Here's a checklist of all the Hallmark original romance movies from 2023 along with my comments on those I've seen.
Special movies of note are marked Favorite, Good, Okay, and BAD.
✓ Love on the Right Course (New Year New Me • Ashley Newbrough and Marcus Rosner • January 6, 2024)
A woman's golf career is falling apart, so she goes running home to daddy in Budapest. Unfortunately, daddy want's to sell his sprawling estate and golf club then retire, which gives her the sads. But not for long because the handsome manager of the golf club is there to help her get her game back. Literally. I don't really know who this is for. The movie itself is pretty boring. The story is slow and painfully predictable. And if you like golf there's not even enough of that to keep things interesting. I suppose that if you're a travel fan, you might find the location worth watching... but Budapest, one of the most beautiful cities I've ever seen, doesn't have much of a presence. It's a missed opportunity all around. They literally could have filmed a half-baked golf movie anywhere.
✓ Okay A Scottish Love Scheme (New Year New Me • Erica Durance and Jordan Young • January 13, 2024)
One of these days Hallmark is going to give us a movie taking place in a foreign country where BOTH CHARACTERS ARE FROM THAT COUNTRY. At which time I'll probably die of shock. But nope. Here's yet another insulting tale of an American woman showing up to save the poor foreign bloke from ruin. In this case it's saving a Scottish bloke from financial ruin. That being said... I'll take Scotland (my favorite country on earth after my own) any way I can get it. And THAT being said... I would have rather had a coming of age movie with 10-year-old Finn and his dog Brody, which would probably be more interesting than this movie. But anyway... Scottish bloke owns a small whiskey distilery who is in crisis because a bigger distilery copied their idea, so OH NOES, now they need a new whiskey label and a new marketing plan to compete! But, OH YAY, the American just so happens to be a marketing expert on holiday to Scotland with her mom. Or so it woud seem. Points to Hallmark for making this not be yet another wild coincidence, but a scheme by their two mothers to get them together. The casting is good (though it was strange seeing Jordan Young, who I only know from his goofy cop show, in a serious role) and the story is good enough to make this one worth watching. Even if the dialogue is new levels of cringe.
✓ BAD! Betty’s Bad Luck in Love (New Year New Me • Laci J. Mailey and Marco Grazzini • January 20, 2024)
Oh good Lord. At what point does Hallmark think people want to have an annoying character leading a movie? Betty is a neurotic idiot who was "cursed" as a child because she was talking to a boy that another girl liked. She then spent THE REST OF HER LIFE being terrified of bad luck cursing her relationships. And all of her friends just buy into her dumbass delusion. She's constantly panicking because the guy she dates might get hurt and it will be all her fault. And of course she's a risk analyst for an insurance company or something ironic, so she's got all the facts and figures as to how absolutely everything is too risky. Then a guy moves into her building who she likes, but despite the fact that she's annoying as hell with her stupid fear-mongering he likes her. But she's all nervous about him doing things like playing rugby and flying and camping or whatever... and dumps her neurotic shit all over him. Then her best friend FINALLY calls her out on it, but then immediately moves on to another topic instead of just hashing it out. WHO WOULD DO THIS? NOBODY! ABSOLUTELY NOBODY! But no worry! She has a plan to find the girl who cursed her when they were kids and get her to remove the hex! In the meanwhile it's just stupid after stupid after STUPID. How this crap got greenlit I have no idea.
✓ Romance with a Twist (New Year New Me • Jocelyn Hudon and Olivier Renaud • January 27, 2024)
Ugh. This movie wasn't great from the beginning because the story exists only because it leans so heavily into stupidity. Small town festival show MUST have only TOP TIER TALENT or else the show will be UTTERLY RUINED... or whatever. So the organizer asks her brother, a serious arts performer, to do a silk aerial duet. But oh noes, no locals can perform on the silks. But oh yay, a local construction worker (and former dancer) tries out. And even though the snooty brother (a shaved-down Olivier Renaud with his tattoos covered SO badly that they didn't even bother matching his skin tone) HATES the idea of performing with A TOTALLY INCOMPETENT AMATEUR, he agrees to give it a shot. From there you get an absurd villain in the form of an evil local reporter, and it just keeps getting more and more idiotic. OH NOES! HE CAN'T HAMMER A NAIL WITHOUT SMASHING HIS FINGERS SO HIS SILKS PARTNER HAS TO SHOW HIM HOW!!! At one point this guy, who is a big-city mega-talent that's been around, tells the construction worker that he's never seen anybody dance the way she does. And it's like seriously? The idea of building a movie around a silk aerial performance is a good one... it's a truly beautiful art form... but this script desperately needed to get a few more passes to tone down the stupid.
Love & Jane, An American in Austen, A Taste of Love, and Sense and Sensibility
(AKA, all the "Loveuary with Jane Austen" movies in February)
No. Just no. Fuck no. Hallmark keeps beating the Jane Austen dead horse over and over and over and OVER and I am sick to fucking death of it. They even gave us a movie revolving around fucking DOGS and Jane Austen (Unleashing Mr. Darcy) so what more is there to say? I am done, done, DONE with this shit. There's nothing new to do with Jane Austen for Hallmark to say, there's no need to keep making these crap movies, and I'm finally taking a break from suffering through every Hallmark film ever made because this is a bridge too far. I'll be back after this "Loveuary with Jane" crap is over. Maybe. This may very well be the thing that makes me swear off Hallmark for good. Hallmark needs a new head of programming, because this is an atrocious waste.
✓ Shifting Gears (Spring Into Love • Tyler Hynes and Katherine Barrell • March 23, 2024)
Honestly, I'm trying to figure out Hallmark Channel. After watching (almost) every movie they've ever made, I get the feeling that they really aren't into women having agency over their lives or allowing them to be fully-realized professionals. I mean... they are moving the needle a bit. More and more women in their films aren't giving up their careers to be with their man or whatever. But then I read the description of this movie and it's like... huh?!? Here it is: After female mechanic Jess reluctantly agrees to participate in a car restoration show, she is shocked to learn that her ex-boyfriend, Luke, is her main competitor. Will sparks reignite?" Wait. "female mechanic?" Or... you know... she could just be a "mechanic." This is like "female doctor" and other ridiculous gender-qualifying nonsense that serves as some kind of disclaimer as to a woman's qualifications. She couldn't possibly be a real mechanic because she's just a female mechanic. Geez, Hallmark. Get with the program. As for the movie? It's okay. Not groundbreaking. Tropes that have been explored multiple times. Serviceable chemistry between leads. Not bad. Nothing special.
✓ An Easter Bloom (Spring Into Love • Aimeé Teegarden and Benjamin Hollingsworth • March 30, 2024)
"MY VERY OWN TROWEL?!? THANKS, DAD!" There are times that Hallmark Channel reeeeally hits the mark when it comes to sparkling dialogue in their movies! Or not. AND... OH... WAIT A SECOND... HERE IT COMES... HE'S DRINKING FROM AN EMPTY COFFEE CUP LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD... FILL THE CUP WITH SILICONE TO ADD SOME WEIGHT TO IT AT LEAST! MY GOD... HE'S NOT EVEN PRETENDING TO SWALLOW HIS IMAGINARY COFFEE! DON'T THEY TEACH THAT IN ACTING SCHOOL? — I am glad I don't have any Jäegermeister on me, or I'd be drinking a shot every time they say "SAVE THE FARM!" (Holy crap. WE GET IT!) and drink twice every time they drink from an empty cup. Because then I'd be dead. And yet I'll keep watching because I am in love with Aimeé Teegarden. But anyway... farm girl is in trouble because, oh noes, the bank loan to SAVE THE FARM didn't come through, but lucky for her there's a flower arranging contest with a $20,000 grand prize she can enter! But can she concentrate enough to learn how to arrange flowers when she keeps getting distracted by the handsome new preacher in town? THE ANSWER MAY SHOCK YOU! I know it did me. This movie had dialogue that was even insufferable even by Hallmark Channel standards. There's so many examples of Hallmark Channel knowing how to make a very good schmaltzy rom-com, and then there's this. Yikes.
✓ Favorite Blind Date Book Club (Spring Into Love • Erin Krakow and Robert Buckley • April 6, 2024)
Erin Krakow is a terrific actor who has been stuck in some not-so-terrific movies. This time she gets lucky, because everything is golden. Including her co-star, Robert Buckley, who never disappoints. It starts with one of the best meet-cutes I've seen in a Hallmark film... then just keeps snowballing in a way that neatly avoids so many awful tropes that can plague these stories. So much goes right with this flick that I feel that I shouldn't spoil it, and just recommend watching it. Great script. Great actors. Blindingly great chemistry. This is one of those rare Hallmark originals which could have seriously gotten a cinematic release.
✓ Good Falling in Love in Niagara (Spring Into Love • Jocelyn Hudon and Dan Jeannotte • April 20, 2024)
Um. What to say about a movie that starts out really good but then falters? Not badly... not fatally... but bad enough that you kinda want out? Because when the main couple are just getting together (after an initial conflict, natch) it's kinda fun. Sure they overplay her "EVERYTHING MUST BE PERFECTLY ORGANIZED AND IN ORDER" mentality, but it never becomes a serious problem, and Jocelyn Hudon is great as the recently dumped fiancé who goes on her honeymoon anyway. Then there's Dan Jeannotte, who's pitch-perfect as the "adventure" tour guide who's recovering from a heartache of his own. He's kinda a dork, but it's played in a casual way that's fun instead of making him a pathetic mess. But then... the story kinda goes off the rails as they're seeking adventures together. It doesn't feel earned. And they're just doing too much here. It's almost like they should have extended the initial awkwardness (AKA the good part) for the bulk of the film... jettisoned the side-plot with her sister... jettisoned the nonsense with the wedding couple... jettisoned the ridiculous detour with her ex... jettisoned all the distractions that made the second and third acts a bit of a slog. Then just have them get together at the very end once all the adventures make them realize that they're meant to be together. I dunno. I'm rating this film as "good" instead of "okay"... but it's with conditions. Namely that everything ends up being a convoluted mess. But the beginning and the leads are good enough to carry it.
✓ Good Branching Out (Spring Into Love • Sarah Drew and Juan Pablo Di Pace • April 27, 2024)
This was actually a fresh take on a story, and it shocked the hell out of me that Hallmark was willing to wade into the waters of surrogacy. But wade they do. A young girl wants to complete her family tree for a school presentation, but can't because it's just her, her mom, and her grandma. She finally convinces her mom to arrange a meeting with her sperm-donor father, and that leads to a painfully predictable pairing... but it's entertaining to watch just the same. There's some funny, clever moments that were unexpected to see, because I honestly anticipated that the script would be a mediocre effort based on the subject matter. But nope! Some effort was put into it, and I liked this movie quite a bit.
✓ A Whitewater Romance (Cindy Busby and Ben Hollingsworth • May 11, 2024)
I am pleased to report that the "helpless female" trope is alive and well at Hallmark Channel. Their latest takes it to new extremes though. I'd be offended on behalf of women everywhere, but the movie was written by a woman, and I don't know if a man is allowed to do that. I understand that not everybody can know everything, but the amount of stupid they heap upon this poor character goes beyond. It's not funny. It's not charming. It's not entertaining. After a while it just got annoying, and the ending didn't help matters.
✓ Everything Puppies (Pascal Lamothe-Kipnes and Stephen Huszar • May 18, 2024)
Putting aside the entire concept for a second... this movie should have been a lot better than it was given that Stephen Huszar was in it. But the guy just couldn't elevate the bargain-basement material he was chained to. A woman makes the best-tasting dog treats ever but can't sell them anywhere because Pup Chuck brand dominates the market. But when the manager of a popular pet store chain decides to give her a break because his doggo just loooooves the treats, her big break is at hand! Unfortunately Hallmark packs in too many tired tropes (seriously... a misunderstanding over overhearing one side of a phone call, AGAIN?!??), there's some wacky ideas over being able to just bake pet food in your kitchen and start selling it without oversight, not to mention the hilarious depiction of the Pup Chuck corporation's shenanigans and... well... move along. Nothing worth watching here.
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