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Armageddon

Posted on Saturday, June 14th, 2008

Dave!Because it's Pride Month, I was all set to write a nice entry about gay marriage in support of my GLBT friends. I've already blogged my support previously, but that was a while ago, and I thought I would come up with something new. But this time, I didn't just want to ramble on uninformed... I thought I would do some actual research.

So last night while I was listening to online radio, I started poking around. I had always heard that FOX News was "fair and balanced," so I decided to start there.

Nothing could prepare me for what I learned. Apparently there's a "gay agenda" set to demolish the sanctity of marriage and tear apart society. The Gays are hellbent (heh heh) on destroying us all.

Words cannot express the horrors I've discovered. Thus, I've sketched out the future of all humanity on a series of cocktail napkins while drowning my sorrows in cheap alcohol...

Honey, I'm home! - Oh darling, it's horrible... we have new neighbors!
What's wrong? Are the black? - No! It's worse! They're gay!
Gay? Well at least their yard will be well-kept! - You don't understand, they're married!
MARRIED?!? We've built our lives on beliefs so fragile that any contrary belief will destroy them... so marriage is MEANINGLESS! It's over!!
WHAT? Where are you going? - So long... good luck with your life!
WOOOO! (partying with hookers)
WOOOO! (fucking a sheep)
WOOOO! (fucking a pig)
WOOOO! (view of earth from space)
KABOOOM!!! (the earth explodes)
THE END! (of the entire universe)

And there you have it...

GAY MARRIAGE = THE END OF THE UNIVERSE!

Vote your conscience.


Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. adena says:

    Weeelll….TECHNICALLY, that was just the end of Earth. You didn’t show all the other planets imploding. :)

  2. Jeff says:

    You’re absolutely brilliant.

  3. jester says:

    You left out the panel where he has anonymous bareback sex in an airport bathroom with a homophobic male Republican senator.

    That’s what he was REALLY doing.

  4. Mrs. K says:

    About once a week I purposely watch Fox Noise/Fixed News just to hear for myself what those idiots have to say. It is very scary what these so called journalist get by with telling the nation and the world. O’Reilly is the worst. Keith Olbermann on MSNBC is the best.

  5. ChillyWilly says:

    Well, who knew Fox News was right. Damn! I’d better no getting married this next weekend. According to your “research and findings”, the end of world is coming and I certainly don’t want gay marriage to make my marriage meaningless.

    (you are on a roll. Two awesome posts in less than a week. The rest of us need to put on some bells and make things happen)

  6. Avitable says:

    It’s frightening how many people really believe that, too.

  7. Dave2 says:

    What bothers me most… more than anything at all… is that these people who are so opposed to gay marriage actually trot out “the sanctity of marriage” bullshit as justification for discrimination. This says NOTHING about gays wanting equal rights… but says EVERYTHING about the people doing the discriminating. Their beliefs are so weak… so fucking fragile… that the actions of other people are enough to crumble them. I can’t figure out if this is more lame or sad. If two gays getting married is enough to destroy your marriage, you’ve got much bigger fucking problems than you realize.

  8. jake titus says:

    Dave,

    We must protect the sanctity of marriage!!! If not us, then who?

    So beginning today, I am forming a coalition to prevent Britney Spears-Federline-Vegas Dweeb or Pam Anderson-Lee-Rock-Rotten Crotch from ever marrying again…

    The time is now!!!

    Jake

  9. ssp says:

    As a H2G2 fan the End of the Universe sounds like a fun idea, but the whole marriage thing is something I fail to understand. While it’s a fun idea that gay couples should embrace it just to piss of conservatives and religious people, I keep thinking that the institution per se is somewhat backwards and increasingly an exercise in saving taxes and then funding divorce lawyers (and if I’m not mistaken people over in the US like a few marriages per life just like they like a few houses per life – much more than their European siblings), so it’s really unclear to me why people are so keen on it.

    Wouldn’t abolishing marriage sound more reasonable?

    Of course some of the legal advantages of marriages should be extended to all couples (but that’s not the aspect which upsets the conservatives about it) but as far as I can tell from the people I know, being married makes them neither happier nor unhappier. I guess we’ll see how things develop over the years…

  10. Robin says:

    I f-word love you and that entry. 30 years ago the neighbors would have been talking about my parents. Love it!

  11. Lewis says:

    You’re killing me, man! What a, shall we say, vivid depiction of our agenda for the marriages and homes of this world. (psst…just between you and me, i think they’re scared to look inside the four walls of their own homes for the real answer to their declining happiness and such…shhh). Can I link to your post? Hope so…because I’m going to. You’re a doll to support we gays…..we need all of the help we can get. Now, you’ll excuse me while I go out to the barnyard for a bit………

  12. kapgar says:

    I KNEW IT!!!!

    (yes folks, that’s a joke as well)

  13. IRV says:

    I wouldn’t get married even if they allowed me to. It’s such a fragile institution, far be it for me to bring it crumbling down. Gotta go convert some heteros. Bye.

  14. HoosierGirl says:

    I love the funny comic, but it’s not too far from what some people think. It’s a difficult issue, but I don’t think people should be so afraid of gays marrying. It’s silly to be threatened by others’ legal status.

    J.

  15. Winter says:

    I love how in the sheep panel both the man and sheep don’t seem to be enjoying the sex. However, in the pig panel the man and pig look equally aroused. Curious, that.

  16. Karl says:

    I really wanted to see the guy fucking a duck because I’ve always heard people say, “Well, fuck a duck!” Just thought I’d get a chance to see that in action. I have no idea why it’s such a popular phrase. Clearly, I am missing out.

  17. Tracy Lynn says:

    That pig could totally do better.

  18. Hilly Sue says:

    Oh my my, Davey-Joe….

  19. Belinda says:

    Won’t somebody think of the CHILLLLLLLDRENNNNN!!!

    Gah.

    Also? I would have many, MANY more of these cartoons. MANY MORE, do you here?

  20. margalit says:

    OMG Dave, you just described what happens over and over in my town, where gay marriage is legal and also where we have many married gay families. It’s EXACTLY like you say… the poor sheep and pigs are suffering. Send PETA!

  21. Babybloomr says:

    Based on the totally surprised look on the face of the pig during that spontaneous passionate encounter, I’m betting the two of THEM are married..

  22. yellojkt says:

    I saw a bumpersticker today:

    End Gay Sex – Support Gay Marriage

    Sounds like a strategy to me.

  23. delmer says:

    “Wooooooo”

    “Oink”

    I’ll grant you it’s been a slow night here in Ohio, but that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.

  24. Howard says:

    I see that you are portraying the man as the one who is destroying his marriage again. How pedestrian. Could this have been any more puerile?

    What? The universe is ending. I’m okay with being an asshole now.

  25. Kyra says:

    Their “fair and balanced” scares the crap out of me. I listened to it a couple times on my long drives, and it was awful. Once I realized I was literally screaming at my radio, I turned it off and made sure it never went there again.

  26. Mocha says:

    Why don’t any of The Gays ever come after me to destroy me? Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyy?

    Hurry up, Gays. I’ve been waiting for that to help crumble marital sanctity for a while.

  27. nicole says:

    oh Fox news i had up to this point based my life upon you but now alas it seems you have wronged me a everyone knows a man who leaves his wife to screw a pig would surely place makeup upon it’s face before fornicating, oh well there goes my faith in Fox.

  28. Iron Fist says:

    This is awesome, and couldn’t be more timely: I was having lunch with someone yesterday who suddenly told me they didn’t believe in gays being allowed to marry, and didn’t much like my response of, “if it bothers you, then don’t get married to a gay person. simple.” I WISH I had this cartoon handy at the time.

  29. Matt says:

    Wow. I will never understand how my partner and I were deemed with such enormous power. I’m almost afraid to touch ANYTHING, since it will obviously lead to its immediate destruction.

    Bzzzz. Sorry, just obliterated your blog, Dave. I can’t help it.

  30. claire says:

    Love the stick figures, particularly the wife’s hair. His hat is great too- it’s like he’s from the 40s or 50s.

    Just goes to show for all the progress that’s been made, there’s a lot of attitude changing left to go.

  31. Charlene says:

    Dave,
    I found your blog due to the “explosion”. I am enjoying listening to you on the radio with Hiily.
    I love this cartoon! I am also straight but have lots of gay friends….
    I am looking forward to reading your blog.
    Charlene

  32. Hat tip to you sir. So sad that there are people who actually think that though.

  33. This is why we love you Dave… social commentary with a sprinkling of inter-species erotica!!!
    :)
    Robyn

  34. Jonathan says:

    Nothing brings more pleasure to my life than sitting at home ’til the wee small hours of the morning plotting the next phase of the (dramatic voice) AGENDA ….

  35. maman says:

    Did you get that straight from my Dad. Because that is pretty much his thought process.

  36. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    HAHAHA!.

    HA

    OMG I think I just wet myself.

    Oh wait, this is better: Try being on vacation (like me) in San Diego (like where I am) during all of this (yay.)

    Some guy was holding a protest sign that said “Gay Marriage is a Fairy Tail”…

    … I need new pants.

  37. kyle says:

    absolutely.
    f’ing.
    brilliant.

  38. Jonny says:

    Um why don’t Gay and lesbian couples develop a new term for their life time partnership so as not to piss off the straight married couples? Is it that big of a deal for Gay and Lesbian couples to use a different term. Marriage is a biblical term adopted by our country. Being Gay and wanting to commit yourself to another gay person is not biblical. Why would they even want to associate the institution of marriage with their own relationship? You show me a Gay Christian couple… Why not separate yourselves from the institution of marriage. Does not make sense!!!

  39. Dave2 says:

    Two atheists can get married by a justice of the peace at a courthouse in a completely non-religious ceremony. That is a completely non-biblical marriage and nobody has a problem with it, so marriage doesn’t have anything to do with religion under the law.

    And since being gay is not exclusive from being raised a Christian, I’m sure there are plenty of gays who consider themselves Christian couples… even if some people don’t see it that way.

    In the end, it doesn’t make any difference. Just because two men or two women want to get married and have the same rights as everybody else, “traditional” marriage between a man and a woman is unaffected. As you can tell from the ridiculously high divorce rate, it’s not like society as a whole is following the Bible’s interpretation of marriage anyway… ’til death do us part indeed.

  40. Neil T. says:

    I can show you plenty of gay Christians if you really want.

    In Britain we do actually differentiate between ‘heterosexual’ marriage and ‘civil partnerships’, which same sex couples can receive. Legally they are the same and afford the same rights, but heterosexual couples can only opt for a marriage and homosexual couples can only opt for a civil partnership. I imagine this was done to appease those that see marriage as being exclusively between a man and a women and I can’t say I totally agree with it, but at least there is something that homosexual couples can get which is the same as marriage in all but the name.

    And like in the US you can have an entirely non-religious wedding should you so wish.

  41. Dave, I think the atheist comeback is brilliant. I’m going to remember that one for my Christian/refuse-to-see-the-other-side friends.

    You. Rock.

  42. Robguy says:

    To those that don’t understand – some of us have grown up in homes with married parents and always thought that somedays we’d find someone that we’d like to marry and live happily ever after with. Why should we call it something different when it isn’t something different.

  43. stef says:

    hahahaha!!! can i please please PLEASE put this on my blog? (of course i’ll do linkys and give complete props!)

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