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Despondency

Posted on Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

Dave!I have an absurd amount of things to be thankful for. I've been so blessed in life that it seems as though I should be on my hands and knees thanking whatever gods there be every minute of every day for my abundance of awesomeness. Even the days that suck are still a paradise compared to those endured by scores of people less fortunate. Truly I am one of the luckiest people on earth.

Which is why it always catches me by surprise when the waves of depression wash upon my shore.

This morning I awoke with such a massive feeling of dread and despair that it was all I could do to climb out of bed. "What an asshole!" I tell myself. "You haven't got anything to be depressed about! You were just in frickin' SPAIN a few days ago for heaven's sake!"

Didn't matter. No amount of rationalization could make me feel better. No amount of self-analysis could reveal what had me feeling so down. No amount of chocolate pudding could erase the depression that swamped my every thought. I'm sure there's all kinds of pills available to fix stuff like this... but, alas, I don't have any of them, so all I could do was force myself to face the day.

Which sucked, of course, because the despair never truly went away. All I wanted was for the day to finally end in the hopes that I wake up feeling better tomorrow. And so I'm taking a couple of sleeping pills and going to bed at 7:00pm to speed up the process. I'll probably wake up at midnight, but no matter.

   
This past Sunday evening as I was flying home there was a beautiful sunset in The Cascades...

Cascade Mountains Photo

Cascade Mountains Photo

I keep thinking that if I stare at these photos long enough the world will come into focus, but the forecast remains cloudy.

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Comments

  1. Sybil Law says:

    You should seriously sell prints of your photos, or compile a book or soemthing. They’re gorgeous.
    And you are fortunate, as am I. Still, sometimes, I think it’s healthy to wallow in shit for a day. It’s just important to not let it go any longer than that.

  2. Darci says:

    I so get this. When blessed with good fortune, sometimes there is the very darkest of clouds hanging over. I am a teacher of 8th graders who are very receptive to my moods yet only have 2 adjectives for them – happy or mad. Ahhh, if it was so simple.

    Remember to breathe and this to shall pass.

  3. claire says:

    I’ve had all too many days like that. I hope you awaken with a brighter outlook, but I’m here for you even if you don’t.

    Beautiful mountains, thanks for sharing them.

    Also wanted to let you know I’ve started teaching myself Inkscape thanks to your mention of it.

  4. claire says:

    P.S. I like your new header images! (Not sure how new they are, but the vampire, digger, and couch scenes are new to me.)

  5. Annabelle says:

    Back before things in my life took a turn for the complicated and depressing, I too would wake up to days like this. I say, as long as the lows don’t last too long, you just accept that this too is part of your charmed existence.
    Even your depressive state is better than most. You appreciate your fortunes but to only know the good and happy is to not know the true human condition.

  6. Badger says:

    Aw, dude. Can I send you a virtual hug? Would that be cheesy? Would you hate it? I’m doing it anyway. Because that first paragraph up there, I totally could have written. Whenever I feel depressed, I get into this spiral of self-loathing because I KNOW how good I have it. How DARE I not be happy, when so many people have REAL problems?!

    So I get it. And I hope things are better for you soon.

  7. MsChick74 says:

    Dude, that sucks. I’ve heard that sometimes depression is a reaction to stress. Not that I’m an expert on depression, but I’ve had my fair share. Granted, most of it is hormone induced, but it was still not good. Hope tomorrow is better for you!

  8. I’m so sorry you have days like this. Wish you lived closer so we could cheer you up in person, because these kids of ours are the ultimate antidepressant and there’s plenty of extra fun and love to share. Hugs to you from us!

  9. Tammy says:

    It’s funny, when you feel depressed or down, sometimes it feels like it’s just you… or me, I should say. I’ve also been feeling really down lately because of some personal things that are going on, and I often feel like it’s just me. Like, I read other people’s blogs or look at the people around me and think everyone is so happy but me. Then I read something like this, from someone that is one of the people who’s blogs I read and envy because they appear to have such an awesome life… and see that, for whatever reasons, you feel down sometimes too. It stops me in my tracks for a moment.

    I hope you feel better soon :) Perhaps you are just having a bit of patatjes met withdrawl…

  10. Peggy Archer says:

    Jet lag related depression. Happens to me all the time. You’ll be fine, and back to your sassy self as soon as you catch up on your sleep.

  11. Jeff says:

    I understand you Dave; the waves of depression come even if it makes no sense. Ride the wave out until a wave of reality comes in and then rejoice in your abundance. Be grateful for what you have- as you know, things could be far worse. As far as I can see, you are one of the luckiest people on earth.

    Take a moment to enjoy it.

  12. Jon says:

    FWIW, I have been feeling the same way lately. I should be grateful for all that I have, but when the depression hits (as it always seems to around this time of year), everything I have starts to seem meaningless. Part of me even starts to feel trapped and that gets me thinking about leaving it all behind — my job, my home, my possessions, my friends — and starting over somewhere else.

    I know from experience that this feeling will pass in a week or two, but that does not make it much easier to deal with. All I can say is hang in there.

  13. Cricket says:

    ((((( hugs )))))

    I can’t tell you anything worthy, so I’ll just offer a hug and hope it takes the edge off.

    If you need an understanding ear, I have two of those as well. I’ve struggled with down days myself.

  14. the muskrat says:

    I get pissed when I feel like this, too. Glad it’s not just me!

  15. bo says:

    Happens to me too, my friend. It comes in waves just like you said. I’ve learned not to try to fight the feeling but to simply live within it. The mountains, after all, don’t try to blow away the clouds.

  16. Karl says:

    Thanks for writing this, Dave. It helps to hear that other people struggle with this shit, too. (Even though I already know it.)

  17. Mahreen says:

    It must be the weather. :) Call up Barney for a hug? Have a mellow heart-to-heart with a friend, over a chocolate drink. At the very least, we, the Internet, feel your pain and totally relate. I read your blog instead of going to Facebook to avoid feeling blue (Facebook makes me depressed). It helps quite a bit!

  18. Michelle M. says:

    Aww… of course you’re depressed. No more patatjes met. Hope things look brighter tomorrow.

  19. Faiqa says:

    You’re not alone, my friend. Maybe it’s just that we see the world as it truly is, and while that inspires much joy… it would be incorrect to assume that it wouldn’t cause a little shut down to take place in our brains, too. I’ve been there. Actually, Dave, I am there right now. We’ll be okay.

  20. Marc says:

    Sometimes one should really be happy -rationally-, yet still those small and basically unimportant things in life grind your gears enough to feel crappy.

    Hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day for you.

  21. First of all, those pictures are beautiful!

    Also, I agree with you. The depression takes my breath away, too. On the days that I’m jammin’, I think “Why can’t I do this all the time? This is easy!” But, on the hard days, the days I can’t face, I literally find it difficult just to brush my teeth.

    We’ll make it, hon.

  22. Steve in NH says:

    Dave, I have struggled with depression my whole life. In fact, until I experienced some remission in my mid-30s I never knew I had been depressed. The scariest part of depresion for me is its terrible authority. When you’re in it you’re sure this time it’s the real deal, the final chapter, that happiness is an illusion for chumps and you know better. Check out Shakespeare sonnet #29, it captures the mood well for me even if it does get mushy in the final couplet. Misery loves company across the centuries too. Most importantly don’t feel guilty because then “the terrorist” wins. After many flirtations I have made my peace with antidepressants and just take them. Everybody’s different, though. Hope you feel better, chemically or not.

  23. whitenoise says:

    Everybody falls into those holes. They’re not permanent, so don’t sweat it buddy.

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