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Underpants

Posted on Saturday, August 27th, 2005

Dave!I am sitting here in the tiny airport at Wenatchee, Washington bored out of my mind because I forgot to bring a book. With nothing else to do, I figure I'll fire up a game of Kitty Spangles Solitaire for an hour while I wait for my plane to arrive. But when I open my PowerBook, something very strange happens. A little dialogue box pops up saying "your wireless network is no longer available. Would you like to join the network "LINKSYS?"

If there was a button that said "f#@% yeah!" - I would have clicked it.

And so here I am with full internet access in a little nothing of an airport you've probably never heard of before. I have excellent signal, and the speed is fantastic. I contrast this with the shitty slow access I am usually paying big money for in larger airports, and have to ask... what the f#@%??

If a tiny airport can so graciously offer up free internet as a convenience for their passengers, why don't the big guys do the same? It costs practically nothing, but rather than treat you as a guest, they instead rape you for a few more bucks just because they can. So way to go Wenatchee for bucking the trend of outrageous internet access, and serving your customers better than facilities fifty times your size.

Just one more reason I'm happy to fly out local instead of driving over to Seattle.

One of the little tricks I use when traveling is to wear tired old underpants and socks, so I can just toss them in the garbage when I get to where I am going and have one less thing to worry about carrying around. It also keeps my clothes from smelling like feet. Today I found a pair of really nasty tighty-whitey underwear that are pretty messed up. They practically fell apart when I put them on, so I'm quite proud of that. My socks are in fairly good shape, but mis-matched and not really white anymore.

Anyway, across the aisle from me is a bitch and her three hyperactive, annoying kids. She has no interest whatsoever in keeping them quite, and is happy to have them running around screaming at people. If security (which is much tighter and far more thorough here than at larger airports) hadn't confiscated my shotgun, I can guarantee her mis-behaving kids would be quiet. DEAD QUIET!! (that's funny if you say it as Arnold Schwarzenegger). But oh no. She is obliviously chatting away to some poor woman next to her about how she's "scared to death of these small planes because they crash all the time!"

And that's when it hits me...

What if we crash?

   

And I'm wearing nasty fall-apart underwear.

   

My mother will be so embarrassed if she shows up to claim my body and I'm in holy undies. In fact, she may even disown me right there, and say that she doesn't know the guy on the slab. "No son of mine would wear such disgraceful underwear," she'll say.

So now I am really nervous about the flight.

Not because I might die... I have no problem with that... but because my horrified mother will have to identify my body while I'm wearing underwear with holes in them and mis-matched socks. She will then spend the rest of her life wondering where she went wrong with me, and calling my brother every day to be sure he's wearing underwear that's suitable for dying in.

I should have worn my lucky boxer shorts.

I can honestly say I never envisioned a time that I would be obsessing about my underwear in a blog entry. Maybe I should just shut down Blogography right now, because there's nowhere to go but down now.

But, seriously now, if the coroner who finds my mangled body in the wreckage reads this... I would greatly appreciate it if you were to change my underwear for me. Of course, if the crash was particularly scary, you may want to do that anyway because of their contents... but thanks just the same.

UPDATE: Tragedy averted! Me and my embarrassing underwear arrived safely in Seattle. I am now typing away in disgust because the stupid-ass Hilton here charges $9.95 for internet access. WIRED internet access... not wireless, BUT WITH A CABLE... CHAINED TO THE DESK!!! Hotels that charge for internet suck ass.


Categories: Travel 2005Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. dude says:

    you’re about a funny phucker

  2. Randy says:

    EAT Huh?. Our Fresno Airport is called “FAT”…

    BTW, Mr. Dude needs take a chill pill…

  3. Rob says:

    No comment on the underwear. But the free internet is what it should be like everywhere. If the hotel doesn’t have free internet all I do is connect up my bluetooth dongle and use my EDGE supported cell phone as my connection. It’s slow as molasses but it does the job for posting entrys and checking emails.

  4. karla says:

    Not only is the potential for embarrassment great in case of a crash, but what about when they find out that you are Uber Evil and want to strip search you and find you in those undies?
    What will you do THEN?
    Dave, ya gotta keep up standards for all us Evil Dominators, you know?
    (I wear the big comfies, myself, when traveling. Nothing worse than a thong wedgie when stuck in a narrow plane seat for 10 hours. Ugh.)

  5. I always figure the hotels gotta put in a little bit more infrastructure to get it into each and every room, but free wireless in the lobby and restaurants is a no brainer customer service thing they should do. Especially since the bloggers are going to give them a nice link back saying “I’m at the _______ in _______ and they are giving me free wireless, come stay here”. No brainer, IMHO.

    If they feel the need and put a few limits on it so you can’t transfer 50 GB a day or need to block some of the file sharing/etc., I’m okay with that.

  6. Oops, I forgot the other part…

    I do a similar thing when I travel, but with shoes. I’ll take an older pair that I’m due to get rid of so that I’m got something extra so if it’s pouring or muddy or whatever. Then can wear the crappy ones and then just leave them behind. They get left behind either way, I still don’t want to bring them back and I need the space for souvenirs.

  7. Michelle says:

    I think you are staying at too-nice hotels. i’ve stayed at Marriott Fairfield Inns recently and they all had free wifi. and a Best Western in Wisconsin.

    interesting travel techniques.

  8. Andy says:

    Funny stories there dave. You could always pop over to the holiday inn nearby (aren’t they as common as mcd’s now?) and use their wifi?
    At least you had internet access in the hotel – a lot of hotels in the uk don’t or charge 6 quid ($10) AN HOUR!

  9. Dave2 says:

    Being evil does has its drawbacks, I admit.

    Bluetooth to mobile phone internet was painfully slow when I had tried it. Just to read a text email was difficult… and to load a web page was agony. Perhaps they’ve improved it a bit now, but I’d rather pay than have to go through that again! The hotels know that, so possibly that’s their greedy motivation!! :-)

    Oh I’ve tossed lots of things to make room in my suitcase. Most of the times it’s not necessary because I rarely buy new souvenirs for cities I have previously visited, but occasionally I find a terrific deal that makes it worth the waste. Of course… there’s always the option of purchasing a new second suitcase, which I have done many times as well! :-)

    I like Holiday Inn Express. They are 100% non-smoking and usually have free wireless throughout the hotel. Of course, now that I am in Asia paying $26 a day for internet, the $9 I paid in Seatte Hilton is suddenly seeming not so bad!

    London is notorious for high-priced internet, and it’s difficult to understand why. A DSL line or two is fairly inexpensive, and wireless access-points are dropping in price almost daily. Just string a few in the ceiling tiles on each floor and give your customers a good reason to come back!

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