of somebody's ass in an explosive case of diarrhea. It certainly looks as if that's the case...
Microsoft has BILLIONS of dollars! But what good is it if they only spend $2.50 on research and development when they decide to enter a new market? NOTE TO MICROSOFT: SPEND THE FUCKING MONEY TO MAKE OBSCENELY AMAZING PRODUCTS!! Put in a billion-dollars and come up with a media player that has anti-gravity controls, a 400dpi 3-D screen, wireless power recharging, and folds to the size of a pack of gum! Otherwise, why bother? Why continue to release complete and total shit that isn't a leap ahead of what's already out there? For crying out loud, who is in charge over there at Redmond? If this is your answer to iPod, I can't wait to see your iPhone competition. Seriously, I could use a good laugh.
• Science! (from Bullet Sunday 51, Oct. 7, 2007) Yesterday while I was running errands, I dropped by the crafts store for some spray glue. As I was standing in line to pay for my stuff, I saw a kid holding a cardboard "presentation board" which he was using for his Science Fair project. This made me a little bit angry. CARDBOARD? Back when I made my science fair project, I had to use REAL WOOD BOARDS and METAL HINGES and SCREWS. My science fair board weighed a ton, but had the benefit of being indestructible. I pity the fool who uses wimpy CARDBOARD on their science fair project! So this is what people mean when they talk about the "pussification of America!"
• Pole! (from Bullet Sunday 57, Nov. 25, 2007) What is it with the latest fitness trends that keep popping up, disappearing, then popping up again? I'm seeing ads (once again) for POLE DANCING as exercise. I could make a number of smart-ass comments here, but instead I decided to buy a pole and get into shape! Off I went to Amazon to get an instructional video... and imagine my surprise when I found out there's a whole world of slutty exercise programs to choose from!
And now I can't decide if I want to learn exotic dancing, pole dancing, lap dancing, or bump n' grind strip-dancing. My gut instinct is to stick with pole dancing, but I'm thinking there's more money to be made in lap dancing. At least that's always been the case when I'm paying for it. Because, hey, there's nothing to say a guy can't earn a little cash while getting into shape.
• Lesbionic. (from Bullet Sunday 72, March 9, 2008) I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on Representative Kern... but I'm lashing out from fear. Fear that she and her homophobic nut-job comrades might actually be able to make good on their Nazi-esque fantasies of cleansing the nation of homosexuals. A nightmare! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO LESBIAN PORN?!? Because right now I'm trying to decide which video I need most, and that's a struggle I'm not wanting to give up...
I'm leaning towards "The Trouble with Girls" because it sounds naughty! But then I see "Girls Do It Best: Volume 2" and think perhaps that's the way to go... obviously these babes are really good at making lesbian porn if they've got a SEQUEL going on! Except further down the shelf there's "Girls on Girls: VOLUME FOUR" yes, VOLUME FOUR, which sounds great, yet I can't help but wonder if they're just running the series into the ground like the Star Wars prequels did? But then... THEN... I spot "Bitch Banging Bitch" and think this video must be the one to beat... it's got bitches in it! And they appear to be experienced bitches, unlike the amateurs to be found in "Bitches in Training." And there's always "100% Strap-On," which could be interesting and educational... or just very, very scary. What's a boy to do? Well, if people like Sally Kern get their way, there won't be anything TO do. The lesbian porn industry will be shut down. THIS is AMERICA?!? Nay, I say! Hmmm... I wonder where Obama stands on lesbian porn?
• Happy Mother's Day! (from Bullet Sunday 80, May 11, 2008) I don't feel much like typing right now, so I've decided to drop a video for today's 80th edition of Bullet Sunday here at Blogography!
For my valued readers who are deaf, have hearing difficulties, don't have sound, or can't play video, a transcript of the video has been added in an extended entry.
Have a super awesome week everybody!
CONTEST!!
Leave a comment with a valid email address (which will not be shared) telling me something you'd like to have a hundred of. A hundred dollars? A hundred kisses from Elizabeth Hurley? A hundred cups of Snack-Pack Chocolate Pudding? A hundred of anything you want! — I'll then randomly pick three commenters who answered the question and they'll win a certificate good for one T-shirt, one hat, and one deck of cards from The Artificial Duck Co. Store! How sweet is that?
UPDATE: CONTEST CLOSED! Thanks for your entries! Winners will be drawn this weekend.
As for me? I'd like a hundred more Bullet Sundays!
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Dude, 100 Jell-O shots! Some for me and some for my friends, of course.
PS, The airline strip is priceless.
How about a hundred reasons why people in Washington state drive so slow or a hundred reasons why the traffic lights take five minutes to change over? I mean, I love living here but damn.
-Kim
I’d like to have 100 vacation days… because these three haven’t been enough. Not even close.
Plus, that would put me off work until after the election. 😀
I’d like to have 100 clients for my custom knitting business, very handy as I just lost my day job. 🙁
That, or one hundred chocolate-covered chewy caramels. NOT CREAMY. Chewy.
I want a hundred bitches in training smart enough to know that Pluto is more than an annoying cartoon dog that will teach me how to pole dance so I get in shape without having to eat at Subway.
At the moment I think I would like 100 personal assistants- between my condo, my car, Thanksgiving (in Canada it’s in a few weeks) and my job- I think I would have MORE than enough tasks to assign them to keep them busy for the next 100 days…
xoxo
100 entries into this contest!
I would like 100 Doritos to eat on the couch while I watch judge shows. Doritos are yummy.
100 vacation days
100 pairs of shoes
100 Tootsie Rolls
100…
What can I say? I’m greedy! 😉
100 pounds of gold coins… 100 wishes… (I’m a cheater.)
Actually, 100 free Starbucks drinks would make me pretty happy.
I would like 100 lottery tickets.
I would like a 100 more minutes of sleep every morning – or at least Monday – Friday.
100 months free of ‘reality’ tv shows. That would mean the networks would have to go back to making quality shows like Veronica Mars, or at least give new shows more than two weeks to find an audience.
Congratulations on 100 Bullet Sundays, Dave!
A hundred of something, eh? Hmm… The altruist in me wants a hundred millennia of freedom, peace, and equality for everyone, particularly freedom from violence and the fear of it.
In a personal scope, I want 100 years free of self-doubt and ambivalence. (I don’t mind if I don’t get to use them all.)
One hundred Blogography shirts.
I’ve got about 93 more to get before I’m there.
Dave I would like 100 New England Style HotDog Rolls filled with ketchup and soy dogs and grilled to yummy perfection, and now I am hungry!!!
One hundred episodes of “Arrested Development.” Or “Kitchen Confidential.” Either one of these shows meeting the threshold for independent syndication would make me quite happy. It would be well-deserved…
Happy 100!
100 spanks because i have been a naughty girl. ha! i can’t even type that with a straight face.
ok, how about 100 ways to leave my lover. wait, that was 50 ways, huh?
so i’ll go with wanting 100 first class round trip airline tickets anywhere in the world. travel for fun sounds pretty damn good to me right about now.
100 hurricane-free years for the Gulf South along with 100 ego-free, truly doing-it-for-the people-not-for-their-own-glory politicians – maybe New Orleans will finally stand a chance to both recover, prepare, and progress.
100 free bitch-slaps to people who bug me?
100 cupcakes?
nah…
100 free round trips on the airline of my choice!
100 more episodes of Veronica Mars
Is this where I wish for a hundred more wishes? Or are there consequences with that, Mr. Blogography Genie?
Just in case there are, I’ll wish for $100 every time:
– Someone at a party asks me if I’m dating anyone first thing…before asking how I am, how the job is, how my family is doing, how my house is, anything. I think I should get $200 every time someone I’ve told not to do this completely ignores me and does it again the next time they see me and $300 if they say to me, as people actually have, “Well if you’re not going to date and get married, what will you do with your life?!” If this were to ever come to pass, I could retire, rich and comfortable, in about a year.
– Someone says, “Wow, I’d like to a librarian. I bet you sit around and read books all day.” No, we don’t, dumbass.
– A morning person makes some annoyingly cheerful comment to me before I’ve had a cup of coffee.
one hundred things? i would like for my husband to cook dinner 100 times out of the year. that’s like, every third meal. more than , actually.
man, that would be sweet!
100 … gallons of gas. Or 100 votes in the election. Or 100 days off from work.
I’ll take another 100 years thank you. Provided medical science can keep me healthy and sane that is.
The first 100 issues of 2000AD, fav comic from my childhood, been wanting to read it again of late.
I’d like 100 exterminators to come KILL THE TERMITES THAT ARE EATING MY HOUSE.
Lap dancing is definitely the way to go.
And I’d like 100 more hours in a day.
100 million dollars
100 plane trips anywhere in the world
100 reasons to smile every day (I know, cheesy)
BTW, I’m now going to have nightmares, having seen Ronald McDonald, Jared, and the freaky King in one place! ACK!
I would like 100 hours to myself – with no children or husbands or anyone else – to blow in whatever manner I choose when I choose. Sleeping, reading, watching TV, reading blogs, eating chocolate, or all of the above all at once!
Congrats Dave!
THAT, Sir, was one HELL of a Bullet Sunday! : ) I think I may have asked this before, but would it be a bad thing if I knew the names of almost every one of those porn chicks?
I would like 100 porn chicks. Or 100 5 GUYS burgers. I do believe I could eat them all. Either one.
I would like 100 20 oz. bottles of Coca-Cola carried up the 6 flights to my apartment.
100 conversations with my husband that end with”You are absolutely right, I just can’t figure out where all this childish defiance comes from.” 🙂
I would like a 100 square foot closet, yes I realize that’s only 10X10, but really… the size of my closet right now is laughable, and being able to put away ALL my laundry would be wonderful!
Uh, definitely 100 impermeable miles between my ex-husband and me and everyone I know.
Or 100 pairs of Christian Louboutins.
Whichever’s more feasible.
I would like 100 more years with the man and the cat that I love.
100 days of paid time off from work… 100 days of my lover being home when I am… 100 months of rent paid… 100 insurance claims paid without dispute for my parents… 100 hours without worry… and 100 millenniums of blogography!
Wait! “America’s Real Action heroes”, Anne Coulter and Dr. Laura, dang, with heroes like that no wonder we’re so screwed.
In honor of your anniversary – I’d like to see 100 less electorial votes for McCain. (I don’t doubt that this’ll happen after Tuesday’s VP debate!)…Hoping and wishing & prayin’
100 of days of annual leave (full pay of course) every year would be lovely.. 🙂
Congrats on 100 Bullet Sundays 🙂
I would like to have 100 more spanish friends that love so much Blogography that we could invite you to come to Spain so we can meet you and have you lap-dancing for us (i don’t think you mind if some of them are men, right?)!
Congratulations for your record!
I’d like a backlog of 100 viable blog posts that can go up anytime my brain just doesn’t want to work. Oh, and they’ve gotta be ones that don’t sound like they came from some Web service that “writes” random blog posts.
I would simply like 100 more minutes with my best mate who died suddenly aged 36 in the summer. Would like to say goodbye properly
100KM ran by the end of the year
I would like 100 gallons of gasoline! That would fill both my cars 2.5 times! That’s about a month of gasoline! At today’s prices, that’s totally what I would get if I could get 100 of something.
But someone already said that so… 100 dollar per hour raise for my job. That would help too!!
I’d love a 100 days CANCER FREE!
I don’t think there’s anything that I would only want in a quantity of 100. Now, a million . . .
Happy 100th bullet point Sunday!
I would like 100 new outfits, as I love clothes, but hate shopping.
Very funny, especially the video and the airliner seat map…
I’d like 100 honest politicians. But, let’s face it- that’s just plain crazy-unreasonable even if we combine your election with ours… So I’d like THREE! Just 3 honest politicians. Is that asking too much?
100 pairs of shoes
100 votes in the election
100 vacation days
Being that it’s Monday, I’d like
100 more hours of sleep
100 vacation days
100 less email in my inbox
Happy 100th Bullet Sunday, Dave!
I totally want 100 more days of childhood. Even though it was really crappy and all, it would mean that I would get to see the people I love again before death, insanity and broken hearts got in the way. I would also get to slip and slide, jump off of the 2nd story balcony with an umbrella and not be jaded again.
Happy Blogversary!
Right now I would either like 100 hours of sleep or 100 doctor appointments where they find nothing wrong.
My daughter talks like the airplane talker sometimes. But she’s 8 so I guess it is understandable. I often am screaming “shut up” inside my head when she is telling her stories with no point in sight.
I’d like 100 more minutes with my grandfather. I lived too far away form him in his last days and he passed away as I flew from San Francisco to visit him in Houston. I missed saying goodbye to him by fewer than two hours. It is something that I think about with such pain and regret.
In other news. The best Bullet Sunday yet. The plane cartoon is just about the funniest thing I’ve seen all week, even though it is only Monday, I’ll give you the whole week ahead. 😉
I would like 100 new talents. Like, being instantly fluent in a bunch of languages…knowledge of advanced thermonuclear physics…the ability to play the piano perfectly. That sort of thing.
I remember when you first posted that vid for mother’s day…love it.
I would like 100 $100 gift cards to the Cheesecake Factory. =)
100 itunes gift cards
happy Bulletversary – 100 days of vacation…starting NOW!
100 books and/or graphic novels. I can never have enough and have tried to stop buying them (the books that is I always read my comics) until I have read all the ones I own.
I love the airplane comment. I forgot about that one. 🙂
Everyone took all of the good things I’d like, so maybe I can just lose 100 pounds.
Congrats on the 100th Bullet Sunday!
I would like 100 new Davetoons! But since that would mean you’d have to work a lot, I would take 100 paid vacation days…
I’d like to live on an island with 100 hot girls of my choice. But then again, that’d just mean drama! 😛
I think someone has already said it, but: I’d like 100 more hours each week — so long as they came with no additional responsibilities attached. Just taking care of my current responsibilities would probably wipe out most of the extra time.
There’s so many things I would like 100 of. I’m already getting 100 MILES PER GALLON on my scooter, so that’s one 100 item I don’t need.
I spent $100 in gambling this weekend in Mesquite, NV. Not really getting 100 more things (more like losing).
How about 100 times the superpowers of all of the superpowers the Justice League has, so I can swim underwater without needing air or lift cars out of the way of an oncoming train.
Back to reality… I would like 100 bags of the Black Forest gummy worms (the giant-size ones they sell at Costco). I think that could last me at least a year.
I wish I had 100 acres of beautiful wooded land on which I could do whatever I want. Take that, nosey neighbors!
100 days of working kidneys.
100 gallons of gas.
100 really good jokes.
Sadly, Paris only wishes she looked that hot.
One hundred pounds of calorie free cheesecake….*sigh*…a girl can wish….
I would like 100 things off of my Amazon wish list – since I cannot afford even one thing off of it at present. That would be divine! Or 100 payments made on my behalf to my creditors. That too would be lovely!
My truest desire would be 100 days (hours?) without pain. Next to that would be 100 pounds GONE from mah hot bod.
Or…100 days in a new Prius. Or any car newer than mine, frankly.
I would pick SAM and Whitenoise for my random peoples. Carry on!
Being an avid/fanatical shopper, I would love 100 gift cards (in increments of $100) to spend at my various favorite haunts.
I would like 100 vacation days. 🙂
oh, definitely 100 more vacation days, with 100 thousand dollars to use on vacation!
Great bullet Sunday – from a lurker…
100 days in Hawaii!
100 hours of free maid service. That might get my messy house back in shape.
100 stacks of $100 dollar bills. I don’t know how much money that would actually be, but it’s probably more than I got.
But seriously, I want the ability to vote for Obama 100 times. In a battleground state.
Thank you.
Does the Ann Coulter doll have an adam’s apple?
I’ve been missing flicks lately. I think I’d like 100 incredible, blow-your-mind wonderful short flicks, at least some of which are new Wallace and Gromit ones!
100.. more hours in my weekends
I would like a hundred… free fill-ups of my gas tank. That’s right, one hundred tanks of gas. That should actually last me about two years, because I only fill up once a week. But still… two years of free fill-ups would be awesome. hahaha.
I loved that video bullet. You look good in Goth, kinda creepy, but that’s the point, eh?
I want 100 Tweet replies from @Blogography to @krississippi, since @Blogography used to follow me (and give great @’s) but now doesn’t. Boo!
Why doesn’t @Blogography follow me, anymore?
Because I irritated him in June when I excessively Tweeted about my travel delays while sitting on various airport runways…
…like as IF @Blogography really wanted to read my Twits about travel delays and annoying airport/airline/plane issues.
Doh. I should’ve known better…
(sowwy!)
I would like to have 100 valid excuses not to have to go back to work when my holidays end !!
I would love 100 more days with my Mom, especially now that I have a daughter of my own.
Also, after salivating during “How I Met Your Mother” last night, I would love 100 of those burgers!
I want 100 days of extra life…Ofcourse in a younger body!
I’d like one hundred, 100 thousand dollar winning instant lottery tickets. Oh, and lots of Artificial Duck gear.
100 $1,000 bills (instead of bills totaling $100,000).
I would like 100 winnings of 100 million dollar lottery so Troy wouldn’t have to go to work and would be able play videogames all day and night and we could travel any where in the world, any time we feel like it. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
At this point, I would like 100 interview requests.
I see a lot of people would like 100 days of paid vacation leave. I’d like that too…
Or, I’d take the 100 minutes back of my life wasted watching Anchorman while sick today. I’m not smart…
I want a hundred more Bullet Sunday’s… well, that and a hundred photos of this guy who play tennis half naked around the corner of my new place.
Hmmmmm….I would like 100 years of life. Or maybe 100 exotic vacations and a 100 days off this year.
I thought of another “100” wish:
I’d like 100 kick-ass, high-paying job offers made to me. 🙂
I was going to put a 100 packages of “Mani Garapinado” (Garapinado are these candy covered peanuts that I love from Costa Rica, my favorite brand is “El Castillo”) since my stock at home is ridiculously low and I’ve only been back 3 weeks!!
BUT I decided a 100 days in Costa Rica would make a lot more sense…
I’d like to have a 100 percent chance of winning this contest.
Zing!
I would like to have 100 work-free hours. One-hundred work-free days would be even better, but I’m not greedy.
I’d like 100 homes for 100 homeless pets!
100. Hmmm … how about 100 “do-overs”?
I want a hundred “pieces of crap” from the artificial duck store. Really, I do. I want your T-shirts to be my new, smaller wardrobe. So I can be with you Dave, 100% of the time. And it that isn’t creepy enough, I don’t know what is.
Dave:
I’d like 100 Schwan Sundae Cones! Yum!
http://www.schwans.com/catalog/catalog_browse.jsp?parentCategoryId=2988&categoryId=2973&subCategoryId=3160
I want 100 more episodes of the following TV shows – Arrested Development, Veronica Mars, Pushing Daisies, Firefly, Dead Like Me, Wonderfalls to name a few.
I would like 100 friends! Of course just 1 would do too.
100 fly swatters because I hate those half dead, buzzing around your head, slow ass flies from hell that are around this time of year.
100 pain free minutes would do me nicely.
Robyn
100 100’s in math for my daughter. (she’s acing everything else but subtraction just hasn’t clicked for her yet and the poor kid is stressing hard over it.)
or
100 ways to explain math concepts to her so that she’ll understand it. ~without~ me loosing my cool.
100 extra hours per month that I could devote to reading.
The books are piling up around here, even though I’m trying to read some amount every day.
I´d like to have 100 days off from work. No responsibilities, no nothing. Just time to develop new skills, preferably while traveling.
I would like 100 Iced Coffees with C & S from DD.
I want a 100 acre place for my dogs to run and play (and the “rent”, read tax money to pay for it) so we’d have enough room for other dogs to come play too..
Or,
100 days of strife free, real person, non BSing campaigning from all politicians, so I can vote for the absolutely right people to run MY country..
Or,
100 real chances at winning the lottery..
Or,
100 endless days so I can get all the stuff done I need to get done before Halloween comes..
Or,
maybe just 100 of whatever I need the most of (I wonder what that would be?)..
Or,
100 kisses from my KC kid..
I would like 100 days off. In a row. So I could catch up on some sleep, watch some trash tv, and eat Ho-Ho’s.
Barring that, I would like to play with 100 puppies. Nothing cheers you up like 100 puppies!
Congratulations on your 100th, Dave!
You were right to go with “The trouble with girls”. Great choice.
100 days of lesbians porn or,
100 days of no dumb asses.
Porn.