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DeGoogled

Posted on Monday, January 1st, 2007

Dave!I had a long hard day at work and didn't get home until 10:30. This is not the best way to spend a Sunday holiday. Some would argue that it's not the best way to spend any day but, sadly, I'm used to it. So when I finally drag my sorry ass to the couch for some quality TiVo time, I realize that I haven't written in my blog today. That sucks, because I don't really feel like it now. For the first time in years, I actually consider skipping a day.

Until I turn on the television and see Dr. Daniel Stein M.D. telling me how he has devoted his professional life to improving the sexual health of others. "Holy crap!" I say to myself as images of this creepy doctor instructing people how to have sex fill my head. But it turns out he's selling penis enlargement pills called (hah!) ExtenZe. Actually, they're MAXIUM STRENGTH Extenze (I guess when it comes to giving yourself a bigger penis, there's no half-way, so "regular strength" ExtenZe is not an option).

But penis enlargement pills are not the reason I decided to blog, however.

It's what Dr. Daniel Stein M.D. said next...
"I have personally researched the formula in ExtenZe, and found it to be truly effective."

Which is another way of saying "I've tried the stuff, and now I have a massive, massive penis."

"Well that explains why they only show him from the waist up" I say to nobody in particular. Suddenly I wonder if this is the secret to Lil' Dave's own massive endowment, and consider offering him to the Stein Medical Institute as a spokesperson (spokestoon?)...

Daveextenze

There's a part of me that actually wants to call for the free sample to see if it actually works... and then blog about it. I can picture it now...

"DAY 10: My penis is now so big that I had to buy a larger pair of pants today..."

In other news, I got an email from somebody a few weeks ago which I thought was spam offering to "increase your search engine position" and was about to trash it when I realized it wasn't an offer, it was a question. A guy was asking if I was preventing Google from indexing my site, because he was having problems Googling my blog. I go check it out and, sure enough, Googling "blogography" shows no results for my "Blogography" (yet at Yahoo, Ask.com, MSN and other search engines I show up fine). I have no idea why. Signing up for Google's "Webmaster Tools" reveals nothing and provides no way of finding out. I guess it doesn't matter, because it's not like I'm getting money for visitors or anything... but it is strange how dozens of sites that link here show up while the actual "blogography.com" does not. Oh well. It's not like anybody at Google is going to care about a blog like mine.

And then today I read where Boing Boing, one of the biggest web sites in existence, is having the same problem.

Now that I know a site like Boing Boing has also gone missing, I have to wonder if Google's search results are worth a crap anymore. Perhaps it's time to go back to Yahoo? If I were running a business, I would be totally screwed, because Google IS search, and there's doesn't seem to be anything you can do if you disappear.

On the bright side, I should be grateful because I don't really want my site popping up when people Google "massive penis."

   

Whiner

Posted on Wednesday, February 21st, 2007

Dave!"Well aren't you a whiny little bitch in your blog lately" she says in a tone of distaste.

Nothing like having a friend ring you up first thing in the morning so she can call you names... "Ooh look! Mayonnaise! You are whining about m-a-y-o-n-n-a-i-s-e now!" she cries, drawing out the word "mayonnaise" to an impressive 30 seconds. I act quickly to defend myself, but to dubious effect: "Uhhh... actually, I'm whining about Miracle Whip... see, they changed the recipe and it's melting into my toast..." I hear a huff of disgust followed by "Oh? Miracle Whip? Well that makes a BIG difference!" I then envision her eyes rolling so far back into her head that they get stuck there. "Maybe you shouldn't read my blog anymore, because whining is what I DO there," I offer helpfully. But she doesn't hear me... "HA! HA! The monkey is smuggling heroin up his ass?! HA! HAAAAAAA! Where do you come up with this stuff?"

Having friends and family reading your blog is a mixed bag.

On one hand, when I'm traveling or doing something interesting, everybody can see what's going on in my life without having to ask. In many ways, this is why I started blogging in the first place... it's easier than having to send a bunch of emails that all say the same thing, or having the same telephone conversation over and over. It also has the benefit of giving me a record of what I was doing two years ago (driving from Birmingham to Nashville with stops at the Hard Rock Cafes in Nashville and Gatlinburg) or even just two months ago (puking my guts out), which is kind of nifty.

On the other hand, much of what I write in my blog is stuff that I would never bore somebody with in "real life," so it can be confusing to people who know me (and even more perplexing to those who don't, I'm sure).

Such is the hazard of blogging from a small town where nothing very exciting ever happens, and all you do each day is work. You end up whining about a lot of little things (like Miracle Whip) because there's nothing else going on. I've toyed with the idea of only writing when I have something interesting to say, but what's the point of having a blog with only ten entries per year?

It makes me jealous of bloggers who live fabulous lives in the big city, because they almost never post an entry featuring a cartoon monkey smuggling heroin up his ass (and, when they do, it's bound to be much more entertaining and better-drawn than what you'll find here).

Which puts me in kind of a dilemma...

What Not To Blog

Since today was yet another boring day, should I talk about Britney Spears' continuing melt-down? Or how awesome and surprising Veronica Mars was last night? Or about that scary video of Anna Nicole Smith in clown makeup talking to a doll? Or maybe I should blog about the world's tiniest prematurely-born baby getting to go home?

I'm sure any of those topics would make for a most excellent blog entry.

But I'd much rather whine about people who over-fill their gas tanks and spill petrol all over the place. Don't you just want to roll them around in the spill until they've mopped it all up and then set them on fire? Because I am getting really sick and tired of getting out of my car to fill up, stepping in a puddle of gasoline, then having to smell it all day long. I've spent the latter half of my afternoon debating as to whether the fumes I've been inhaling are better or worse than the smell of the men's public toilet at an outdoor concert during the middle of 110-degree summer heat after two hundred drunken guys urinate on every available surface. Since I loathe both smells equally, you can see what a challenge this is for me.

Except now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel a little better.

Isn't whining about your life what blogs are for?

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Whiteness

Posted on Thursday, February 22nd, 2007

Dave!I must be doing something right, because the volume of hate-mail I've been getting lately is five times what it was a year ago (I started keeping count after the Scary Clown Incident of 2004). February isn't even over yet, and I'm at a record-breaking 14 hateful emails/comments for the month! I always try to respond to people who have the balls to sign their name and give a valid email address... but all the anonymous crap is deleted with such speed that one could say it never existed at all (except as a tally-mark on my hate-mail count sheet). And since 90% of the stuff is from anonymous pussies who actually think I give a crap, hate-mail and hate-comments are never much trouble.

I suppose I should be crying on the inside, but my inner-child seems to be sleeping at the moment.

I wonder how much trouble I can get into today?

I am blessed with teeth that are naturally white. Since I don't drink coffee, don't smoke, and brush them three times daily, they tend to stay that way. And when I say "white" I don't mean "literally white" because they are actually teeth-colored which, in fact, is kind of an off-white color. But ever since I switched to the delicious Crest Whitening Expressions Cinnamon toothpaste, I've noticed that my teeth have been getting even whiter (whoa... the shit actually works!). They're now more white than off-white, and I am quite pleased about that.

Crest White

Unfortunately, I have an addictive personality and never seem to be content when something better is on the horizon.

Having mostly-white teeth simply isn't good enough anymore. I find myself secretly wanting brilliant-white teeth...

Dave Teeth

When I smile, I want anybody not wearing sunglasses to be temporarily blinded.

So when Crest sends me a $7.00 coupon offer that can be applied to a box of Crest White Strips, it's like offering a crack-addict a vial of cocaine. I clicked that link faster than Britney checks out of rehab, and have my credit card ready.

At least until I find out that the retail cost of a box of White Strips is $39.99, which means my desire for brilliant-white teeth requires an investment of $32.99... PLUS TAX!

Holy crap! For that kind of money I can buy the biggest Maglite flashlight they make (for temporarily blinding people), and still have money left over for a couple bags of Golden Oreos! I don't mean to sound cheap or anything, but $35 for whiter teeth? Maybe if my teeth were brown this would seem like a bargain, but I can't fathom paying $35 when my teeth are already mostly-white. I guess that I'll keep brushing with my whitening toothpaste and hope for the best.

And now, because I am a total meme whore, I've put that "book meme" that's been working its way around the blogosphere in an extended entry (I can't remember if I saw it first from Frances or SJ)...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2007, BooksClick To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Pile

Posted on Saturday, February 24th, 2007

Dave!After two weeks of relatively sane weather, I had packed away my gloves and coat in anticipation of Spring's imminent arrival.

Given that five inches of snow decided to drop this morning, I can see that this was a stupid move. And, as if that weren't scary enough, the killer geese decided to pay a visit as well. I think the snow only made them more angry than usual, because around twenty of them were honking around the building for an hour or so... presumably out for blood. Fortunately, they left before I had to go to the movie theater (Kapgar was totally right, Breach was a pretty good flick... AND it had Jaye in it!).

In other news, here is me sitting on a pile of money...

Dave Pile of Money

Apparently, this is what some people think my life is like after I started blogging. I received another email today asking me about all the money I'm making off of Blogography, and what my secret is to being a successful blogger. Like last time, I remain dumbfounded as to how people could think that I get any money from doing this when I don't have advertisers or membership fees. I guess the money is just supposed to fall from the sky or something.

So as not to disappoint those people who think of me as some kind of millionaire blogger, would y'all mind sending me a couple thousand dollars? I think if everybody pitches in, I can start living the fabulous and excessive lifestyle that is expected of me. That would be great, thanks.

And now, just for Hilly, I am answering her feed reader/blogroll questionnaire in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Astral

Posted on Thursday, March 8th, 2007

Dave!Last night I was flipping though channels and landed on the CW Network which was airing a "Pussycat Dolls: The Search for a New Pussy" reality show. I kept watching expecting to see hottie potential Pussies shaking their asses in some kind of competition... but instead was treated to a girl blowing chunks in the toilet. WTF? If I wanted this kind of action, I'd go buy a Girls Gone Wild video where I could see me some nudity with my puking!

Blargh. I miss Veronica Mars already (which is on hiatus until sometime in April).

Back on Sunday when I was in Chicago all bored and alone in my hotel room, Hilly (whom I love more than chocolate pudding) was kind enough to "keep me company" via email as I hammered away on my blog entry for the day. Eventually our conversation turned to the upcoming TequilaCon this weekend, and how much we were looking forward to the event. Though my trip is not coming together exactly as I had planned, I am still excited that I can go...

Dave at Tequilacon 2007
Tequilacon 2007 Logo

This got me to thinking about all the bloggers I've met in person, and how lucky I am to have had the opportunity to do so. While meeting bloggers in real-life has never been a disappointment, it has always been different. That's what makes everything so much fun...

  • Sometimes a blogger is exactly what you expect when you meet them in person. They somehow manage to capture themselves perfectly in their blog, and the only surprise is how unsurprising they are to you. These are the people you feel you've known all your life after speaking to them for only ten minutes.
  • Sometimes a blogger is so good at expressing themselves in their writing that they seem more "real" in their blog than in actual real-life. These are the people whom I stand in awe of, because they've found an outlet for personal expression they might not otherwise have.
  • Sometimes a blogger whom you may not relate to at all in their writings comes to life in a way you never expected once you've seen them in person. These are the people who are the most fun to meet, because they will get you to appreciate their blog in an entirely new light... their physical personality giving you an entirely new context for enjoying their blog.
  • And sometimes a blogger is just totally insane (I get that a lot when people meet me).

So tomorrow I'm off to the airport to fly down to Portland (since my stupid car would probably explode if I tried to drive it to TequilaCon). For everybody who is attending, I'll see you there! For those of you who can't make it... why not astrally project yourself to the party? On Saturday around 7:00pm, just float your spirit-self over Oregon, and drop down when you see this...

Kennedy School Overview

That's The Kennedy School Bar and Hotel in northern Portland. If I sense your essence, I'll be sure to give you a astral high-five and buy you an out-of-body drink. But please don't drink and astrally-project home! You're more than welcome to crash your higher being in my room so long as you behave yourself (no spirit-fingering my ass in the middle of the night).

Hmmm... I should probably get some more sleep this morning so I'll have the energy to pack a suitcase after work tonight. I wonder how many pair of underwear I'll be needing for the weekend? I think I'll pack a dozen just to be safe.

   

TEQUILACON 1

Posted on Saturday, March 10th, 2007

Dave!Today is the day!

TeuilaCon 2007 started off early yesterday when I met Karl and Hilly at the airport for the 10-minute drive to The Kennedy School for check-in. There were tentative plans to have a pre-con meet up, so we had dinner and drinks at the restaurant while we waited. It was nice to catch up on old times, but a bit odd when you consider that I had never met either one of them before today... blogger meet-ups are like that.

Once Adena and Stacey arrived, we couldn't find a table anywhere at The Kennedy School (it's a popular place!) so we took a run to the Alameda Brew House not too far away. Then Neil and Sophia showed up for beer and big fun...

TequilaCon 2007
Hilly, Sophia, Neil, Karl, Stacey, and Adena at the Alameda Brew House

Then it was time to head back to The Kennedy School where we ran into Dustin (my new roommate) and went hunting for bloggers. After a while of wandering, we found Jenny, Brandon, Jill, Kimberly, Sibyl, and Vahid.

TequilaCon 2007
Jenny rocking the official TequilaCon 2007 poster.

This morning we're meeting up for super-fantastic French Toast at The Cadillac Cafe and then heading downtown to Powell City of Books. I'm sure there will be blogging updates as time allows.

Categories: Blogging 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  3 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

TEQUILACON 2

Posted on Sunday, March 11th, 2007

Dave!Wow.

TequilaCon 2007 has just ended, and it couldn't have been more amazing. A great bunch of people having fun (sometimes too much fun) and getting to meet the faces behind the blogs. I just knew it was going to be good, but nothing could prepare me for how much fun was to be had. Kudos to the TequilaCon Advisory Committee for their brilliant work this time around, and I can't wait to attend next year's event.

Among the billions of photos taken, here are a few random shots from my camera tonight...

Tequilacon 2007

Jenny's annual tattoo parlor was open for business. Mine was pretty bad-ass. "Bad to the Bone - FOREVER" with a skull and cross-bones... it doesn't get much better than that...

Tequilacon 2007

The incomparable Hilly and Stunning Ms. Sizzle glamming it up for their adoring fans and paparazzi...

Tequilacon 2007

We took a run with Portland's favorite taxi driver to the famous VooDoo Donuts. The trip was made all the more exciting when we found out that COCK-FEST was coming to town...

Tequilacon 2007

Our voodoo donut sacrifice to the tequila gods was delicious...

Tequilacon 2007

But one of the most interesting attendees for TequilaCon 2007 was the venue itself. The Kennedy School is incredibly cool, despite a number of disturbing images hanging in the hallways...

Tequilacon 2007

To everybody who attended, thanks for such a great time. To everybody who could not attend, I hope to see you next time!

   

Buttoned

Posted on Monday, March 12th, 2007

Dave!Continuing on with TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

As Jenny was organizing the massive blowout that was TequilaCon 2007 PACNW, there was one concern that kept popping up in my head. What can you do you to make sure that people don't spend all their time hanging with bloggers they already know, but instead branch out and want to meet everybody? How do you make sure that those people who might be shy around groups or are new to blogging feel welcome, comfortable, and involved? The name badge lanyards were a start, but was there something else I could do to help out?

Having been to a number of Hard Rock Cafe pin collector events, I knew that most of the fun was wandering around trading pins with all the attendees. With this in mind, I decided to put my button machine to good use and make blog buttons. I didn't know everybody showing up... or even if everybody who said they were going to show up would actually be there... but I figured if I picked a dozen bloggers, gave them custom blog pins, and then brought a big bag of eclectic pins for everybody else, maybe it would encourage people to wander around so they could trade. Just maybe attendees would end up talking to more people than they usually would if they were trying to find pins they didn't have. It was worth a shot...

TequilaCon Buttons

It seemed to work out okay, because everywhere you went TequilaConners were wearing pins on their shirts and had pins stacked on their lanyards...

TequilaCon Buttons

The problem was that not everybody had custom pins to trade. I feel kind of bad about that, so once Jenny compiles a final list of attendees I'll fix those blog pins I got wrong, add the blog pins I missed, then build a complete set I can send out to those who would like to have them. If Jenny and Brandon end up wanting to do this again next year, hopefully I'll be better organized.

And now for a few of those TequilaCon Moments I never get tired of re-living...

Knowing my love of all things Batman, Karl surprised me with an early birthday present... A BATMAN ALARM CLOCK! It's retro cool and will look superb sitting on my Batman Lego shelf. And, as if the clock weren't enough, Karl also included a battery. The man has class, I'll give him that much (though I will always remain jealous that the bastard looks better rocking Hilly's tiara than I do).

Dave's New Bat-Clock

Then, just as I was beginning to think that this was the best TequilaCon ever, Michelle shows up with another present... THE NINJA-POPE LIL' DAVE ACTION FIGURE! This means not only is she Portland's favorite taxi driver, president of the TequilaCon Doughnut Procurement Office, and somebody I love more than my Cinnamon Crest toothpaste, she's also got talent. No photo could ever do justice to the detail that's sculpted into the piece (he's even sporting his Ninja Papal Power Staff!), but he's been added to my toy shelf, right between the starship Enterprise and my Plastic Brain, as you can see here...

PopeDave Toy

Pretty sweet! And if you are not reading This Fare City, you should be. In all seriousness, many of Michelle's stories are better than the rest of our blogs put together.

Alrighty then. Will tomorrow finally see an end to all these TequilaCon entries? Probably not. I've barely touched upon all the goings on from the weekend. TequilaCon was much bigger than anybody could have anticipated, and the aftershocks will be felt for days (if not months) to come!

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Peeped

Posted on Friday, March 16th, 2007

Dave!This is the conclusion of TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

Gee, can it really have been a week since I flew off to Portland and the wonders of TequilaCon? Apparently so.

One of the hazards of attending a blogging event packed with talented, clever, interesting people is that you leave with a big pile of new links for your blogroll. This is a happy event if your blog is new and your blogroll is empty. But if you've been blogging four years like I have, odds are your blogroll is already stuffed to overflowing.

Time to move my blogroll to a separate page.

Now I've got room to keep a running tally of all the bloggers I've met, but it seems a shame that I can't promote those many bloggers I enjoy but haven't met on the front page. Looks like it's time to look at finishing up my BloggerPeeps project.

The original idea of BloggerPeeps was to create an "blogger anti-network" and offer a visual directory of bloggers I read. One of my favorite parts of the project was the idea of creating a little "Peep Popper" widget which would randomly cycle through all of the BloggerPeeps members... kind of a compact blogroll with little Peep-Heads that shift in and out...

Peep Popper

I built the Peep Popper in Flash so it could do all the nifty things it needed to do, but could never get it to work right. I've made a temporary non-working widget, but still want to find somebody who knows how to program Flash ActionScript so I can have a real one.

In the meanwhile, the BloggerPeeps site is here, and there are already two amazing bloggers listed there from last year (which was when I started this project). To keep things interesting, I'll be adding a new Peep-Head every week.

Okay then... until TequilaCon 2008, I guess that's all she wrote.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Farrah

Posted on Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

Dave!This morning I woke up woefully behind in my email. As I'm pouring through it all, I quickly notice a bunch of comment notifications on several different entries left by the same guy. This isn't terribly unusual, because every once in a while somebody discovers Blogography for the first time and gets a little excited about leaving feedback. It's actually kind of nice when it happens.

Except this time. The first comment was about how this guy had a blog for a year, but finally gave up on it because nobody was reading. "If I had known I needed to draw cartoons and write nonsense to build an audience, I would have never started in the first place" he said. Things just got stranger from there. Comment #4 was a rant about how "nobody is elevating blogs to their potential for serious discourse" and then "crap like this (i.e. Blogography) should be deleted for clogging up the internet with stupidity." Comment #5 was priceless, because he stopped slamming me and my blog, and decided to turn on my readers (this means you). "Why in the hell are you people wasting your time with this crap?" he ponders. "42 comments about Vanna White on a mattress? Are you all insane or mentally deficient? How many comments would you leave if somebody wrote about cleaning the grout in their bathtub or wiping their ass?"

An aside here... If he had dug a little deeper in the archives, he would have found out that an entry about wiping my ass resulted in 27 comments. I'm still working on that bathtub grout entry.

But it was comment #7 which stole my heart. After blasting away at me, my blog, my readers, my genealogy, Google, The New York Times, a few A-list bloggers (like Dooce, Robert Scoble, & Perez Hilton), and the entire blogosphere in general, he decided to unleash his wrath on... wait for it... Farrah Fawcett??

Yes. You read that right. Farrah...

Monkey Farrah
And no spanking my monkey in front of the Farrah poster!

Don't ask me why. I'm assuming Farrah doesn't have a blog, so maybe she set his computer on fire or something. Let your imagination run wild. All I do know is that Farrah is somehow partially responsible for people not reading the guy's stuff, and he is kind of upset about that.

Usually I delete comments like this and don't mention it, because the last thing I want to do is encourage this kind of behavior. Nasty comments which do nothing to contribute to the conversation simply aren't worth the trouble. If you want to disagree with me (or give me a verbal spanking) for something I've written, then more power to you. I have no problem approving comments like that. But I refuse to waste my time and energy on comment trolls who want a soap box for their wacky crap. They can start their own blog (or, in this case, un-delete their old blog) and leave me out of it.

But the idea of having Farrah Fawcett in one of my blog entries proved too compelling, so here we are. I understand she did very well with her recent medical treatment and is now cancer-free, so way to go Farrah. Maybe now we'll get that original Charlie's Angels reunion people keep talking about.

Anyway, there was no email address or link left with any of the comments, so I guess this is the end of it.

Ironically, if the guy's comments are any indication of what his blog was like, I would so totally have read it.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

TQ3.2

Posted on Friday, March 23rd, 2007

Dave!The ripples from the sensory utopia that was TequilaCon3 PACNW 2007 continue.

First there was TQ3.1 Seattle, whereas Dustin, Karl, and Ms. Sizzle kept the magic going. And last night was TQ3.2 Wenatchee, where Brandon, Shari, and I met up for dinner in the one-time Apple Capital of the World.

I brought a box of Aplets & Cotlets for Brandon (read this to find out why), Brandon brought a bottle of laundry detergent for me (read this to find out why), and Shari brought her entire family (for protection, obviously, which is self-explanatory considering she was meeting up with crazy bastards like Brandon and I).

The bad news is that everything went great, and I have no exciting "Brandon took out a gun and shot up the place" stories to tell. The good news is that we came up with a terrific list of possible locations for TequilaCon4 2008 that we'll be suggesting to Jenny...

Colby KS

Okay, I made up that last one because I've always wanted to visit there, but the remaining four locations actually came up in conversation. There were a number of other cities tossed around, but I forget what they were (Las Vegas maybe?). Naturally I'm pulling for Kansas because I've never been there before.

Hmmm... I'm taking the day off today. I wonder what kind of trouble I can get into?

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Troubleshooting

Posted on Monday, April 2nd, 2007

Dave!Well, shit! My Verizon DSL is down at home. AGAIN.

I don't know what pisses me off more... having to waste an hour with technical support when I already know what the issue is... or eventually being told that somebody will look at it when they damn well feel like it (i.e. 24 to 48 hours). What's even worse is that my Verizon DSL account doesn't come with a backup dial-up connection, despite the fact that my local phone service, long-distance phone service, wireless, and DirecTV service are ALL handled by Verizon. That's pretty f#@%ed up.

So now I have to drive into work anytime I want to use the internet, which sucks ass.

Dave Netless Insanity

What worries me is how I start to go insane if I am disconnected from the internet for more than 30 minutes. And it's not as if I don't have anything better to do than sitting around reading blogs and stuff, it's just that my life seems so abnormal when I'm not able to go online any time I want.

Which, of course, is all the time

Crap! Now I have to drive back to work so I can post this. Having an internet addiction blows.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Conduct

Posted on Monday, April 9th, 2007

Dave!Today the blogosphere is abuzz over Tim O' Reilly's well-meaning but entirely insane proposal for bloggers to adopt a "Code of Conduct." The New York Times was all too happy to jump on the bandwagon by running a page-one story entitled "A Call for Manners in the World of Nasty Blogs." This could have been an interesting piece, but once I read the opening line ("Is it too late to bring civility to the Web?") I was laughing too hard to pay much attention.

Now, before I dig in, let me state that I am giving the benefit of doubt that Tim O' Reilly's heart is in the right place here. I understand he is trying to do a good thing. Who wouldn't want to make the blogosphere a better, safer place after the disturbing events surrounding the Kathy Sierra incident? Some of the stuff that goes on in our "world" is hurtful, hateful, and just plain sick. Wanting to address these horrors is only human.

But no thank you.

I'm not signing up for anything that tells me what I can say, how I should run my blog, and how I should react to other people's blogs. If anybody cares why I feel this way, I've address Mr. O'Reilly's six bullet-points in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Indirectly

Posted on Tuesday, April 17th, 2007

Dave!Oooh. Hate-comment of the day... "You are just another turd in the blog toilet clogging up Google with shit!" At first I thought that my Farrah-hating comment stalker was back, but a quick check of my stats shows a different IP address. So then I took a look through my search referral log and see that this person found me from a Google search for "ann coulter shaved porn." Such is the peril of having your blog archives indexed by Google, I guess.

I'd be upset, but I'm too freaked out at the idea that anybody would want to see Ann Coulter doing porn... shaved or otherwise. Just typing the phrase "ann coulter shaved porn" is enough to make me vomit in my mouth a little bit.

Even though this particular comment can't be taken seriously, I do get criticism from time to time over my apparent refusal to say anything of substance here, and for clogging up the blogosphere with my senseless crap. I draw funny cartoons and talk about wacky stuff, but any serious discussion is notably absent (except on rare occasions). My response has always been that I deal with enough serious crap all day long that I don't feel like dealing with it all over again in my blog. And that's pretty much the truth. Naturally I have my opinions on subjects like Don Imus, President Bush, Global Warming, Stem Cell Research, Knut the Bear, and all the rest... but blogging specifically about that stuff is simply not something I'm interested in. There are many, many other blogs out there who are happy to mix it up, I just don't happen to be one of them.

But to say that I don't put my 2¢ in on current events is not quite true, because many times I actually do so... just indirectly.

For example, my entry yesterday about the spider in my suitcase was written around 1:00am. I couldn't sleep, and decided to write out a blog entry in the hopes that my mind would relax and I could go back to bed. Even though it had just become Monday, I decided not to post it right away, and tried to get more sleep. Fast forward to my lunch hour where I am checking the news, and the Virginia Tech Massacre story is all over the place. Deeply saddened by yet another case of senseless violence in an increasingly senseless world, I added the following paragraph to the entry I had written earlier that morning...

"In a world where it is increasingly more common to kill a life than save it... where it's far easier to destroy something than to create it... it's the little things like this that help me feel better about my place in the grand scheme of things."

This was an indirect response to the news coming out of Virginia, even though most people probably didn't realize it as such.

And, to quote Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

Of course, now my blog is going to rocket to the top of the Google charts for people who can't get enough Ann Coulter shaved porn. I'd address that indirectly by talking about a television program I once saw about pubic lice, but something tells me this would just confuse the issue further.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Blogiversary IV… DAY ONE!

Posted on Monday, April 23rd, 2007

Dave!Well take a look at what we have here... it's my four-year blogiversary!

And if you had told me back at the beginning that I'd still be writing in Blogography... daily, no less... four years hence, I'd have thought you were insane (and then probably killed you because that kind of crazy just shouldn't be wandering the streets). After all, I had two failed blogs under my belt from the previous three years, and there was no indication that Blogography was going to be any different. The only change was that if Blogography didn't work out, it was going to be three strikes and I was done.

But here I am, still writing my daily dose of incomprehensible crap.

Year One was a mess, filled mostly with memes and boring stuff that I should have deleted long ago. Year Two was when I finally got my shit together and my blog was everything I wanted it to be... "the golden years," if you will. Year Three was the hardest, with too many bumps in the road and crazy crap that had me contemplating shutting Blogography down. And here we are at Year Four, and the blogging habit is such a big part of my life that I can't see an end to it. So it must be time to celebrate...

Blogography Blogiversary IV

Yes indeed, this time the shit is very personal, as you will find out during this week-long party that has been five months in the making. Just like previous years, there will be hundreds of dollars worth of prizes to win and good times along the way, but there are going to be some changes as well...

  • Each of the four prize days will symbolize one year of Blogography, and I'll be writing up a summary of each year along with some choice links for exploring my blogging past.
  • Just like last year, to be eligible for the Grand Prize drawing you'll have to correctly answer some trivia questions, but this time the answers will be in the summary links, so you won't have to spend hours searching... this is supposed to be fun, not work!
  • I have re-worked the prizes to be more "foreign friendly." Readers outside the USA now comprise half my regular readership, and last year there were people who didn't enter because shipping charges to foreign addresses was not included and the cost was prohibitive. That's not the case this year, and I've done my best to make sure everybody can play.
  • With that in mind, the prizes this year mean a great deal to me because they're mine.
  • The week culminates with the official grand re-opening of the Artificial Duck Store... and this time it's a real store with a proper shopping cart, inventory status, and such. Hopefully this will eliminate (or greatly reduce) the number of orders which cannot be filled because of out-of-stock merchandise. And that's a good thing, because there will be a lot more of it!

The schedule of events looks something like this...

Blogography Blogiversary IV

Oh yeah. You might want to tune in every day, because it will undoubtedly be worth your while. :-)

   

Blogiversary IV: DAY TWO

Posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

Every year I release a new T-shirt to celebrate my blogiversary. First there was the classic Blogography Logo T, then came the Bad Monkey T, and lastly was the infamous Zombies Ate My Brain T (chosen by YOU, my loyal Blogography readers in last year's contest). Well, this year I came up with 32 different design ideas, and couldn't make up my mind which one to print. So I went to dinner with a group of friends, and we managed to narrow it down to a mere 7.

Since everybody did such a great job of picking a design last year, I'm going to put it up for a vote again this year.

And, to make it worth your while, everybody who votes will be getting a coupon for $10 OFF any Artificial Duck Co. Store T-Shirt purchase!

Dave Ten Dollar

That means you can pick up a classic white shirt for just $5 (+ shipping)... or one of the new color shirts for just $7 (+shipping)*. And these ain't no crappy iron-on designs... no way! Each shirt is custom silk-screened on premium quality 100% cotton shirts for the ultimate in comfort and durability!

And, just because I love you, FIVE VOTERS will be put in a drawing to get a shirt ABSOLUTELY FREE... all you pay is the shipping charges!

It's almost too good to be true! So how do you vote? It's easy!

  1. Take a look at each design below and decide which TWO shirts you like best.
  2. Send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! with your TWO votes... be sure to use a valid email address to send your vote so you can get your coupon!
  3. But HURRY... your vote must be received by Saturday, April 28th at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time).

And here's this year's choices... you're voting for the TWO designs you like best...

Bad Monkey
VOTE: Bad Monkey (on yellow)

Dave Pope
VOTE: Dave Pope (on teal)

Toxic Yawn
VOTE: Toxic Yawn (on green)

Smoking Monkeys
VOTE: Smoking Monkeys (on blue)

Try Evil
VOTE: Try Evil (on black)

Little Geeky
VOTE: Little Geeky (on olive)

Blogography
VOTE: Blogography (on slate)

Please be sure to follow the rules listed above to vote, and may the best design win!

10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR ONE: 04/03-03/04
   
Dave writes his very first snarky rant about 6 extra grams of fat on some daft bitch's lazy ass.
Dave first declares his love for Elizabeth Hurley.
Dave writes his first travel-blog on a trip to Iceland and Stockholm.
Dave rips apart a totally incompetent review of Kill Bill by James Berardinelli at "ReelViews."
Dave writes about a trip to New Orleans, pre-Katrina... one of his favorite cities.
Dave draws his very first DaveToon, featuring the first appearance of Bad Monkey on Blogography.
Dave writes that infamous entry about hating clowns which spawns his first hate-mail avalanche.
Dave writes about lame internet quizzes, and then makes up his own lame internet quiz ideas.
Dave finally writes about something personal, which turns out to be a fairly rare event.
Dave draws a DaveToon about brushing his teeth, which is still one of Blogography most popular links.

*PLEASE NOTE: Shirts will be printed in early June once all the pre-orders have been taken through the month of May. The prices listed above are for sizes S-XL. Larger sizes are available for an extra charge: 2XL is $1.00 extra, 3XL is $2.00 extra. Sizes bigger than 2X are not available in colors, but I'll be happy to print any design on a white shirt: 4XL is $3.00 extra, 5XL is $4.00 extra, 6XL is $5.00 extra.

   

Blogiversary IV: DAY THREE

Posted on Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

Everybody loves little 1-inch button pins! Especially when they have really cool stuff on them. I originally invested in pricey professional button-making equipment for a charity fundraising event. Eventually it occurred to me that it might be cool to make buttons for my blog and pass them out at blogger meet-ups and stuff. When TequilaCon came around, I took some Blogography pins, some custom pins for bloggers I knew, and a big bag of 60 "generic" designs so everybody else could have pins to trade. By the end of the night all my pins were gone, and everybody seemed to have fun with them.

So I decided to add pins to the Artificial Duck Store for sale in ready-to-buy sets or pick-and-choose sets that customers can assemble themselves. There will also be the option for bloggers to send in their own artwork and have custom pins made. It's button fun for everyone, and I call them DuckyButtons...

Dave Buttons!

In celebration of this new addition to the store, today's contest will feature button prizes...

TODAY'S $150+ GRAND PRIZE DRAWING...
   
B3 Shirt$50 Amazon Gift Certificate ($50 value). Rather than shipping heavy books, region-specific DVDs, or CDs that get ripped and tossed in a landfill, I've decided to pass out Amazon Gift Certificates. This means prize-winners can get whatever they like and, since Amazon is available in several countries around the globe, it's a prize most everybody can enjoy (even if the US dollar doesn't buy as much as it used to).
   
B3 ShirtSix Sets of DuckyButtons ($24 value). Pick any six sets you like, or create your own 5-button sets. DuckyButtons are sure to bring a smile to your face... or to anybody else's you meet when you wear them. And since you're getting 30 buttons, that's a month's worth of sweet wearable art to wear and share!
   
B3 ShirtTwenty-Five Custom-Made DuckyButtons with Your Design ($25 value). Email us any one design or photo you like, and we'll turn it into 25 beautiful custom buttons of your very own! Use them to promote your blog, impress your friends, or distribute wearable pictures of your cat... so long as it isn't copyrighted, we'll make buttons from whatever you want!
   
B3 ShirtThree Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($51 value). Yep, that's right, get any three shirts you like from the Artificial Duck Store... keep them for yourself, or give them out as gifts that will impress those lucky people you deem worthy of wearing them!
   
B3 ShirtWorld-Wide Shipping (up to $35 value). No matter where you live on planet earth, rest assured you won't have to pay a dime to claim your prize because shipping is included.

And that's not all, today you also have two other chances to win...

TODAY'S $40+ RUNNER-UP PRIZE DRAWING (TWO WINNERS!)...
   
Two Sets of DuckyButtons ($8 value). Your choice of two sets of super-sweet DuckyButtons in whatever designs you like... that's ten buttons to wear and share!
   
Fifteen Custom-Made DuckyButtons with Your Design ($15 value). Email us any one design or photo you like, and we'll turn it into 15 beautiful custom buttons of your very own!
   
One Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($17 value). Pick any shirt you like from the Artificial Duck Store, and be happy knowing that you'll be wearing a T-shirt that makes you at least 10% hotter the minute you put it on!
   
World-Wide Shipping (up to $12 value). Of course shipping is included, because that's the way I roll here.

AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you have to include answers to your choice of FOUR of the five questions listed below in order to qualify (sorry, but I'm trying to give a break to those who are regular contributors to Blogography).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: THURSDAY, APRIL 26th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, PICK FOUR of the five questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    • How many photos did I take when I visited Bryce Canyon in Utah?
    • Where was I born?
    • In which city did I enjoy the best shower I've ever had?
    • In which city's Hard Rock Cafe did I visit my 100th Hard Rock property?
    • On which musician's "floor" was my room when I stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel Chicago in November, 2004?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR TWO: 04/04-03/05
       
    Dave writes his most Googled blog entry ever.
    Dave lives here.
    Dave takes really cool photos from the air.
    Dave takes even cooler photos right here on earth.
    Dave flies to Dublin, Ireland so he can look at a book that's being made into a killer animated feature.
    Dave talks about his childhood, and shares a photo that Google-searching pedophiles will probably enjoy.
    Dave goes looking for Robin Hood, but gets cake instead.
    Dave live-blogs for the first time under less than ideal circumstances.
    Dave blogs a "Day in the Life" entry, and swears never to do it again because it's just too much work.
    Dave picks three guys he might go totally gay for.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV: DAY FOUR

    Posted on Thursday, April 26th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    Looks like there is going to be a slight change of plans for Blogiversary IV Week.

    Turns out that the T-shirt voting from the first contest has taken an interesting turn. One design has pulled way, way, way out ahead of the pack (for those of you who were wanting the "A Little Geeky" shirt printed, it looks like you're going to get your wish). The problem is picking a shirt for the #2 spot, because there are three shirts all within 5 votes of each other. This leaves me with a dilemma because with no clear runner-up winner, it's difficult to know which one should be printed...

    So I've decided to move tomorrows prizes to today, and change the final prize to be more T-shirts. By putting more money into shirts, I might get quantities that will allow me to add an additional design or two. As an added benefit, this means more people will win prizes. So I think it's a good solution all around. Anyway, back to tomorrow's today's prizes...

    Little Geeky Wins

    On occasion I receive emails asking me if any of my photos or DaveToons or drawings are available for sale as prints. I suppose I could have printed out stuff on my inkjet and sold it to them, but this seemed like a cheap rip-off to me. So I started searching for a way to have my stuff professionally printed with impeccable quality, yet be of reasonable cost. After a few months of research and buying test-prints, I finally found a solution...

    Dave Prints

    When the Artificial Duck Store reopens, I'll be selling a limited selection of quality Giclée Pro-Prints on a choice of fine art papers or premium photo satin matte. The brilliant inks used are pigment-based which ensures a long print life and quality reproduction. They really are quite nice, and look great when framed.

    I'll start with a few of my favorite photos, some DaveToons that have been optimized specifically for print, and add a couple of limited edition items. If people actually end up buying them, I'll be adding new prints from time to time.

    In celebration of this new addition to the store, today's contest will feature photo and print prizes...

    TODAY'S $225+ GRAND PRIZE DRAWING...
       
    B3 ShirtPolaroid A515 Digital Camera ($80 value). This digital camera may be pretty cheap-ass, but it does have 5 megapixels, 4X zoom, 16MB built-in storage, and a 1.7" LCD screen. That's good enough to snap a few photos of your kid, your dog, or whatever... which will come in handy when the next prize arrives...
       
    B3 ShirtA Flickr Pro Account Gift Membership ($25 value). Organize your photos online, then show them to the world with this one-year gift membership to Flickr. If you already have a Flickr account, this will extend your membership by a year.
       
    B3 ShirtTwo Giclée Pro-Prints from the Artificial Duck Store ($70 value). Decorate your life with a couple of classy prints designed by yours truly. These prints are both beautiful and versatile... Embellish your living room with a great photo. Put a DaveToon in your baby's room. Or even use your prints as a really expensive liner for your cat's litter box.
       
    B3 ShirtThree Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($51 value). Yep, that's right, get any three shirts you like from the Artificial Duck Store... keep them for yourself, or give them out as gifts that will impress those lucky people you deem worthy of wearing them!
       
    B3 ShirtWorld-Wide Shipping (up to $35 value). No matter where you live on planet earth, rest assured you won't have to pay a dime to claim your prize because shipping is included.

    And that's not all, today you also have two other chances to win...

    TODAY'S $52+ RUNNER-UP PRIZE DRAWING (TWO WINNERS!)...
       
    One Giclée Pro-Print from the Artificial Duck Store ($35 value).
       
    One Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($17 value). Pick any shirt you like from the Artificial Duck Store, and be happy knowing that you'll be wearing a T-shirt that makes you at least 10% hotter the minute you put it on!
       
    World-Wide Shipping (up to $12 value). Of course shipping is included, because that's the way I roll here.

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you have to include answers to your choice of FOUR of the five questions listed below in order to qualify (sorry, but I'm trying to give a break to those who are regular contributors to Blogography).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: FRIDAY, APRIL 27th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, PICK FOUR of the five questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    • When I become Pope, what famous Vatican landmark will I convert into my bedroom?
    • On my Blogography Dollar Index graph, which year from 2001-2005 was the US dollar at its highest value?
    • Name one of the three famous people I look like when I'm transformed into a Dead Hooker Baby.
    • In my super-sweet Collectible Card Game, what is Dave-Devil's Attack Power?
    • How did I die on my 40th birthday (it's on my tombstone!)?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR THREE: 04/05-03/06
       
    Dave makes his first (but certainly not last) bid to become Pope... and then contemplates his Papal super-powers.
    Dave gets a lot of hate-mail for this one... I guess comparing the US dollar to toilet paper is a bad thing.
    Dave learns how to peel a banana from a monkey.
    Dave creates DaveLand, the Daviest Place on Earth!
    Dave finally gets all political and shit.
    Dave still gets emails from crazy bitches over Dead Hooker Babies.
    Dave creates the entire universe (with the assistance of His Divine Monkey).
    Dave is tired of lame Collectible Card Games, and decides to create his own CCG.
    Dave fulfills his life-long dream to walk upon the Great Wall of China.
    Dave celebrates his 40th birthday... then dies and comes back to life as a zombie.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  48 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV… DAY FIVE!

    Posted on Friday, April 27th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    As I mentioned yesterday, votes for the second shirt design to be printed are really, really close (and if you haven't voted yet, you can still get your choices sent in by clicking here). With no clear victory for second place, I've decided to change this last day of prize drawings, and put the money into more shirt prizes. That way, I can get the order quantities high enough that I can print and extra design or two.

    So, in addition to the 5 FREE shirts I have for the T-shirt vote drawing, I'm adding another 25 FREE shirts for everybody who enters today's contest (all you have to do is pay the shipping costs!). That's 30 freebies total being given away for Blogiversary IV...

    Free Shirts!

    That's like uhhhhhh... $510 in shirts or something. This brings the total prizes for this year's blogiversary to over $1000, which is pretty sweet!

    $1000, Bitches!

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you now have to include correct answers to ALL SEVEN of the seven questions listed below in order to qualify (oooh! it's getting harder for you non-commenters!).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: SATURDAY, APRIL 28th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, this time you have to answer ALL SEVEN of the questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    1. What items might possibly shoot out of my ass as a result of PayPal being a giant scam?
    2. Who is the total whack-job that's a perfect 10 on my "Are You Insane?" diagnosis chart?
    3. Which super-hero did I become for Halloween one year?
    4. What will be located in the head of the gigantic statue monument I want to dedicate to myself?
    5. What color lightsabers do the monkeys attack me with in that dream I keep having?
    6. Which blogger did I run into, quite by surprise, at the Giant Glass Cube Apple Store?
    7. When the gays invaded Chicago, what did I imagine they would be armed with?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR FOUR: 04/06-03/07
       
    Dave discovers that PayPal sucks total ass because they stole his f#@%ing money!
    Dave reviews the most magical breakfast food ever: Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts!
    Dave creates his now-infamous alternatives for a hospital's lame "Pain Chart".
    Dave decides to write a line of books for dumbasses.
    Dave reveals his cross-dressing past.
    Dave decides to build a monument to his greatness.
    Dave has a dream.
    Dave writes that entry about bluetooth headsets that gets him a lot of hate-mail.
    Dave meets bloggers Eve and Dave3, then gets a shocking surprise on the streets of New York City.
    Dave finds out that the gays have invaded Chicago.

       

    Blogiversary IV: INTERLUDE!

    Posted on Saturday, April 28th, 2007

    Dave!Tonight the last of the Blogiversary IV contests are ending, so tomorrow I can take all the entries to somebody not affiliated with Blogography and have them draw the winners. That will bring the week-long celebration to a close, and I can move on to another year of big blogging fun.

    In the meanwhile, I am still trying to get the Artificial Duck Co. store ready for its grand re-opening on Monday afternoon. It's been a long-time coming, and a really difficult road to get here. I thought the hardships were over once I moved to Yahoo! Merchant Solutions, but it turns out my problems are just beginning.

    One of the major reasons I decided to go with Yahoo! was that they had inventory control. This was really important to me, because I didn't want people to order something that was out-of-stock and be disappointed when I had to tell them they wouldn't be getting it. With inventory control, I would finally have a way to let people know if they could order an item or not. I would use Yahoo! tags to access the inventory status of an item/size, then use the yes/no result to display a graphic to let people know if they could order a particular size...

    Duckavailability-1

    Except Yahoo! doesn't allow you to do that with their "store tags." In order for a customer to know whether or not something is in-stock, they have to add it to their cart. If it ends up in your cart, congratulations, you can order it! Otherwise you get this ugly stupid-ass error message...

    Yahooavailability

    What the fuck?!?

    What sense does it make to have inventory control if you can't tell your customers what the inventory level is BEFORE they add something to their cart? This is pretty stupid, and basically cuts the usefulness of this feature in half.

    So now I'm going to have to MANUALLY adjust the inventory indicators every time something changes, which sucks ass. Heaven forbid that I actually go on vacation or something.

    Why is it that somebody can't build a reasonably-priced merchant solution for small businesses that doesn't suck? Is it really so incredibly difficult? I can only hope that Google jumps into the game and fixes this shit like they seem to be doing with everything else.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 28

    Posted on Sunday, April 29th, 2007

    Dave!It's a very special Blogiversary IV edition of Bullet Sunday!

    Come back and read this after you skip down to see if you've won anything... I'll be waiting.

    Did you win? If you did, many congratulations! If you didn't, I'm sorry about that, and maybe you'll win one of the other events I've got planned for later in the year. And, just in case you're curious as to how the winners were chosen... I had nothing to do with it. I instead enlisted a friend who has no idea who the people were who entered (and doesn't even bother to read my blog in the first place). That way, the drawing is fair and impartial, and that's the only way to really run a contest. Here's how it went...

    1. I printed out a listing of all the emails addressed to each contest, cut them into strips, and placed the names in a plastic bag after counting to make sure everybody who entered was accounted for.
    2. The bags of names were taken to my friend, and I left to buy gas for my car. While I was gone, each bag of names were carefully dumped into a CD spindle cover, and the appropriate number of names were drawn. Each name was taped to a sheet of paper, in order, so I would know who won what.
    3. I went back to my friend's house to collect the winners.
    4. For the free T-shirt drawing, I wanted to maximize the number of winners, so one of the duplicates between Day 2 and Day 5 was removed and a new name was drawn.
    5. For the two major contest drawings, duplicates were allowed. This explains how Avitable (of all people) was able to win both a free shirt and a runner-up prize.
    6. I had lunch with my friend, then ran back home so I could post the winning names in this entry.
    7. After I'm done with this post, I'll be emailing the winners to give them the news.
    8. Tah-daaaaah! We're done!

    Duckopen

    Here are the winners for this year...

    • FIVE FREE SHIRTS... The five winners for voting on the shirts I'll be printing for this year's run are...

    1. Ladypuppy
    2. The Florida Librarian
    3. LeSombre
    4. Carlos H.
    5. Tracy Lynn
    Everybody else who voted will be getting a $10 certificate towards any shirt at the Artificial Duck Co. store when it goes online tomorrow afternoon.

    • TWENTY-FIVE FREE SHIRTS... The twenty-five winners for entering ShirtFest on Thursday are...

    1. Stephanie P.
    2. Tori S.
    3. Beth (F.H.)
    4. Ms. Sizzle
    5. The Chad
    6. Jill & Mittsy
    7. Harmonica Man (J.L.)
    8. Birdcolor
    9. Laurence
    10. Jacki D.
    11. Kilax
    12. Wade L.
    13. Avitable
    14. Kazza
    15. Delmer
    16. Jason W.
    17. Geeky Tai Tai
    18. Lynne S.
    19. Jespar S.
    20. Baak
    21. Frances Danger
    22. Peter R.
    23. Rick L.
    24. Dave H.
    25. Silvertongue

    • BUTTON CONTEST... Here are the winners for the Buttons Contest from Wednesday...
    Grand Prize Winner: Cynical Dad
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: ~jtm
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Kyle Ice

    • PRINTS CONTEST... Here are the winners for the Prints Contest from Thursday...
    Grand Prize Winner: Cavan T.
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Avitable
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Sven P.

    And that concludes Blogography's Blogiversary IV Celebration! Congratulations again to all the winners, and my most heart-felt thanks to all of you who keep reading Blogography... I wouldn't be doing this without you!

    Dave2

       

    Opening

    Posted on Monday, April 30th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: Well, crap. I turned on the store, everything looked great, but the first three orders couldn't process because of some kind of communication problem with my bank for verification of funds. Bleh. Everything will be just fine soon... very soon...

    In what can only be described as a miracle, the Artificial Duck Co. store is on-schedule for its grand opening tonight tomorrow.

    Probably pretty late tonight around noon tomorrow, as there are still some things that need to be tested.

    Getting to this point wasn't easy... I had no idea that setting up a "real" store for myself would be so hard. I've done it dozens of times for other people but, when it comes to making a store of your own, there's an unimaginable amount of work that has to happen. Honestly, it's too much work for something that's supposed to be just a hobby, but oh well. Soon it will all be over.

    The best part of setting up shop has been designing various features I want the store to have. Some things aren't working quite right on Internet Explorer (surprise, surprise), but the "Build-A-DuckyButton-Set" page seems to be working just fine. Creating the "About Us Page" was also loads of fun (assuming I don't get sued by Paramount!).

    By far the worst part of setting up shop has been the shipping charges. The US Postal Service is changing rates and eliminating services on May 14th, and so all of that has to be accounted for (since none of my orders will be shipping until early June). Shipping is always a tricky beast, because I want very much for what I charge to be accurate so I'm not ripping people off. I hate ordering a T-shirt on the internet and having shipping charges be $12 when I know the company is only going to pay $5. Rip-off! The problem is that if you goof up and accidentally charge too little, you stand to lose a horrendous amount of money very quickly. And it doesn't help that Yahoo!'s rate charts can't be calculated by shipping zone, which is kind of stupid because that's how all the carriers set their rates.

    But other than the shipping rates and the aforementioned lack of inventory display, Yahoo! hasn't been that bad to work with. I don't know if I will be able to afford to stay with them because their rates are so incredibly high, but I'll wait it out a few months before deciding what to do about that. It sure would be nice if Yahoo! would just take a straight percentage though. Rather than the $100/month + 1% I'm paying now, it would be a lot better for me if they just took 3% or even 5% so I wouldn't be hit so hard on months where I'm not selling much. I didn't build my store to make money, but it would be nice not to lose money.

    Anyway, it's been an adventure. Check in tomorrow when everything should be up-and-runnning (crossing my fingers) at Artificial Duck Co.!

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Complications

    Posted on Tuesday, May 1st, 2007

    Dave!Well this is fun.

    What was supposed to be such an easy task has turned into a complete nightmare. Despite having all my products chosen and graphics made, getting merchandise processed at the Artificial Duck Store has been far from easy. I've re-keyed all 136 items FOUR TIMES in an attempt to get everything working. The good news is that I've finally figured out what was going wrong, and know how to fix it. The bad news is that I have to re-enter everything a FIFTH time.

    Oh well, the shirts and DuckyButtons are up and running now, and I'll get to the prints and photos in the morning.

    For all of you who voted for shirts, I'll be sending out your coupons (with a nice bonus for making you wait!) later this evening. If you've already placed an order DON'T PANIC! Just let me know and I'll adjust the amount before you're charged.

    And oh yeah... we have four T-shirt winners this year!

    Shirt Winners!

    As far as votes go, "A Little Geeky" was far and away the winner. "Try Evil" was a firm second place. "Blogography" was ahead of "Try Evil" for a while, and then tied within 2 votes with "Bad Monkey." It was all very close, so I just decided to print them all. Mostly because I want to own all of them myself!

    A pity the stuff won't be arriving until early June, but I think it's all worth the wait!

    Anyway, thanks so much to everybody who helped me to celebrate Blogiversary IV this year... you are much appreciated! Here's looking forward to another year.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Moblogging

    Posted on Thursday, May 24th, 2007

    Dave!No internet again. I give up.

    Is there a dictionary out there for texting from a mobile phone, because this is taking forever? i nd 2 lrn 2 txt...

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blahhhhg!

    Posted on Thursday, May 31st, 2007

    Dave!Do you ever have those days when the last thing on earth you want to do is write in your blog?

    That's me today. Well, maybe it's not the last thing... I mean, I'd rather write in my blog than be kicked in the balls, for example. But it's definitely on my list of things I don't want to do today.

    Not that I actually have such a list but, if I did, it would probably look like this...

    THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY...

    1. Read a book by Ann Coulter.
    2. Watch The 700 Club.
    3. Die.
    4. Get kicked in the balls.
    5. Be trapped in an elevator playing Kenny G.
    6. Have diarrhea.
    7. Listen to politicians.
    8. Eat a salad.
    9. Argue.
    10. Be called for jury duty.
    11. Use a Windows PC.
    12. Go jogging.
    13. Talk to my lawyer.
    14. Pay bills.
    15. Think of something I don't want to do for #15 on my list of Things I Don't Want To Do Today.
    16. Smell cooked cauliflower.
    17. Read email.
    18. Go shopping.
    19. Scrub the toilet.
    20. Write in my blog.

    Yeah. That pretty much sums it up. Hopefully I will feel different tomorrow, otherwise I'll end up having to post naked pictures or something...

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Kapgar

    Posted on Monday, June 4th, 2007

    Dave!This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

    Not only do I have to pretend it's Monday, but I also have to pretend to write in somebody else's blog! Assuming that everything went as planned and I found somebody to post my entry, I'm filling in over at Kapgar today. But be forewarned, I used this as a shameless opportunity to draw up some DaveToons that I've never been brave enough to post in my own blog. Somehow it doesn't bother me to sink to new levels of tastelessness and debauchery on somebody else's blog though. I'm such a cheeky bastard.

    Click here to read it... if you dare.

       

    Future

    Posted on Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

    Dave!This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

    I've just written five entries (plus a guest-blogger entry!) to post while I am distracted from blogging for a bit, which means I've got two to go until I (hopefully) return to "live" daily blogging again next this Thursday. The problem is that I have nothing left to write about. Well, I probably do, but I've been future-blogging for almost two hours now and feel empty. Things become even more complicated when you consider how the world of next Tuesday might have changed since I wrote this entry (and how disappointing would it be if the planet explodes before this is even posted?).

    So I decided to make a list of nine cool things that could happen in the next five days before this entry posts. Why nine? Because it fits so nicely in a three-by-three grid...

    Dave to the Future!

    • DirecTV adds the Elizabeth Hurley Channel which runs her films, shows, and appearances 24/7.
    • Pat Robertson's hateful, idiotic ass is caught in a gay porn sex scandal and he is never seen again.
    • Steve Jobs announces that he is running for President of the United States of America.
    • Apple ships MacOS X Leopard four months early.
    • Somebody at Coca Cola Company realizes they were stupid, and brings back Coke with Lime.
    • Somebody at the WB Network realizes they were stupid, and un-cancels Veronica Mars.
    • Sony Pictures Home Entertainment announces that Jeremy Piven's Cupid is being released on DVD.
    • A wealthy Blogography fan puts me in their will, then dies leaving me ONE BILLION DOLLARS!
    • Flying cars! We finally get our f#@%ing flying cars!!

    Wow... can I just interject here to say that Kristen Bell and I would make a cute couple? She should totally date me!

    Anyway, now that I am done playing Nostradaveus, I suppose I should get to work on my (hopefully) final prerecorded entry. Heaven only knows what I will come up with to write... maybe I should just draw a DaveToon and be done with it? Though I just finished drawing four of them for Kapgar, so I don't know if I really feel like doing another one tonight.

    If only I could find those naked pictures, my problem would be solved...

       

    Speed

    Posted on Friday, June 8th, 2007

    Dave!

    Dave's Fast Wagon

       

    OMG! I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW TO BLOG!!

    But if that doesn't frighten you away, I ramble on for quite a bit in an extended entry...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

       

    Sympathy

    Posted on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

    Dave!I am about ready to cry.

    And I don't mean actually cry... like when you get kicked in the balls... or Veronica Mars gets canceled... or you have kidney stones or something. I'm talking about that fake sobbing you do when you want to garner sympathy-sex from your girlfriend or get a cookie from your grandmother. The kind of over-the-top weeping that kids do when things don't go their way.

    All because I'm feeling horrible and I'm exhausted and I just had to drive 2-1/2 hours home.

    And now I have to write in my blog.

    But I don't feel like writing in my blog, so I'm thinking if I cry everybody will feel sorry for me and either offer me sympathy-sex or a cookie. And that would be better than everybody being mad at me because I don't feel like writing anything tonight.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Puppy

    Posted on Friday, June 22nd, 2007

    Dave!As most Blogography readers have probably already heard, our own "New York City's Watchdog" has shared the unbelievably sad news that he has lost his five-year-old son (known to Cereal Wednesday fans as "Puppy Monster") in a tragic accident.

    At times like this, I truly am at a loss for words. Watchdog is a part of our "blogging family," and my heart goes out to him and his family at this unimaginably difficult time.

    Watchdog and Puppy Monster

    If you'd like to help out, Avitable has set up a donations page via PayPal. If you can't afford to donate, please consider leaving a note of support over at Watchdog's site. I'm sure it will be much appreciated, so thanks in advance for whatever you can do.

    All our thoughts are with you, Watchdog.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  0 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Proud

    Posted on Wednesday, July 4th, 2007

    Dave!It's always difficult for me to come up with something to say on Independence Day. Mostly because one of my favorite Blogography entries is from the 4th of July two years ago. I think it pretty much sums up how I feel about freedom, liberty and all that other cool stuff America is supposed to stand for. The entry also has diarrhea and puking in it, which is always fun.

    And speaking of fun, I swear this holiday gets more redneck every year...

    Proud American

    "Let's get drunk and blow shit up" could one day take the place of "In God we trust" as the USA's national motto (if it hasn't already).

    But, of course, we can't forget the flaming balls...

    Flaming Balls

    Something else all too typically American here is that "Proud American" is proudly made... in China.

    Wow am I exhausted.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Chicagoan

    Posted on Friday, July 6th, 2007

    Dave!It's positively frightening how dead the blogosphere has been today.

    I can only guess that everybody is on extended holiday from Independence Day, and/or just doesn't feel like blogging now that summer has arrived. Not that I can blame them. The weather here has been incredible lately (92° with clear blue skies) and, if I didn't have work to get done and T-shirts to ship, I'd probably be ditching my blog and out there enjoying it as well.

    But I kind of have to blog today because... ooh... ooh... ooh! There's a date for the Chicago blogger meet now...

    Davecago2

    Dave Travel 2007

    Mark your calendars for August 25th! Last year in Chicago was a total blast and was attended by a number of notable bloggers, including...

    And, of course, ME from right here at Blogography.

    This year promises to be equally sweet, and the location will be picked out once we all have an idea how many people will be showing up. An early favorite is the remarkable Pizano's Pizza on E. Madison in The Loop. They, of course, have a fantastic award-winning Chicago Deep Dish pizza, but it's their crispy buttercrust pizza that's the cat's meow.

    Oh great, now I'm going to fall asleep with Pizano Pizza buttercrust fantasies in my head.

    Home-delivered by Elizabeth Hurley, of course.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Lameness

    Posted on Wednesday, July 18th, 2007

    Dave!So there I was, waking up after a good night's sleep* so I could check my email, when Harry Potter dropped by for an unwelcome visit.

    The very first email I opened was sent to my Blogography address, and had a subject line of "Hard Rock Cafe Hong Kong." Thinking that somebody had news of yet another unfortunate cafe closing, I opened it up only to find that is was a photo collage of pages from a book with notes scrawled above them. But not just any book, it was Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, the final book in the series (not yet released).

    This was completely baffling. From appearances, the person sending the photo had fully intended to spoil the book for me. They knew me. They knew I like the Hard Rock Cafe. And they used an email subject they knew I was likely to open. About the only thing they didn't know is that I don't care about Harry Potter, and have read only the first book, part of the second, and made it through the third only by skipping large chunks of it. So seeing all these spoilers meant nothing. The sender's address looked disposable, so I didn't even bother replying.

    A couple of emails later, and it's a comment notification for my blog... that turns out to be nothing more than a dozen Harry Potter spoilers typed out in ALL-CAPS (left anonymously, of course).

    WTF?!?

    Why would anybody work so hard to ruin a book that I'm not even interested in? I can only assume that I am not alone, and soon the entire internet will be plagued by juvenile assholes with nothing better to do than try to ruin the ending of the book for people. I just wish that I could figure out what in the heck they have to gain from this. If making other people unhappy is their incentive, that's pretty frakin' lame.

    Sleepy Dave Teddy

    *Last night I adopted drastic measures so I could finally get some sleep... PILLS! Two sleeping pills, a melatonin, and a Midnite, all combined into a sleep cocktail that managed to knock me out for an entire seven hours. I worry about trying this kind of thing too often, but it's nice to know I can get some drug-induced rest from time to time.

    And now, before I go, why not head on over to NYC Watchdog's Cereal Wednesday... not only is he one of the best-dressed vloggers out there, but you could win a box of Krusty-O's cereal!

    Categories: Blogging 2007, BooksClick To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Doom!

    Posted on Saturday, July 21st, 2007

    Dave!Today I'm packing up my undead monkey and heading over to Geeks of Doom to review the movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry starring Kevin James and Adam Sandler (a direct link to the review is here). This is a pre-cursor to my becoming a columnist there in mid-August, after an invitation by site-runners (and my good blogging buddies) Empress Eve and Dave3.

    For those of you not familiar with "Geeks of Doom," it is the group blog formerly known as "GeekZine," which quickly became one of my favorite news sites because it's packed with geeky goodness on comics, television, movies, and pop culture. With the transition to Geeks of Doom now complete, it's an essential daily read for me, and I'm honored to be writing for the site...

    Geeks of Doom!

    I've been presented with more than a few offers to write and draw for other blogs and websites, but have always turned them down... even when they were going to pay me. I just never felt that there was anything I wanted to say outside of Blogography. But this opportunity proved entirely too tempting, and the idea of working with Eve and Dave was something I just couldn't pass up.

    I'll be sure to mention when I have an entry up in case anybody is interested... or you can head over to Geeks of Doom and subscribe to their webfeed. The information contained within may very well save your life*

       

    *In the event of zombie invasion or other geek-related disaster.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  8 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Chmeet

    Posted on Friday, August 10th, 2007

    Dave!In a mere two weeks, I'll be in Chicago for big-time fun and excitement, culminating in Saturday's blogger meet-up in the city on the 25th. Just like last year, the guest list is packed with a great bunch of people, and good times are sure to ensue!

    Right now, we are planning to meet for dinner at Pizano's on Madison, in The Loop. But before we can make reservations, we need a head-count. If you are able to attend, please email me so I can call up and make reservations next week. Even if you've already told me you're coming, It would be great to have confirmation that your plans haven't changed.

    Davecago2

    Last year, dinner was just the beginning, and the festivities continued on into the night, as we just couldn't get enough of each other. Talking with people who "get" blogging is a treat, and I cannot wait to hang out with everybody again this year. Hope you can make it!

    In other news, I've finally given up waiting for the mailing tubes to ever arrive for mailing out Artificial Duck Co. print and photo orders. I've done some test-mailings in boxes, and everything has arrived in great shape, so I'm just going to start mailing them out that way. This kind of makes me feel bad, because $5 of the price for the prints was to accommodate the cost of the tube and additional mailing charges. Now that I'm not using them, I've overcharged everybody by $5. To make up for it, there will be some extra goodies sent along with the orders. Again, thanks so much to everybody for their patience while I got this all sorted out!

    Artificial Duck Painting
    Cover of the Artificial Duck Co. Print and Photo User Guide Booklet.

    And now, it's time to get ready to head back to the coast for the weekend...

       

    Upgrade

    Posted on Wednesday, August 15th, 2007

    Dave!Things may be a little strange around here for a few days. I am upgrading Blogography to Movable Type 4.0, and it will take some time for all the templates and stuff to be transitioned to the new format.

    The decision to upgrade something that ain't broken is always a difficult one, but I need to start learning the new system in anticipation of clients who ask me to work with it. I had thought about creating a test-blog, but ultimately decided to just forge ahead with this one. Your motivation for learning something new is considerably higher if you have something at stake...

    Upgrading

    Here's hoping that I don't totally f#@% things up, because I don't have a lot of time before I have to leave again.

    Say a prayer to the blog gods, because here I go...

    UPDATE: Okay... who didn't say their prayers! Things are so f#@%ed up that you'd swear I had planned this crap. Not only won't anything publish properly, but MT4 is balls-slow. As in agonizingly balls-slow.

    UPDATE: Oh shit! Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!!

    UPDATE: Hmmm... uhhh... comments are working again. Notifications are slow, slow, slow to arrive though... much like everything else.

    UPDATE: I kinda think that everything is working properly now. I had hoped to upgrade my templates to use some of the new MT4 features, but Movable Type's weak link has reared its ugly head once again... crappy documentation. You look up a tag that you want to use, and are presented with the bare minimum of information. No examples. No external references. Nothing. I would attempt to dissect the default templates to see how things work, but when you upgrade an existing installation (even to a clean directory), the default templates go missing. Any attempt to add a new template and copy over the defaults manually is defeated by missing links and modules that I can't seem to locate. Maybe when I have more time, I'll try again... but holy crap! This is VERSION 4 and there's STILL no frakin' documentation!! WTF? What good are new features if nobody can find out how to use them? Movable Type could be the greatest application in the universe, and it wouldn't mean shit because without good docs, who is going to want to work with it?

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  41 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Callers

    Posted on Friday, August 24th, 2007

    Dave!Bee-Boop!

    It's a sound I remember well. A sound I loathe with every fiber of my being. A sound I thought that I had eliminated from my life forever.

    Bee-Boop!

    It's that annoying sound that a Motorola mobile phone makes when the battery is running low. Last night some dumbass in the room next to mine left his dying phone behind while he was away. I can only imagine that he was out banging some crack whore, and didn't want the inconvenience of having his wife call while he's acquiring his latest STD (why else leave your mobile behind?).

    Bee-Boop!

    Meanwhile, I had to try and work while that stupid mobile phone kept begging for somebody to charge it. Eventually I cranked up my iPod so I wouldn't hear it, but that's not the way I work best. I need silence.

    Bee-Boop!

    The owner eventually returned around 10:40pm... but waited an agonizing ten minutes before plugging-in his phone (sorry buddy, but washing your dick in the sink is no substitute for a shot of penicillin). Silence was mine at last, and I started in on my work once again, confident that my troubles were over.

    I would be wrong, of course.

    Around 1:30am I was beyond tired and decided to finally drop into bed. I took a couple of sleeping pills, hoping that I might be able to sleep-in late and get a full eight hours rest for once. Heaven only knows I need it after a week of not getting much sleep at all.

    But the phone rang at 7:00am, waking me from a dead-sleep...

    Dave Fans?

    Since they hung-up on me, I'll now take a minute to respond...

    Dear Anonymous Blogography Fan Callers,
       
    Thank you so much for your phone call bright and early this morning at 7:00am! I cannot help but be touched. It's people like you who make my blogging experience all the more satisfying and worthwhile. By taking the time to let me know just how much you care, I'm even more inspired to keep writing in my blog. Your enthusiasm and kind words are a beacon of light in the darkness of my existence, and I am ever so grateful to you for sharing your feelings with me!
       
    Love You!
    Dave2

    And one more thing before I forget...

    Note to Self

    After napping for a couple more hours, I had to go out most of the day for work. Around 2:00 it was scorching, and I decided to take a break from the heat. I bought a bottle of Vitamin Water and took a seat in front of an office building where they were kind enough to put benches around a large planter. While I was sitting there, I looked down and noticed a small worm struggling on the hot sidewalk. It had rained earlier, which probably drew him out of hiding, but now all the moisture had evaporated leaving him high and dry. I was pretty sure the little guy was a goner, but I kicked him aside, picked him up, then set him in the planter under the shade of some greenery. Maybe he would get lucky and recover.

    A woman sitting two seats away from me was talking on her mobile phone loud enough for me to overhear her disgust as she said "Gross! Some guy just picked a WORM up off the STREET!!" I immediately turned towards her and said "Don't worry, if you were to collapse dying on the sidewalk right now, I wouldn't lift a finger to help YOU out."

    Then I walked away mad at myself because I knew that I undoubtedly would help the bitch if she collapsed on the sidewalk.

    But I'd "accidentally" step on her mobile phone and smash it into a million pieces while I was trying to save her hater ass. Karma, and all that...

       

    Wesley

    Posted on Saturday, August 25th, 2007

    Dave!Two of the hotel spiders have disappeared, leaving me with one sole window-mate remaining. At first I thought that he might be dead, but then I saw him wandering around his web and upgraded his condition from "dead" to "feisty zombie." He's out for blood alright, and it's only a sheet of double-paned glass that separates him from mine.

    From a distance, Wesley (that's what I named him) is a fairly innocent-looking creature. He's small (less than an inch in length) and could even be considered "cute" if you can get past the fact that he'd gladly kill you if he had a bit more size on him. But when you put your camera on super-zoom, Wesley looks pretty terrifying...

    Wesley Spider

    He's not somebody I'd like to have as a house-guest, that's for sure.

    Anyway, I'm all ready for Davecago2 tonight, and am really looking forward to seeing everybody...

    Ready for Davecago

    UPDATE: Well, I was planning on posting about the event tonight, but it's past midnight and I have to be up at 5:00am... so I guess my Davecago wrap-up will have to wait for another day. Suffice to say that it was big-fun, as always, and a big thanks to everybody who made the trip!

       

    L.A.

    Posted on Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

    Dave!Today has been a much better experience than yesterday. Instead of wanting to shoot people in the face, I merely want to break their knee-caps or give them a wedgie or something. Of course, I'm blogging early, and so there's plenty of room for massive trauma to strike before the day is done.

    That probably sounds pessimistic, but I prefer to think of it as realistic. And THAT probably sounds defeatist, but I prefer to think of it as not setting myself up for disappointment.

    In other news... it is SO on, bitches!

    Dave L.A.

    I don't know where or what time yet (suggestions welcome!), but I will be working in La La Land during the week and totally ready to meet on Saturday for big fun and excitement. So if you think you'd like to come hang out with swell bloggers and have a bite to eat, please email me at dave@blogography.com so we can get a head-count and I can make name-lanyards and reservations and stuff. Hope you can make it!

    I haven't asked Paris if she'll be able to attend yet (she's working on both a new album and a new book), but I've got my fingers crossed...

    I totally love Paris!
    Lil' Dave is totally not wearing panties in this shot...

    Next up will be Orlando, hopefully in October, but I haven't planned my schedule that far out. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow.

       

    Avitablog

    Posted on Thursday, September 27th, 2007

    Dave!Okay... okay... okay...

    For far too long I've been promising to write about the trip that Bad Robert and I took to Las Vegas a few years back. Well, since I don't have anything else to blog about today, I'm finally going to spill the beans. It's a tale filled with adventure... alcohol... gambling... women... Madonna... and even a little magic. It's the story of how two guys from the sticks, wide-eyed and innocent, took a journey to Sin City that would change their lives forever. Nothing could prepare me for the things I'd see and experience in Vegas, especially once I... I... I...

    Hey, wait a minute... why does it feel as though I've already blogged today?

    Oh... I did already blog today...

    Avitable Guest

    Avitable is taking a week off, so I filled in over at his place.

    I guess I'll save my Las Vegas story for another day.

    UPDATE: Holy crap! Illeana Douglas has joined the cast of Ugly Betty! Just when I think this show can't get ay better...

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    DaveAir

    Posted on Monday, October 8th, 2007

    Dave!Today was a totally miserable day, and I don't really feel like blogging.

    Except I just can't help myself.

    Probably because tomorrow promises to be even worse, but more likely because there's nothing good on television Mondays at 9:00. Once I've watched Chuck and How I Met Your Mother, it's game over.

    Today on my way to work I stopped at the mini-mart so I could grab an orange juice. While I was deciding if I wanted pulp or no pulp, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. "Is Candice there" the guy asked. "Nope, you've got the wrong number" I replied. "When she gets back can you tell her I called?" he said. "You've got the wrong number... there's no Candice here!" I repeated. "Shit!" the guy says "she wrong-numbered me!" Not knowing what else to say, I mumble "yeah, that's a tough break... bye!" and hang up.

    Five minutes later, iPhone rings again from the same number. "Dude, there's no Candice here!" I say immediately. "Yeah, I just thought I'd check and make sure I didn't mess up" the guy says. "She must have been pretty special," I offer sympathetically. "Yeah, I thought so... sorry to bother you" he replies awkwardly as he hangs up.

    Is it really so hard to just put the poor bastard out of his misery rather than get his hopes up like that?

    Relationship head-games are the worst.

    And now, before I go, is there anybody out there with a couple billion dollars burning a hole in their pocket? I'm looking for financing to create my own airline. The schedules out of Seattle are not at all convenient for me, and I'm tired of having to take that horrifying 6:00am flight out of Wenatchee to make a connection. On top of that, the planes would look totally bitchin'...

    And, as if that weren't enough... you get wider seats, more legroom, in-flight internet, and free chocolate pudding on every flight! Life is better with DaveAir!

       

    Confessions

    Posted on Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

    Dave!Ooh! Look at me! I'm blogging on my lunch break!

    It seems everywhere I go, bloggers are making confessions. Kevin confesses to murder. Vahid confesses he has no idea what's going on in Burma. Dustin confesses his secret longing for a Mac. Amanda confesses she didn't have the brain she thought she did. Foo Diddy confesses she can't whistle or chew gum. And Ms. Sizzle confesses her undying love for me (though, to be honest, you really have to read between the lines on that one).

    It's all a little intimidating, and I feel I really should be confessing something too.

    So here we go...

    I totally want to go to a Spice Girls concert on their new world tour...

    Dave Spice... GIRL POWER!
    Dave Spice says GIRL POWER!! Zigazig ha!

    Don't ask me why, because even I don't know.

    All I do know is that if I could get tickets and if I could squeeze it into my schedule, I would SO be there.

    And in non-confessional news... thanks to everybody for their nice comments on my vlog entry yesterday. For anybody who's curious, here's a Vlogging FAQ...

    • The entire video was unscripted and, with one exception, each scene was done in one take.
    • The exception was the answer to "Who I would most like to beat with a baseball bat." It was originally several minutes long, because I felt compelled to give examples of why these people were so horrible. On the second take I eliminated my examples, but almost got caught up in the moment and started ranting about why Jared Fogle is a total douche. That's why there's that pause before I say "...is not cool."
    • Everything was recorded on my MacBook Pro's built in microphone and iSight camera using iMovie 06 (the newer iMovie 08 sucks monumental ass, and I am really pissed at Apple for taking a great program and making it crappy).
    • The graphics were done in Apple's Keynote software. I remain puzzled as to why sometimes the cool special effects exported to the movie and other times they did not. I guess it's a bug.
    • The song I was singing while eating my Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal is the theme song from New York City's Watchdog's Cereal Wednesdays.
    • Along with my fear of blood, I also have a fear of needles, making a career as a doctor a bit dicey.
    • Now that I think about it, I probably would be afraid of a snake if it were biting me.
    • I should have mentioned that Samantha Brown's latest travel series, Passport to Latin America, begins October 28th. I haven't been to Latin America yet so, needless to say, I am really looking forward to it. More details are available at the Travel Channel website.
    • When I was recording the video, I struggled to keep it under 10 minutes so I could post it to YouTube. When I ended up going 30 seconds over the limit I was going to cut the shower scene, but found out Google Video allows movies to be over 10 minutes.
    • Yes, dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower was staged. If I didn't do it, I would have had to sing the rest of Madonna's Like A Virgin, and I don't think anybody wants that. Especially me.
    • On top of that, the scene was an homage to a DaveToon I really like. It's also a reference to my trip to Vegas with Bad Robert... but you'll have to wait for my book to read about that one.
    • My vlog entry took more time than any other entry I've ever done... over an hour to make the graphics and film the scenes... so it's not something I will be doing very often.

    And lastly, before I forget, everybody needs to go vote for Obi-Steven over at Kimberly's blog. I'd ask you to vote that she gets a web-feed as well, but I can't find a place to vote for that.

       

    Stalker

    Posted on Thursday, October 18th, 2007

    Dave!

    DaveStalker Button!

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 53

    Posted on Sunday, October 21st, 2007

    Dave!So this would be the start of Bullet Sunday: Year Two. And this week I'm posting the bullets from my iPhone! Still don't know how to do images for iPhone entries though. I'll have to look into that one of these days.

    • Seattle... In addition to the Seahawks win today, I was pleasantly surprised to find that more people than expected are interested in an early dinner blogger-meet in Seattle next Sunday. I will send out an email with more details soon, and look forward to seeing everybody!

    • Blogography... When I first thought of using "Blogography" as the name of my "new" blog back in March of 2002, a Google search returned no results for the word. So I bought the domain and, after a few false starts, the rest is history. Now a Google search shows that there are dozens (if not hundreds) of sites on the web named "Blogography." This doesn't bother me at all, because it only makes my internet identity stronger as more and more people become familiar with the term (it's like free advertising!). This is all fine and good until one of these other "Blogography" sites starts ranting about how my blog is stealing their traffic. This had me starting to feel all sympathetic... until I noticed that their blog was only three months old. Jeez, buddy. Come up with something unique, and maybe you wouldn't have this problem.

    • Stalked... I'm having fun updating my Twitter and Flickr feeds throughout the day. It isn't nearly as time consuming as I had expected, because I am usually sending stuff at times where I have nothing better to do anyway... like sitting at a stoplight or talking on the phone or whatever. Anybody who wants to follow along with my daily insanity can do so on my DaveStalker™ Page. Later in the week I've got some traveling going on, so it should prove interesting to see how the updates go then.

    • iPhone... Still totally in love with my iPhone after all these weeks. I use it constantly, and am amazed that I am still finding things I didn't know (Image Capture, which comes with MacOS X, will offload iPhone images!) and things I didn't think I could do (you can use iPhone functions, like notepad, while talking to somebody over speakerphone!). It's just ridiculously cool. And yet... I still have two things that bother me: the crappy camera (unless lighting is absolutely perfect, your images will look awful because there's no way to adjust exposure that I can find) and lack of GPS (how much sweeter would Google Maps be if it knew where you were?). Hopefully Apple will be addressing these points in future-models.

    • Buttons... Tim informed me Friday that the replacement part for our button machine arrived, so anybody with buttons on back-order with the Artficial Duck Store should have them by the end of the week! At last!

    Hmmm... Sunday Bullets are kind of boring without pictures.

       

    Avitableween

    Posted on Sunday, October 28th, 2007

    Dave!Now THAT was a party!

    When I first received Avitable's invitation to his annual Halloween party, I knew I wanted to go... I just didn't know how I was going to work it into my schedule. But where there's a will, there's a way, and I managed to get everything moved around so I could fly down to Orlando for a single day(!) and attend.

    Boy was it worth it. Dozens of people showed up, and Adam went all-out... transforming his entire home into a zombie-infested house of horrors. What was remarkable is the sheer amount of detail that went into the planning of it. So many little touches that made the entire experience perfect...

    Avitableween

    I'm giving all my photos to Avitable so he can post them (it's his party, after all), but thought I'd share some images of your's truly from the event. The costume I made was of "Holovirus-Insane Rimmer" from the brilliant British series Red Dwarf. It's one of my favorite shows ever, and this character was featured in one of my favorite episodes ever. And, as if that wasn't enough, it's got Mr. Flibble, the psychotically evil penguin hand-puppet in it...

    Dave and Mr. Flibble

    The idea was that the geekier people at the party would recognize my character and get a laugh out of it... but even people who had no idea what Red Dwarf was would find it funny as well (but for an entirely different reason). Here's me and Avitable...

    Avitable and Dave

    And me and Marilyn Monroe Miss Britt...

    Dave and Ms. Britt

    And me with an anatomically scary Mr. Fab (Mr. Flibble was hypnotized by his piece!)...

    Dave and Mr. Fab!

    A big thanks to Avitable for the invite and for throwing such a fantastic Halloween bash!

    Avitable's Halloween Bash!

    And now I really should take a nap before I have to go to the airport in four hours. Later today there's a blogger meet in Seattle.

    Hmmmm... looks like I'll be blog-partying from coast to coast today.

       

    Daveattle

    Posted on Monday, October 29th, 2007

    Dave!It seems strange that I've attended several blogger meets around the country but have somehow managed to overlook the major metropolitan city right here in my back yard... SEATTLE!

    Well, last night that was finally rectified as the very first Daveattle Blogger Meet-Up was held. Unfortunately, it was kind of last-minute and had to happen on a Sunday, but people were kind enough to show up anyway...

    Daveattle Lanyard

    It was a great group of bloggers and a fun meet...

    Dinner was most excellent at Capitol Hill's Elysian Brewing Company...

    Daveattle Crowd
    Sizzle, Me, Rick, Kristin, Rick's wife Julie, Tracy, and Tracy's friend Holly

    Thanks again to everybody who took time out of their weekend to hang-out with me, and I hope we can do it again next summer!

    Meanwhile, on the television front...

    This was my last episode of Chuck. How in the hell could such a brilliant concept be so utterly and totally ruined so quickly? I am so f#@%ing tired of Chuck being such a whiny little bitch ALL THE TIME. He has two modes... 1) scared and 2) nervous... and I am sick to death of them both. When a series called "Chuck" would be a better show without Chuck, what's the point?

    Back to work...

       

    Nothing

    Posted on Saturday, December 8th, 2007

    Dave!What... what's happening? I have nothing to blog about. N-O-T-H-I-N-G! This almost never happens. If I were smart, I'd have a few entries in reserve for just such an occasion but, since I like to blog fresh daily, this is not an option. I suppose that I could just ramble on about how I had to work all day... then change my travel plans because I didn't get everything done... then ate a frozen pizza for dinner and watched Graham Norton before working again... but who wants to read that?

    About the only interesting thing that happened was that I drew up some produce for a project this morning...

    Dave Salad

    Oh, and I also saw a UFO zoom across the sky on my way home from work. A pity I wasn't abducted or anything, because that would have at least given me something to blog about.

    Now I'm depressed at the thought that I might actually have been abducted, but the space aliens wiped my memories of it before returning me to earth.

    Unless I was anally probed, in which case I'm thankful to have forgotten the incident.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Netless

    Posted on Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

    Dave!Okay... so I get home, sit down to write my daily entry, and there's no internet! Bleh. Oh well... I guess I really was too tired to blog tonight anyway.

    Thank heavens for iPhone, or I'd be internetless and crazy.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  4 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Therapy

    Posted on Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

    Dave!Why is it that everywhere I go, the weather turns uncharacteristically cold?

    Just one day after Belinda was lamenting the terrible heat in Orlando, I arrive and it's so cold that I'm having to wear a jacket. Now I arrive in San Francisco, where the weather is generally mild this time of year, and it's so cold that I'm wearing a sweatshirt plus a coat and gloves! Harsh! If I were back home, cold temperatures would be normal and I could deal with it... but here? It's a little more than depressing.

    Much like having your suitcase miss your connecting flight.

    But things like this are really to be expected on one of the busiest travel day of the year, so I'm not bitter.

    No, my bitterness comes from my flight out of Spokane this morning as I listen to the man in the row behind me talking to the woman he is sitting next to...

    SCARY MAN: Do you frighten easily?
       
    WOMAN: Uhhhh... no. Why? Is there something that's going to frighten me?
       
    SCARY MAN: I just want to let you know that the next noise you hear may sound like a wild boar sneaking up behind you, but it's not. So don't be frightened when you hear it...
       
    • • • SCARY MAN CUTS LOOSE WITH A MASSIVE, TOTAL PANTS-RIPPING FART • • •
       
    WOMAN: Oh my gawd!!
       
    SCARY MAN: See, no wild boars! You're safe!

    I mean... seriously... what the hell?

    It's very rare that I'm at a loss for words, but this is one of those moments. I was half-way considering turning around and saying "Do YOU frighten easily? Because the next noise YOU hear may sound like a foot being broken off in your stupid ass which, I assure you, it most certainly is."

    Some people just shouldn't be allowed to mingle with the general populace.

    And by "some people" I actually mean "most people."

    Anyway... after finishing up some work, I had a perfectly wonderful dinner with Dan from Therapy Beckons and his lovely girlfriend here in the city. Just the thing I needed to help me forget about cold weather, airplane farts, lost luggage, Britney Spears' child custody battle, and the George W. Bush presidency.

    Well, not really... but 4 out of 5 ain't bad.

       

    Nuthin’

    Posted on Wednesday, December 26th, 2007

    Dave!

    Nuthin'

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 86

    Posted on Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

    Dave!It's a very sad Bullet Sunday, as I just learned George Carlin has died.

    • Broked. Sorry about the missing images from Friday's entry. I don't quite know what happened, but I'll look into it when I get off work on Monday.

    • Daveattle. You might have noticed that I've added some new people to the "Bloggers I've Met" in my sidebar. That's because last night was Daveattle 2! I was ever so grateful that a terrific group of bloggers showed up to eat, drink, and chat... a good time was had by all...

    • Evidence. It's always a good idea to bring a camera to these things, because you just never know when blackmail-worthy material is going to pop up. Not pictured is Bryan, who managed to avoid the cameras (which is pretty much what you have to do when you're wanted for murders in three states)...

    Daveattle Photographs
    The reason they all look so happy is because they're drunk.

    Daveattle Photographs
    Or maybe because Kristin brought fun prizes!

    Daveattle Photographs
    Dustin and Sizzle being sneaky.

    Daveattle Photographs
    Vahid and Sizzle strike a pose while The Fella serenades them.

    Daveattle Photographs
    Matt and Dustin agonize over trying to operate their tiny cameras.

    Daveattle Photographs
    Tracy gives Chris a prison tattoo, apparently making him her bitch.

    Daveattle Photographs
    A scary buffalo head at Linda's Tavern.

    Daveattle Photographs
    Kristin sharpening a knife so she can remove The Fella's spleen.

    • Sleepytime. And that about wraps it up! Thanks to everybody who took time our of their valuable weekend to hang out, and I hope to see everybody again soon!

       

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