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Posted on Monday, February 4th, 2008

Dave!Tomorrow is "Super Tuesday," which is a bloated orgy of political debauchery that paints much of the candidacy landscape in our presidential election years. Nearly half the nation's states will be deciding who they will support at the national convention on this single day. Personally, I loathe the way that Super Tuesday works, because it pretty much ensures that only candidates with massive financial backing can compete... you simply cannot campaign in so many simultaneous states effectively unless you've got money. Lots of money. This basically means that wealthy individuals and cash-heavy companies are deciding what's best for this country, which hasn't been working out that great for us. Wealth and power only seem to ever be interested in obtaining more wealth and power... regardless of what that means for everybody else.

When it comes to the presidency, I've long since given up electing some dream candidate who is going to solve all our problems and fix all the things that have gone terribly wrong with the country.

At this point, I'm just looking for the candidate that's going to do the least amount of damage.

While I'm sure this speaks volumes for my political mindset, I don't think it's an irrational approach given where we're at right now. Just give me a president who isn't going to fuck up our shit worse than it's already been fucked up, and I'll be happy. If they can fix some things along the way, that'd be great.

Ultimately, I'm non-partisan and don't care about a candidates political affiliation (other than realizing that they are tied to their party, and much of their political career will be spent sucking at that life-giving teat). I also don't care about a candidate's race, religion, sex, or preference for pizza toppings. We need somebody willing and able to put their personal issues aside, realize that The United States of America is comprised mostly of people who are different than they are, and govern accordingly. I do care about finding a president who isn't a xenophobic asshole, and realizes that the US is not the entire world. This kind of antiquated thinking is fatal in a time where our standing in the global community is critical to our well-being. Our planet is a much smaller place than it used to be and is shrinking further every day. As a species, humanity needs to come together to ensure our survival... not just in America, but across the globe.

With all that in mind, I figured it's high-time I decide on a presidential candidate. Since the things that are important to me are so diverse, this is a difficult task. Candidates whom I agree with on one issue might be somebody I disagree with vehemently on another. No one person or party is perfectly aligned with my concerns, so it becomes a game of weighing the candidates against what I'm looking for and then positioning them against each other as a whole. To make this easier, I ended up creating a "Don't Fuck It Up!" matrix to help me decide who is the least likely to doom us all...

Blogography Presidential Candidate Matrix

Hmmm... I guess the three times I've read Barack Obama's book The Audacity of Hope had quite an effect on me. While I don't agree with his stance on everything (there are a few areas I think he's a bit deluded and oddly misguided), I do think he has the best chance of not fucking up our shit worse than it's already been fucked up. As I said, this is what I'm looking for most in a candidate, so there you have it.

As for the other candidates, I'm like... whatever. I think Huckabee would be paramount to armageddon, and would rather have four more years of disaster with President Bush than to let him be in the White House for even 15 minutes. I've said repeatedly that I would never vote for MIA-POW betrayer McCain, but he'd get my vote over Huckabee (and only Huckabee) if that were a contest. Clinton has some good ideas (and some inexplicably bad ones), but I find her entirely too polarizing to believe she'd make an effective president. I'm not Hillary's biggest fan, but I would be able to put that aside and work with her for the betterment of the country. The same cannot be said for others, because people who hate her really, really hate her. Mitt Romney's high "Dont' Fuck It Up" score is surprising, because some of the things he supports are borderline reprehensible to me. But the more I look into how Mitt has handled past problems, the more convinced I am that he wouldn't make a half-bad president and would try his best to represent all of its citizens fairly. Ron Paul has some interesting ideas on foreign policy, but so much of what he advocates domestically is just so bat-ass-crazy-radical that he'd never get the support to do even half of what he's promising. Heaven only knows we need radical change, but I honestly don't think Paul realizes what it takes to do the things he wants to do, and that is what scares me.

But that's just me. Everybody should go make their own matrix and find which candidate is least likely to fuck up our shit for them. If what you come up with is different than what I've got, then you've found who should get your vote. That's what makes this place America.

Categories: News - Politics 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. Interesting…using the matrix, I came up with John McCain…whom I probably wouldn’t vote for really. I’m just sad that my guy dropped out (Edwards.) I’d totally do…er…I mean vote for him. 😀

  2. Kyra says:

    Wait… I have to vote? Well crap! 😉 Honestly, at this point I’m at the “the US is on fire, who’s not going to add explosives to the flame?” I don’t even care about Tuesday. I’ll care in November.

  3. ajooja says:

    I’m all for Obama.

    If Hillary wins the Democratic nomination, I’ll vote for her but I’m afraid a lot of my progressive brothers and sisters will not. People hate her for no good reason.

    It looks like it will probably be Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton anyway, so that will help the more progressive folks come together.

  4. Belinda says:

    As an Arkansan who lived through a decade of Huckabee governorship, I can honestly tell you that there is NO ONE I wouldn’t vote for INSTEAD of him. Let me add to that statement that I am, in fact, a Christian and a member of a Southern Baptist church. The Huckster DOES NOT SPEAK FOR ME.

    Sorry for shouting on your blog. But ugh, the way the mainstream media seems to be buying into cHUCKles’ “aw shucks” routine is driving me nutso.

    I’ve developed the same philosophy that you have this election cycle, and it’s a sad state of affairs when we the people must adopt a *defensive* posture when it comes to casting our votes. How much nicer would it be to be able to really get behind someone in support of where they might take us, than to have to worry about protecting ourselves, in fear of where someone else would take us?

  5. ajooja says:

    BTW, love the matrix. Cool.

  6. amanda says:

    I agree with you, Obama’s the least likely to fuck it up.

  7. Dave2 says:

    Kentucky Girl… McCain’s kind of a dilemma for me. On one hand, some of his ideas make real sense. On the other hand, he ended up being a total asshole on an issue that’s very important to me, and I use this as a benchmark to measure what kind of president he’d make… which is not a very good one. 🙁

    Kyra… You’ll care if the candidates you end up with in November are total crap! 🙂

    Ajooja… One would hope so, for the Democrat’s sake. Though I’m not convinced that this would be the best-case scenario. I think either of them paired with Edwards would be stronger than the two of them paired together.

    Belinda… Huckabee genuinely scares the shit out of me. The fact that somebody with his whack-job mentality has any clout whatsoever says a lot about the sad state of political affairs in this country. And yes, it is very sad when we have to vote not for what somebody might do FOR us, but for what they won’t do TO us.

    Ajooja… It’s all I could think of. 🙂

    Amanda… Well, from my perspective he is. There are strikes against him, but none of them so damning that I’d have to worry about this country being worse off than it is now.

  8. NYCWD says:

    I don’t suppose I can write in your monkey sidekick, can I?

    The choices, for me, leave alot to be desired from.

  9. sizzle says:

    i’m with you on this.

    and with the whole pudding-is-delicious-thing.

  10. Jeff says:

    Dave, is this matrix supposed to have some x/y axis labels or something? Cause I’m just seeing a grid full of face pictures. Or is my browser not showing something?

  11. Dave2 says:

    Watchdog… While I think Bad Monkey would be better than Bush or Huckabee on policy, his fondness for drugs, alcohol, and hookers would put Bill Clinton to shame. I don’t think we want to go through that again.

    Sizzle… Pudding is the true voice of America!

    Jeff… Nope… it works like any matrix does. You match-up a candidate on the left with a candidate on the top… where they meet is the “winner” (who I think will do the least damage). The more faces you see, the higher their score, because they won the most match-ups.

  12. Bec says:

    It’s all just too exciting for words. Can I throw our leader into the ring? Not for the presidency just some kind of ultimate fighter death match type ring?

  13. Suzy says:

    Having known a few Mormons in my time, and even dated one, I can assure you do NOT want one as a President. Unless the 1950’s works for you.

  14. Dave2 says:

    Bec… Isn’t that what we already have? 🙂

    Suzy… Post World War II America? A time of prosperity, innovation, and change? I’d take that in a minute!

  15. I’ve been successfully avoiding all the political stuff by careful feed selection in my Google reader, so I appreciated that you gave us a heads-up via Twitter that you’d be writing about the subject. However,I enjoyed reading what you had to say. Your viewpoints are always interesting.

  16. Lewis says:

    I’m voting for BAD MONKEY. In fact, the badder the monkey is, the more likely I am to vote for him.

  17. kapgar says:

    An interesting method indeed. Thank you for posting this in time or I would’ve been fucked tomorrow.

  18. Wayne says:

    I think this Matrix idea you have is a good one, polarizing each choice into a single bit that can be flipped one way or another.

    I definitely like/trust/feel good about Obama as a person and his character so far seems to be stellar. I disagree with him on almost every position available, but at least I know his position.

    Perhaps a caption contest for the photos you chose to display is in order?

    Hillary: If you think you can have that last bagel, THINK AGAIN SISTER!!!!!

    Obama: I liiiiiiiiiiiike sex.

    McCain: Little does anyone know, I store acorns in my cheeks!

    Romney: People love my hair. They love my hair.

    Huckabee: The coolest thing about me being president? When they make a movie about me, they can use Kevin Spacey!

    Ron Paul: Git yo hands outta my pockets and yo illegals outta my back yard!

  19. Hmmm. I’m glad I saw your explanation to Jeff ’cause before then I was thinking WTF?! Even with the explanation it confuses me…maybe I should have taken the red pill so that I could see and understand the Matrix?

    What about a nice bar graph? Or a pie chart? I’m ALL about pie, ba-by.

  20. Hilly says:

    I think maybe my “I just don’t want to vote for an old white man” may be just as “bad” as your reason to choose a candidate.

    Because I am apparently too stupid to do this matrix, I’ll just say Obama wins or Hillary…probably Obama.

  21. Chag says:

    The thing I can’t stand about the primaries is that in NC, we don’t have our primaries until May. By then everything is usually already decided, so no one comes courting.

  22. Iron Fist says:

    Do you think it’s too late to get the Steve Jobs candidacy rolling? 😉

  23. bogup says:

    Holy cow. I’m off the internet for a couple of hours and there are already 30 responses. All right, how many of the above posters are on the payroll of one of the candidates? Be honest.
    Seriously (as if that wasn’t serious) I totally agree with Dave2’s “don’t mess it up” chart and ratings. Obama for Super Tuesday and I hope he gets the nomination. I’m not sure I trust Romney further than say, Salt Lake City. This is a tough year for anyone trying to make a positive choice, but as Dick Gregory has said, we often only have a choice based upon the lesser of two evils.

  24. kittymoose says:

    Too bad Kucinich dropped out of the race.

  25. jane says:

    I 1st wanted Kucinich, then he dropped out. Then I wanted Edwards, he dropped out. Then I wanted Clinton, but when Obama pointed out that she is too polarizing, I had to agree. Plus, Hillary represents Corp. America big time. Obama is getting my vote.
    That guy is catching on like wildfire. (I think that is a compliment, right?)

    And I hate to say this, but I agree with you about everything you said. Huckabee *shudder* In ’04 my vote was all about who would do the least harm to our world. *sigh* Obviously, the guy I voted for didn’t win.

  26. Göran says:

    From the outside the voting system is totally confusing with test runs and pre votings and what not.

  27. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Your matrix is good enough for me. I like to hitch my wagon to your star. Or something.

  28. yellojkt says:

    But I pick candidates by who has the best campaign jingle.

  29. Robin says:

    Our primary is not until May. Unfortunately that means I don’t get to choose. The choice is already made for me by that time. I don’t really think it is fair that Iowa and New Hampshire get to weed out the candidates and the states on Super Tuesday get to seal the deal.

    Oh yeah, my state always goes Republican in Presidential elections, so once again, it doesn’t matter who I support. The choice is always made for me.

    And they wonder why people feel disenfranchised? I used to really pay attention to all the political races, now I don’t even bother—because I don’t live in a state where it makes a difference. None of the candidates will step one foot near here.

  30. Avitable says:

    I tried making a presidential matrix, but it just took the red pill and disappeared.

  31. Robert says:

    I totally agree with you on Obama being tops…and Huckabee at the bottom. I used to be for Richardson since I liked his experience…but now he’s out, Obama’s the one inspiring me. And Huckabee just plain scares me with his constitution amendment talk.

    All those in between are a different order than yours. You have way more faith in Guy Smiley, I mean Mitt Romney, than I could ever have. 😉

    But I’m in North Carolina….by the time we have our primary (May), the nominations will probably already be determined. Sigh.

  32. Dave2 says:

    Atomic Bombshell… Probably because I am always right! It is such a burden to be so remarkably brilliant all the time. 🙂

    Lewis… Bill Clinton had his time in office! You can’t vote for him again!

    Kapgar… I live to serve! And by “serve” I actually mean “influence.” And my “influence” I actually mean “corrupt.” And by “corrupt” I actually mean “serve me.” See how these things come full-circle?

    Wayne… Ultimately, that’s what a vote is. A polarizing bit that is flipped on or off. Though I think you’ve got Huckabee all wrong. My guess is he’s thinking “When I’m president, everybody who doesn’t believe exactly like me can be rounded up and be put into concentration camps until the only people I want in American are left! Wheeee! Vote for me!”

    Librarian… Did nobody ever use multiplication tables in school? I’m old. 🙁

    Hilly… So you won’t be voting for McCain then? 🙂

    Chag… Washington is left out too. Just another indication of how messed up the election system is in the good ol’ USA.

    Iron Fist… People think I’m joking, but I’m totally serious when I say I want Steve Jobs as president. The guy is magic.

    Bogup… The sick, sad reality of the times we live in.

    Kittymoose… I don’t know much about him. I was avoiding politics as much as possible, but then my ballot arrived in the mail and I was forced to make a choice. 🙁

    Jane… Really? I did not know Obama had said that… my opinion of her being polarizing came from talking to people I know and listening to her constitutes. People love her or hate her, with those that hate her really, really, hating her. Sad, really.

    Göran… Oh it’s confusing to all us too! After the last election, I’m thinking that all our votes are meaningless and it’s Jeb Bush who decides the presidency. I dunno.

    Mr. Fabulous… And that’s exactly the kind of talk I need to hear if I’m going to one day rule the earth! Thanks for your submission confidence!

    Yellojkt… That’s no less valid to me than people who cling to their party regardless of who the candidate is.

    Robin… I hear that. Washington too is left out of the early decisions. Sometimes I don’t think this is such a bad thing, because money that would otherwise be spent for spectacles here can be put to better use?

    Avitable… Morpheus?

    Robert… So you’ll be joining me in moving to Iowa then? 🙂

  33. shari says:

    I think the whole electoral college model of voting representation detracts from the intent of holding elections in the first place. The whole “One Person – One Vote” concept is rendered almost completely void by the time the election results are in. That’s bullshit, as far as I’m concerned. Ooops. Can I cuss here? Sorry.

  34. Robin says:

    I think I have to go with Obama, and I’ve been seriously thinking about it all morning as I have only a few more hours until I have to go and vote.

  35. lexi says:

    Hilarious. And kinda sad

  36. Robin says:

    For the record—I completely understood your matrix!

  37. My favorite part about Super Tuesday? The whole blood-in-the-water frenzy with the cable news channels. Jesus, Fox News has this huge crazy news room. These guys are like ESPN sportscasters, on crack, with whores on their laps, while watching the Super Bowl and the World Series simultaneously.

    Did I say whores?

  38. beerconsumer says:

    Great post…I feel very similiar, but you have a way of putting things in words that makes sense…I enjoyed reading through your blog.

  39. Robert says:

    Doesn’t Washington have its primary in the next week or so?
    Looks like you’ll be able to have your say afterall.

  40. Lela says:

    With no real campaign finance/lobby reform; no real electronic voting reform: how is 2008 gonna be any different than the craptacular 2004 election? ____ vs. ____ all the way to the SCOTUS and . . . (drum roll, please) we’re all screwed again!!


  41. MB says:

    The crazy part is that ANY candidate will be better than what we have now.

    I hope our next president will be able to dig us out of the massive hole or at least prevent it from caving in on us.

    Unfortunately, the people who would make the best leaders are too smart to go into politics.

  42. KittyHawk says:

    Dave, how would you feel about my trying to make a version of your matrix without the results filled in – or maybe you already have such a thing – and posted it on a pretty hot discussion of primary season on a forum I’m on? I wouldn’t do it without your permission and giving you credit and pointing toward blogography.

    I was pointed to blogography, by the way, from by a friend who knows I’m also a MacWhore. Your blog has become a daily habit. a good one.

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