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Phoney

Posted on Thursday, June 16th, 2011

Dave!So the reviews are in and Green Lantern sucks. Crap. I was really looking forward to it.

Almost as much as I'm not looking forward to buying new headphones to replace my recently trashed pair of earbuds.

Which brings us to the top three things I most hate to buy...

  • Cars. This is a pretty obvious answer. Everybody hates buying a new car, mostly because it's so damn expensive. And no matter how much research you do and no matter how good a deal you think you've negotiated, you always end up feeling like you got screwed. And you probably did. One company which did things a little differently was Saturn, where the price was fixed. I was so thrilled at the prospect of not having to negotiate with a car salesman that I actually ended up buying one of Saturn's piece-of-shit cars, so that should tell you just how much I hate car shopping.
  • Condoms. Like this is any big surprise. Not only do I never seem to have any clue which of the fifty million varieties of condoms I should buy, I then have to pay for them. Which usually involves an awkward exchange with a girl half my age at the check-out register where the very act of buying them seems to scream "Yeah, I'm buying condoms! Wanna have sex with me?" At which point I feel I should let her know that I'm not inappropriately asking her for sex... usually by explaining that the condoms are for my cat.*
  • Headphones. Some people say televisions are the most difficult electronics appliance to purchase. These people are insane. Or they've never had to buy headphones before. Because absolutely nothing is more subjective than people's opinion on whether a given pair of headphones are worth a crap. Sorting through headphone reviews is futile, because everybody listens to different music and everybody has an opinion as to how it should sound. One person says there's no bass... another person says the bass is too heavy. One person says they're the most comfortable headphones they've ever tried... another person says they're so horribly uncomfortable that they can't wear them for more than 10 minutes without pain. One person says they are worth every penny... another person says they are way overpriced and you'd get better value elsewhere. And so on. There's never a consensus, and I hate that. I hate it so much that I usually just buy the cheapest headphones I can find. That way, even if I hate them, at least I didn't blow a lot of money. The down-side is that all my music sounds like shit.

So I guess my nightmare scenario would be having to prepare for a night of protected sex in the back seat of my new car while listening to music in my new headphones.

But how often does that happen?

Not nearly often enough.

   
* Hey, it could be true**... according to Debbie Downer, feline AIDS is the number one killer of domestic cats!

** Except for the fact that I don't have a cat.

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Categories: DaveLife 2011Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. You could be buying condoms AND toilet paper at the same time. We all know how much you love buying TP.

  2. Erin says:

    The first two I don’t have to worry so much about as I have no driver’s license and am married (begin the marriage=end of sex jokes here) but the hating to buy headphones thing sent my fists pumping into the air with the words “Oh Em Gee! Me too!” shouted out of my mouth.

  3. The games that car salesmen play is what makes me hate buying a car. I refuse to buy new though…. that $5000 drop the minute I drive off the lot just hurts too much for me to buy new.

  4. AjohnP says:

    I couldn’t agree more. Car buying is an absolute nightmare. Nowhere else do you feel like you’re being completely ripped off, no matter what happens. I agree as well about the headphones -which would explain why I don’t even own a pair at the moment. As for #2….I have no comment.
    ;-)

  5. brandon says:

    At least with cars and electronics, you can purchase protection. Condom purchases would feel safer if I could get one with an extended warranty.

  6. whitenoise says:

    Dave, I’m here to help!

    1)Cars- take the dealer invoice price- multiply by .75. That is likely the best deal that anyone can get and you will be lucky if you get that. However- go in, offer 75% with a downpayment of $500 in your hand. If they don’t counter with at least 80% invoice- get up, walk out, go to another dealer and start at 80%. Repeat as necessary, never feel badly about getting up and walking out. They need you more than you need them.

    2)Condoms: get married, have kids. You won’t have sex anymore, no need to buy ‘em.

    3)headphones- open or sealed? For exercising or lying in hotel rooms? I’ve had good luck with open Sennheisers in the $75 range for running. Sealed headphones- Sonys, Bose, Sennheisers, maybe even Yamahas- you get what you pay for- you’d probably want to be in the $125-$200 range. The current fad are those Monster Beats. I don’t doubt that they’re good but I’d guess that you’d be overpaying to get a name brand.

    4)Green Lantern… you get to go to movies? (See #2)

  7. i bought a used suv from enterprise rent a car and didn’t hate the experience one bit.
    who cares what the little girl (or senior citizen) at the counter thinks about you buying condoms? none of their business. besides, they see it every day. you aren’t the only one who buys them!
    are you still gonna see the green lantern even though folks say it sucks?

  8. Karl says:

    So disappointed that Green Lantern is a disappointment. I was really looking forward to that one, too, but I’ll skip it.

    And I’m in the need for a new set of headphones, too. Ugh.

  9. Sybil Law says:

    I hate headphones. I hate things on my head in general, so headphones are an extra pain in the ass.
    I also hate condoms. Luckily, I don’t need to worry about them.
    Saturns are actually decent cars, though.

  10. I know absolutely nothing about The Green Lantern as I was never really into comics as a kid. All I do know is that the shitty CGI in the previews made me want to punch myself in the face. I took that as a sign that this movie probably isn’t for me. If you haven’t seen it yet, go watch Super 8 instead. You’ll thank me.

  11. kapgar says:

    Buying headphones is terrible as I know from shopping last year. The only thing that saved me was finding out I could trade my dead Bose in and get a new pair for half price.

  12. Patrick C. says:

    Green Lantern sucks?! Oh Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

    I bet his ring can make him an amazing condom so he doesn’t have to buy any LOL

    P

  13. Suebob says:

    Could be worse. Could be with a gum-smacking whore who then proceeds to clip her nails.

  14. Stacey says:

    I buy condoms at the supermarket where they have self-checkout lanes. I’m sure the price of Trojans is higher there, but I’ll pay extra to not feel awkward.

  15. Kirsten says:

    My dad sells used cars, and the ONE time I tried to buy a car on my own I got screwed in a big way. The car I have now I actually drove cross country to buy it from my dad.

    I hear that CarMax has fixed prices on their cars, which would make the buying experience similar to Saturn’s. If there’s one near you, you might want to check them out.

  16. muskrat says:

    I don’t plan to buy any of these 3 any time soon.

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