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Poop

Posted on Saturday, January 4th, 2014

Dave!Well, crap.

DAVETOON Monkey Poo

   

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SNNOOOWWWwww!

Posted on Wednesday, January 8th, 2014

Dave!Snow ain't what it used to be.

When I was a kid it would snow as early as Halloween, last through March, and be so deep that you could tunnel under it. Now it's lucky to snow before Christmas, last through February, or be deep enough to matter. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about that. The good news is that I won't have to move to Arizona any time soon. The bad news is that lack of snow now means lack of water later.

This year, our first snow happened today. I know this because I had to scrape it off my car after work...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave screaming because snow is piled on his car in the morning...

It won't last.

Which means it's only here long enough to be irritating.

What else is new.

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Bullet Sunday 363

Posted on Sunday, January 12th, 2014

Dave!Grab onto those Golden Globes... because Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Seahawks! And so the Seahawks won their NFL Second Round Playoffs game against the Saints. Here in Washington State, it's kind of a big deal. And while I support the home team, of course, I'm not a rabid Seahawks fan, so it's more of a passive activity...

Dave and Bad Monkey Hawks Fans

But for most everybody else, it's a bit more obsessive than that...

Dave and Bad Monkey RABID Hawks Fans

It's important to note that quite a few of these fans are only fans when the Seahawks are doing well. When they're doing shitty, these same "fans" will be back to bitching about how much the "SeaChickens" suck.

All I know is that I wouldn't be caught dead at a Seahawks home game any more. The whole "12th Man" phenomena is just too crazy. The entire object of which seems to be to maintain Seattle's reputation of having the loudest fans on earth. Which is something to be proud of, I guess? Personally, I don't get it. Who wants to stand in the middle of a bunch of people screaming non-stop at the top of their lungs? Oh... die-hard Seahawks fans, that's who. Oh well. Good luck, Seahawks!

   
• Miyazaki! The Simpsons unleashed a wonderful, beautiful, amazing tribute to anime and Hayao Miyazaki in a recent episode. So cool...

Time to go watch Spirited Away for the hundredth time.

   
• Veronica! Two months. Two short months...

Veronica Mars Movie Poster

Yeah. I'm excited.

   
• WD-40! Don't you hate it when you're focused on your work when all of a sudden you find yourself thinking "Hey, what's the deal behind WD-40?" And "Why is WD-40 called WD-40 in the first place?" Then, unlike in the past when you'd just shrug your shoulders and go back to work, you instead waste 15 minutes getting caught in a Wikipedia black hole?

WD-40 Line-Up

In case you're wondering... WD-40 was a scientist's 40th attempt to create a Water Displacement formula to prevent corrosion in nuclear missiles. Personally, I would have lied and said it was my 43rd attempt, because WD-43 sounds a lot more fun. Which is important when you're talking about preventing nuclear missiles from corroding.

   
• Globes! Was very happy to see that Breaking Bad got some recognition. Great to see Jennifer Lawrence be her amazing self once again with her American Hustle win. Having Spike Jones win for Her just makes me want to see this film even more than I already did. And Amy Poehler and Tina Fey did a fantastic job hosting, as expected. The only two complaints I had were... A) Most of the award speeches were seriously bad, and B) The tribute to raging pervert Woody Allen had me wondering if everybody had forgotten how he HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HIS WIFE'S ADOPTED DAUGHTER, THEN MARRIED HER... and is STILL under suspicion for molesting one of his wife's other adopted daughters... WHEN SHE WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD! If everybody did forget, we have Woody Allen's son on Twitter to remind them...

Ronan's Woody Tweet

Not to mention the fact that I think all of Allen's movies are shit anyway.

   

And, there you have it. No more bullets for you.

   

Banana!

Posted on Wednesday, January 15th, 2014

Dave!Jeez what a horribly mundane day.

The only thing that's keeping me going is that I have a bag of Budget $aver Banana Popsicles waiting for me at home.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says

I may even have a tub of Snack-Pack Chocolate Pudding left.

Wouldn't that just be the best thing ever?

   

Wrong

Posted on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Dave!"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."     —The Principal from Billy Madison

   

   

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." —Groucho Marx

   

Sarah Palin says Derp!

   

"Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it." —Leo Tolstoy from A Confession

   

Mr. Wrong

   

"It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right." —Lemony Snicket from The Blank Book

   

   

"It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong." —Thomas Sowell

   

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey Wrong

   

If somebody could just take me off this planet, that would be great.

   

Valentoon

Posted on Friday, February 14th, 2014

Dave!Hope your Valentine's Day is a good one!

I (Heart) VD

   

You can see the past ten years of Valentoons right here.

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Psycho

Posted on Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

Dave!What a completely messed-up day.

I am *THIS* close to that psychotic break I've always dreamed of.

Dave Psycho

   
Here's hoping they have internet at the asylum for the criminally insane.

   

Portals

Posted on Thursday, February 20th, 2014

Dave!There are some days I don't know what the hell I'm doing on this planet.

Then I fire up a game of Portal and suddenly don't care any more...


Monkey Portal

   

...until I find out The Cake is a Lie.

Which pretty much sums up my day.

   

Ripped

Posted on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

Dave!This morning I made the heinous error of starting work at 4:00am.

So I was pretty much done by noon. Except I couldn't be done by noon, and so I pushed through for another six hours.

I have nothing left for this blog. So I offer this...

Monkey Kitty!

   

Have a nice evening.

   

Weeks

Posted on Thursday, March 6th, 2014

Dave!Two weeks.

Two weeks until I blow this popsicle stand for twelve whole days...

Vacation Countdown: 14 Days!

   
Guess I should really start making plans and stuff.

   

St. Pat’s

Posted on Monday, March 17th, 2014

Dave!I had an incredibly difficult day today.

Which wouldn't have been so bad... it's a Monday, after all... except I worked all weekend to get caught up so I would have an easy Monday.

All for naught, it would seem.

And now? I just want it all to end. St. Patrick's Day or no...

Monkeyclover

One of these years I really need to draw a new DaveToon for the holiday.

   

Tomorrow

Posted on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014

Dave!Most of my day was spent thinking "One more day. Just one more day. One. More. Day."

One more day until Winter is over. One more day until Spring is here.

One more day until I leave. One more day until I'm on vacation.

I can't fathom what tomorrow is going to be like. I can only guess I'll be skipping down the street while singing "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love yA, tomorrow. You're only a day awaaaayyyyyy!"

Dave Annie

Which would be pretty odd considering how much I hate that song.

Well, unless it's being sung by little Quvenzhane Wallis. How adorable is she?

And now... packing.

   

Tinky

Posted on Saturday, April 12th, 2014

Dave!


Bad Tinky Winky

   

   

Teletubbies say "Eh oh!"

   

Thor’s-Day

Posted on Thursday, May 22nd, 2014

Dave!All things considered, I'd rather be back in Chicago.

Even with all their thunder and lightning...


DAVETOON: Lil' Dave Thor

   

At least there I could get a decent veggie dog.

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NatChocPudDay!

Posted on Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

Dave!For me, EVERY DAY is National Chocolate Pudding Day.

But today is the actual day DAY, so now everybody else gets to celebrate by eating the earth's most perfect food!


National Chocolate Pudding Day!

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey Eat Pudding

   

I've been a fan for a very long time...

Young Dave Eating Pudding Dessert

Dave eating pudding.

You would think that stores would have chocolate pudding on sale today so I could stock up but, alas, no.

I will not let that diminish my holiday, however.

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‘MURICA!

Posted on Friday, July 4th, 2014

Dave!O beautiful for spacious skies, For amber waves of grain, For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain! America! America! God shed his grace on thee And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea! O beautiful for pilgrim feet Whose stern impassioned stress A thoroughfare of freedom beat Across the wilderness! America! America! God mend thine every flaw, Confirm thy soul in self-control, Thy liberty in law! O beautiful for heroes proved In liberating strife. Who more than self their country loved And mercy more than life! America! America! May God thy gold refine Till all success be nobleness And every gain divine! O beautiful for patriot dream That sees beyond the years Thine alabaster cities gleam Undimmed by human tears! America! America! God shed his grace on thee And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea!

Dave!

   

Happy birthday, you crazy bastard!

   

Pimpin’…

Posted on Monday, July 21st, 2014
Dave!... it ain't easy.  

Lil' Dave Pimpin'

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FML

Posted on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

Dave!No. Just no.


   

Dave Bang Your Head

   

   

   

FML, The Sequel

Posted on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Dave!Second verse, same as the first.


   

Dave Bang Your Head

   

   

   

FML, The Threequel

Posted on Thursday, July 24th, 2014

Dave!Third time's a charm.


   

Dave Bang Your Head

   

   

   

Kitty!

Posted on Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

Dave!Everything you know is a lie.

Newsflash: Hello Kitty has never been a cat!

Rest assured, however, that Bad Monkey is most definitely a monkey...

Bad Monkey

And he's bad.

He's bad.

You know it.

   

And, speaking as a close personal friend of Hello Kitty...

Davedon: Dave and Hello Kitty

Dave VD Greetings

Davehellokitty

... SHE'S A FUCKING CAT, OKAY?!?

   

UPDATE: Annnnnnd... Kotaku brings some much-needed sense to the discussion.

   

Belieber

Posted on Saturday, August 30th, 2014

Dave!


Bad Monkey is a Belieber

   

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Labored

Posted on Monday, September 1st, 2014

Dave!I don't care that I had to work on Labor Day.

Because I can finally see a vacation on my monthly calendar...

Bad Monkey is a Belieber

   

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Dos

Posted on Monday, September 15th, 2014

Dave!And... finished packing.

Not having to rush around at the last minute trying to get a suitcase put together? Priceless.


New iPhone 6

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Uno

Posted on Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

Dave!As I read through the news headlines tonight, I can honestly say that the thing I am looking forward to most is not being able to read the news headlines.

Oh to escape from this sick, sad world if only for a little while.


New iPhone 6

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Tired

Posted on Wednesday, October 29th, 2014

Dave!I'm tired.

Tired of playing the game.

Ain't it a cryin' shame.

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey and J├Ąger passed out on the floor.

I'm so tired.

   

Weenie

Posted on Friday, October 31st, 2014

Dave!No trick-or-treaters again this year.

I'd feel bad about it... but I only bought candy I like, so the big winner of the evening is obviously me...

U-NO CANDY BARS ARE BEST!

I remember when I was in my final years of trick-or-treating. It was a war. Complete with a battle-plan that involved maximizing the area covered and minimizing the amount of time to cover it. We knew which houses to go to for the good stuff... and which houses were a waste of time and to be avoided. We alternated being "runners" who would run ahead to the next house and ring the bell so that the door would already be open when the rest of the group arrived. We had parents lined up to drive us to the "good candy neighborhoods" and timed everything so that the houses that tended to shut down early were hit first. And of course we had two sets of cloth candy bags that wouldn't rip like the crappy plastic bags most kids used.

He who had the best battle-plan got the most candy.

And Halloween back in my day was all about the candy.

Until I was too old for trick-or-treating. Then it was time for a new generation to take over.

Except Halloween was too good to last.

Big city problems invaded suburbia. Poisoned candy came along. Candy with razor blades appeared. Frickin' HEALTHY "candy" debuted. Trick-or-treating suddenly became dangerous. Even worse, "fun-size" candies kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller, so even if you could find actual candy, it wasn't worth your time. And don't get me started about the houses handing out toothbrushes or stickers or any of that crap.

So now Halloween is more about dressing up than getting maximum candy.

Which is sad for the child-me who once loved the holiday.

But reason to celebrate for the adult-me who is sitting here with a big bowl of U-NO bars all to myself.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

   

Veterans

Posted on Tuesday, November 11th, 2014

Dave!Hey!

For those men and women who are serving or have served (like my Mom and Dad!)... thank you!


DAVETOON: Happy Veterans Day Everybody!

   

If only the politicians who risk your lives when there's a job to be done would take better care of you once the job is over.

   

Ksanti

Posted on Wednesday, November 19th, 2014

Dave!If I had to pick a single defining attribute of Buddhism, it would be patience.

As you might imagine, patience is a very rare commodity in a world where everything is moving at 100 miles per hour and the mantra for modern living seems to be "Keep up or get left behind." How do you practice patience in such an environment?

The easy answer is that you do not.

Instead you go balls-out like everybody else and try your best to retain enough perspective that you are able to stay sane.

The not-so-easy answer is that you be patient...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave Enlightenment

I do try. But often fail miserably. Probably because I cannot abide discourteous behavior and the world is filled with assholes. I don't have patience for assholes.

Which is totally my fault, of course.

I'll have to try not letting that keep me from trying again.

Because apparently I'm the one asshole I can find patience for.

   

V

Posted on Saturday, November 22nd, 2014

Dave!Even a small victory is worth celebrating.


DAVETOON: Lil' Dave Drives Angry

   

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!

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Eyeroll

Posted on Tuesday, November 25th, 2014

Dave!A great deal of my day was spent rolling my eyes into the back of my head.

The rest of the day was pretty much this...


Dave Bang Your Head

   

Good thing it's taco night.

   

RAGE!

Posted on Thursday, November 27th, 2014

Dave!I am working on Thanksgiving Day.

Your faux outrage is most appreciated!


DaveToon: Turkey Peace

   

Time to be thankful you're not a turkey...

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Bullet Sunday 412

Posted on Sunday, December 21st, 2014

Dave!Don't let that crazy solstice celebration get out of control... because Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Goodbye! After nine years of being a huge fan of The Colbert Report, I was saddened that the show had to come to the end this past Thursday...

Stephen Colbert Defender of American Justice!

Best of luck to Stephen Colbert when he takes over The Late Show next Spring.

   
• Primate! It was only a matter of time before we figured out how to translate monkey-speak... and Scientific American says we are there...

NASA emails a wrench to SPAAAAACE!

I wonder how you say "GIVE ME THE BANANA AND NOBODY GETS POOP THROWN AT THEIR HEAD!" —?

   
• Wrench! BEHOLD THE MAJESTY OF SCIENCE!

NASA emails a wrench to SPAAAAACE!
Photo courtesy of NASA.

When the commander of the International Space Station needed a specialty wrench, NASA emailed it to him for printing on the lab's 3D printer. The future is now, people.

   
• Leia! Just because I want to keep the internet adorable...

"It's actually a pretty good look for her."

   
• Trek! Over at Playboy they have an article that ranks ALL THE STAR TREK! And that includes the animated episodes! For the Star Trek fan, it is must-read material. I agree almost completely at the bottom of the list... disagree a little at the top... and disagree a lot with the middle (but I'm not much of a fan of the non TOS episodes, so shoot me)...

Star Trek Graphic Compiled by Playboy

Many of my differences with the list are debatable, but the one episode that just baffles me beyond all reason is the Enterprise episode Carbon Creek at THREE HUNDRED SEVENTY-TWO?!?? WTF?!?

   
• OBAMA! Thanks to my laptop and the internet, I can work anywhere in the world where I have access to both. But apparently The President of the United States can't work from Hawaii (despite being one of the most well-connected people on earth) since every moron with a lifeline to FOX "News" is shitting all over him for spending the holidays away from the White House during the "North Korean Hacking Crisis." Stupid shit like this drives me insane. What... is the president's desk MAGICAL and he loses all his "Leader of the Free World Powers" whenever he's away from it? Hackers IN NORTH KOREA can run the film industry from half a world away, but The President of the United States can't gather information for a response because he's back home? Do the idiots who say this moronic crap actually listen to the words coming out of their mouths? Even if President Obama DID cancel his trip, the same dipshits would STILL lambast him because they he'd be "letting the terrorist win" by not keeping to his schedule. The ultimate irony being that a job like "President of the United States" doesn't actually get ANY vacation days, because the world doesn't stop, there's always a crisis somewhere, and your job as president never ends... no matter where you are.

   
Annnnd... back to your solstice celebration.

   

Merry

Posted on Thursday, December 25th, 2014

Dave!To all those who celebrate...

Have a Monkey Christmas!

   

Time for two of my annual Christmas traditions!

First... breaking my Little Drummer Boy Challenge fast with Grace Jones...

And then... checking to make sure Alex Honnold is still alive (he is).

   

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