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Posted on Wednesday, May 6th, 2015

Dave!Oh good Lord.

STOP GIVING THE WACHOWSKIS MONEY TO MAKE SHITTY FILMS! Everything since The Matrix has been utter crap, and Jupiter Ascending is no different. Granted, it's one of the most beautiful disasters I've ever seen, but... the time we get to the genetically-spliced human-slash-elephant spaceship pilot trumpeting before engaging thrusters, I found myself longing for the good ol' days of George Lucas burp and fart jokes.

It's just that bad...

Jupiter Ascending Poster

And yet... as I said, this is one gorgeous film. The art direction, design, and special effects are stunning.

A shame it was all wasted on such a convoluted pile of shit.

Mila Kunis, the most beautiful toilet-scrubbing maid ever, discovers that she's the genetic inheritor of the entire earth after aliens try to kill her. Luckily Channing Tatum (a half-dog-slash-half-man space warrior) drops in on his magical flying boots to save her. Then we get dragged from pretty action sequence to pretty action sequence while investigating such thrilling concepts as "bureaucracy" and "rules of succession."

The only bright spots in this heinous mess outside of the visuals are Mila Kunis (obviously) and a welcome appearance by Sean Bean as a half-honey-bee-half-man space warrior (yes, really).

Oh well.

Guess I'll go rekindle my faith in sci-fi cinema by watching The Fifth Element for the hundredth time.

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Categories: Movies 2015Click To It: Permalink


  1. kyle says:

    where were you a week ago – i watched this on the plane to seattle. i would have preferred to spend the entire flight in the baggage hold.

    what a piece of dreck.

    oh, and you forgot that channing was really some sort of dog meets man meets bird?! What. the. fuck.

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