Many thanks to everybody who left comments or sent emails on the occasion of my 1000th entry at Blogography. You are all too kind, and I love hearing from you. Especially to those who took the time to complain over the years. I mean, you know I'm just going to ignore you, yet you take the time to write anyway. Sweet!
Anyway, in honor of those valiant few who hate my blog, complain about my blog, yet still feel compelled to read it... this entry is for you. Here I respond to my five favorite quotes (paraphrased) from the peanut gallery, their voices no longer ignored:
"You are a sadistic, violent, sexist pervert.
This came from a woman(?) who found one of my DaveToons in a Google search, and liked it enough to visit Blogography. Sadly, she had the grave misfortune to arrive on "penis salad day" and was mortified. She then had to go through the archives only to find further evidence of my depravity, and simply had to let me know about it. Yeah, like that's never happened before. Look, I'm sorry something I did upset you, because that's not my goal. But let me be very clear... I really, really don't care. In real life, I don't go around shooting people and am about as non-violent a person as you are likely to find. But here on my blog I can be whatever I want to be and, unfortunately for you, that sometimes includes being a sadistic, violent, sexist pervert. For that I won't apologize.
"Your blog is just a desperate cry for attention at the expense of others."
This one just arrived yesterday. From what I can understand from her rather flowery email, she used to read my blog, stopped reading for a while, then started again. But now that she's back, she finds me "mean" and "offensive" and won't be reading ever again. Awwww... darn it anyway! There goes more advertising revenue. Oh... wait a second... I don't get ad revenue from my blog! Seriously, if you decide to stop reading, there's no reason to tell me about it because I... just... don't... care. I don't know if these people think I am going to all of a sudden change the things I write to make them happy, or what, but it doesn't work that way. I don't write here to make money. I don't write here as a popularity contest. I don't write here to make people happy. So read or don't read... it doesn't matter. Because my blog, like my life, is always changing.
"You are as two dimensional as the crappy cartoons you draw."
Oh, now that hurts. Well, not really... but only because my blog is that way by design. This guy started some kind of business and wanted to buy one of my domains from me. When I politely refused, he decided to write back and criticize my blog. First in a racist and thoroughly offending comment (which I deleted) and later in a racist and thoroughly offending email. A pity he never took the time to read my FAQ, or else he would realize that I fully acknowledge the two-dimensional nature of Blogography. I do not write about my work. Ever. I do not write about my friends and family. Ever. I do not write about my more serious personal problems. Ever. This is simply because my co-workers, clients, friends, and family deserve their privacy. I don't want people I know to have to worry about what I might say about them, so I don't say anything at all. Aside from all that, I deserve my privacy as well. Seriously, I love my readers and am just flat-out honored that anybody should choose to spend their valuable time reading my blog... but there are parts of my life that I keep just for myself, and that's not going to change. While there are some exceptions, I don't think I am unique in this.
"Microsoft won. Get over it already."
This came from somebody who wrote me a long, drawn-out email as to the superiority of Windows, and how the Mac will never prevail over it. Well, if they've won, then why am I still using a Mac? If they've won, then why does the iPod own the mobile music market? If they've won, how come MSN search hasn't surpassed Google? If they've won, how do you explain the escalating popularity of Firefox? If they've won, then why is all their revenue dependent on upgrades to Windows and Office? I think it's time to wake up and realize that Microsoft not only hasn't won... they are losing ground every day. People don't love using Windows the way people love their Macs... they tolerate Windows because they don't understand that there is something better out there. Well, guess what? There is something better, and I'm going to write about it when I feel like it. Microsoft sucks ass... YOU get over it already.
"What a hypocrite! If you don't care what people think, why do you have comments turned on?"
This is one from a while back, but it still brings tears to my eyes... tears of laughter. This guy wrote several abusive emails complaining about stuff I had written. At first I just ignored him. But he kept writing. So then I wrote back and told him to please leave a comment instead of sending email, because I wasn't going to get trapped into a "battle of emails" over my opinion. But he kept writing. I finally wrote back and told him to just stop reading my blog since he was so unhappy with it, and please stop emailing me because I "just don't care." That's when he unloaded about my being a hypocrite, which is ironic considering I encouraged him to leave comments in the first place. The simple truth is that I love comments. Sometimes, the comments people leave send the conversation in an entirely different direction... many times more entertaining than the entry itself. So if readers want to put in their two cents, or expand the discussion, or even tell me I'm full of crap... I love reading it. But, if you're just being a dumbass or want to criticize everything I do, then screw-off, because I really don't care. Go start your own blog and see how perfect people think YOU are.
Alrighty then... to all the other ass-biters who didn't make the top five, I can only encourage you to try again. But this time, instead of just throwing out profanity when you write me hate mail, try to be creative in your efforts. Make me feel it. Curse words are a dime a dozen and, frankly, don't really have an effect on me... but telling me I'm "as two-dimensional as the crappy cartoons I draw" is darn clever. So, unless you can write something of that caliber, then don't bother. I'll be deleting your email so fast that physicists will be debating as to whether it ever existed at all.