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Zombies

Posted on Thursday, June 1st, 2006

Dave!I am of the opinion that people who suffer from road rage are probably blameless for their condition. There are so many total dumbasses on the road that it's no wonder people are enraged. By the time I finally got across the mountains I was so overwhelmed with anger that I was very close to having a mental breakdown. You know it's bad when your throat is sore from screaming at idiots for three solid hours (knowing full well that they will never hear you).

Here is a puzzle for you...

Driver Quiz

Given the above situation do you...
   
A: Realize that you are delaying traffic and pissing people off, so you pull over at the next turnout.
   
OR...
   
B: Think that you are the center of the universe, don't give a shit about anybody else, and don't bother pulling off at the turnout because it would be an inconvenience.

If you answered A, then congratulations! You not only know how to read, but you also know how to drive legally! This gives you a DaveQ of 1000, so please go get a badge and display it proudly!

If you answered B, then please f#@% off and die. Seriously. It's bad enough that you are going 18 miles an hour under the speed limit, but the fact that you are breaking the law and causing people to have a brain hemorrhage BECAUSE YOU WON'T PULL THE F#@% OFF THE ROAD TO LET US PASS... well, I just want your stupid ass beat to shit until you die.

DIE! DIE! DIE!!!

   

Ahem. But it was all worth it because once I got to Redmond it was Zombie time...

Zombies!

Zombies!

Everything turned out super-sweet (though the photos look a little freaky because I had to use a flash).

These shirts are pretty nifty because they are so astoundingly useful...

CONDITION: Hung-over on a Monday morning at work due to a weekend of heavy partying? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.

CONDITION: Stayed up too late watching a marathon of old Arnold Schwartzenegger movies? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.

CONDITION: Sick with the flu but can't afford to miss a day of work? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.

CONDITION: Fall asleep while making love to your significant other? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.

The beauty of it all is that you don't even have to say a word... just point to the shirt!

And now I'm off to Chicago...

   

Help

Posted on Friday, June 2nd, 2006

Dave!My Horizon flight was cancelled this morning due to the ever-vague "mechanical difficulties". Color me shocked.

Since I started this blog three years ago, I have had four mechanical-related cancelations (argh)... and that doesn't even begin to cover the dozens of Horizon departure delays that happened in-between. Now we're up to FIVE "mechanical difficulty" cancelations. In THREE YEARS!!

I mean, HOLY SHIT! Given all these problems, I can't help but wonder why their aircraft are not falling out of the sky on a regular basis!

But it's my fault. You would think that I would learn. I should just bit the bullet and fly out of Seattle. But it's so NICE not having to drive 3-1/2 hours back home after I return. I love being twenty minutes away from my house when I get back from an exhausting trip instead of having to spend another two-hundred-and-ten minutes driving.

So, instead of landing in Chicago right about now, I haven't even left yet...

Dave Fuck

And as if that's weren't bad enough, I have this peanut-eating bitch sitting behind me that keeps kicking her seat and making little "hmph hmph" noises in her throat. She's creeping me out. And now I smell like peanuts...

Dave Fuck

Kill me. Kill me now.

And if my plane falls apart in mid-air due to "mechanical difficulties"... please know that I love you all. Each and every one of you.

Well, everybody except Avitable.

Something tells me that anybody who would eat ice cream cones with Hitler is somebody you should probably distance yourself from in the interest of good karma in the afterlife.

UPDATE: By some miracle, Horizon managed to keep their airplane in one piece all the way to Seattle. Apparently I have a flight to Chicago sometime tonight, but can't find a gate agent to confirm it. One thing is for sure... it's going to be a long, long day.

Categories: Travel 2006Click To It: Permalink  13 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Monument

Posted on Saturday, June 3rd, 2006

Dave!Flying Horizon Airlines with their myriad of "mechanical difficulties" has me thinking quite a lot about my death.

Not so much about how I will be ascending to a higher plane of existence from which I shall continue to bless my loyal readers... but more about where my earthly remains shall be interned. Something befitting a man of my stature and brilliance. Something with eternal flames... and a gift shop.

After thinking about it during the bumpy ride into Seattle, I finally came up with a rough concept...

Dave Monument

I think perhaps a statue monument made out of Italian marble that's around fifty stories tall should do the trick. And it would be hollowed out just like the Statue of Liberty so visitors could climb into my head and observe the surrounding 200,000 acres of pristine wild-lands which surround my eternal resting place (formerly known as Mt. Rainier National Park).

  • DAVE TEMPLE: Inside the monument pedestal will be a twenty-story amphitheater where people can gather to sing my praises.
  • ETERNAL FLAMES: Four eternal flames will burn 24/7 to pay tribute to my enduring legacy.
  • BURIAL HEADSTONE: This massive slab of marble will be engraved with my many achievements for all to pause and reflect over my contributions to all mankind.
  • SACRIFICIAL ALTAR: Here is where those who offend me may be offered up for sacrifice... spammers... dumbasses... bad drivers... ABC network television executives...
  • DAVE MUSEUM: Located in my pants, this comprehensive museum will contain a complete collection of Dave artifacts and memorabilia.
  • REVOLVING RESTAURANT: Located in my belt, a delicious variety of my most favorite foods will be served in a fun and exciting setting that makes a full revolution every hour.
  • DAVE-COASTER: Within my chest is a sweet roller coaster ride where visitors can be whisked from arm-to-arm at break-neck speeds!
  • OBSERVATION DECK: From out of my eyes, visitors can look out over the landscape and meditate over all that was and will forever be "Dave".
  • IMAX THEATER: In the top of my head is an IMAX dome theater where visitors can enjoy Elizabeth Hurley films or watch documentaries of my fascinating life and numerous successes.
  • GIFT SHOP: Here you can buy all kinds of Dave merchandise including books, souvenirs, T-shirts, post cards, and even Bad Monkey plush toys!

I'll be setting up a tip jar here so that everybody can do their part to immortalize me in this nifty monument. I am pretty sure that something like this will cost at least a couple of billion dollars, so dig deep... DIG WAAAAAYYY DOWN DEEP... into those pockets for your tax-deductable* contribution.

   

* At least any donation should be tax-deductable. Write your legislators today!

   

Meeted

Posted on Sunday, June 4th, 2006

Dave!How is it that you can spend an entire evening with complete strangers, yet be chatting away as if you were old friends immediately after sitting to the table? A meet-up with your fellow bloggers, that's how!

Truth to tell, there's really no way of knowing how something like this is going to go down. Blogs can only tell you so much about a person, and there's no way of knowing what they are like in "real-life" until you meet face-to-face. And then you run the risk that the bloggers you meet will be totally psychotic, and everybody will end up fighting and screaming. Fortunately, I was the only psychotic person there, and nobody seemed to notice.

As it ends up, everybody had a really good time. At least I know I did. A nicer bunch of people you'll never meet, and now I have some new blogging friends to read (not to mention an awesome new pizza to look for: MASHED POTATO PIZZA!). All in all, it was a great night, and has me wishing I could meet up with my readers and fellow-bloggers more often.

Super-Best-Friend Bloggers Roll Call...

  1. Ariana from Ariana's Space.
  2. Gary from Gary Said.
  3. Jen from Run Jen Run.
  4. Kelly from Mocha Momma.
  5. Kevin from Kapgar.
  6. RW from Chasing Vincenzo.
  7. Steve from Contemplaydoh.
  8. Susan from Soccer Orb.

The evening started out with really good pizza at Piece...

Blogger Meet Chicago

And ended with mango mojitos at a tequila bar called Salud...

Blogger Meet Chicago

Though I think Bob is contemplating the "world's worst wine" there, and I have no idea what lethal red concoction Jen is drinking. Out of all of us, Gary is the only one who actually had one of Salud's famous margaritas. Probably because "Mango Mojito" just sounds too tempting (and is fun to say).

Thanks to everybody who attended for a terrific night out!

   

Davecago

Posted on Sunday, June 4th, 2006

Dave!Jenny and I had made plans to check out the Chris Ware showing at the Museum of Contemporary Art today. I am a huge admirer of his work, and was happy to find a fellow fan to share the exhibit with. Luckily, Gary was still in town as well, so the three of us set out to explore Chicago after I had spent way too much money in the museum gift shop.

First it was the the Printer's Row Book Fair, where we ran across the very cool Harold Washington Library Center...

Davecago

It was such a beautiful day that it seemed a shame not to walk up to Millennium Park so we could see the newly polished "Cloud Gate" sculpture. All the seams have finally been buffed out, and we were anxious to see the new and improved "seamless bean". Along the way, we caught up with some protesters being addressed by the cops in a "Segway to Justice!"

Davecago

As expected, the bean was stunning under the flawless blue skies...

Davecago

Davecago

Davecago

And then, before we knew it, it was time for a quick lunch and goodbye...

Davecago

What a terrific way to spend a Sunday!

Categories: Travel 2006Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Twisted

Posted on Monday, June 5th, 2006

Dave!I just got back from dinner at Fogo de Chão.

For anybody who has never eaten there, it's kind of a vegetarian's nightmare where fanciful chefs in goucho pants wander around the restaurant with butcher knives and skewers of meat... continuously feeding you a variety of dead animals until you explode. Ordinarily I would have skipped an invitation to such a place, but they have a very good salad bar and so I was happy to go. I admit that the never-ending parade of meat to the table is a bit distracting, but eventually I am able to just ignore it...

Davefogo

Well, they don't really go wandering around with a pig's head... but you get the idea.

Anyway...

It was an interesting end to an otherwise sucky day. Lets go back in time eight hours...

Today should have been fairly uneventful because I spent most of it in my hotel room working. But the weather outside was so beautiful that I couldn't resist rewarding myself with a walk up to Johnny Rockets for lunch.

That was a mistake.

After I had eaten, I spotted a guy giving out free Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I snagged a delicious Chocolate-Chip Cookie Dough cone and happily started walking back to my hotel. I was half-way home when a car coming from the opposite direction turned in front of me as I was making my way through the crosswalk. Apparently they ended up turning wider than they intended, because they nearly ran me down in the street... I actually had to jump out of the way to avoid getting creamed. I never saw a turn signal, and they turned so late that there was really no way for me to anticipate what was going to happen (never mind the fact that I had a "walk" signal).

And while I did avoid death or serious injury... I made a terrible landing. Probably because I was trying not to drop my ice cream. Much to my horror, I twisted my leg and came crashing down on the pavement.

I was too shocked to be angry, but the woman crossing behind me was furious. "DID YOU GET THE LICENSE OF THAT BITCH?!?" she screamed as she leaned over me. "Uh, no... the car was going too fast" I replied, and then stupidly added "it was a silver car".

As I was getting up with my ice cream cone (miraculously spared), a small crowd wandered up as the woman had to tell everybody what had happened... "A BITCH IN A SILVER CAR JUST RAN HIM DOWN!! JUST RAN HIM DOWN IN THE STREET!!" she announced (as if it would have been less tragic had it taken place in a parking lot?).

So now my leg and back are all jacked-up. Fortunately, I have my meds with me.

And just when I think things can't get any worse, I arrive back at my hotel just in time to learn our beloved president is announcing his support for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.

It's so nice that the office of the president is continuing to represent ALL the people of this country*.

   

*Assuming that you are a healthy, white, wealthy, Christian, heterosexual from Texas.

   

I've already said my peace on the subject, but continue to be amazed at how many people have to suffer in the name of a political agenda. There's no way such an amendment could ever pass, so why sully the office of the president with a statement of such horrific bigotry? Why stir up even more hatred in a country so divided? Why be so intentionally hurtful to his fellow American citizens? Why do this when it's so mind-bogglingly un-presidential? Why?

Probably because his popularity is at an all-time low and he needs to rally support from his conservative fan base for the upcoming mid-term elections.

Which is a pretty crappy thing to do, and begs the question...

When President Bush took his oath of office to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States of America... did he ever bother to f#@%ing read it? I've never cared for Bush, but was always respectful of his office. Now I've been worn down to the point where I just have no respect left to give. It's very sad.

So now I am hurting both in body and in spirit. I just want to take a few more pills, go to sleep, and make the world go away. Maybe everything will be better when I wake up in the morning.

I can dream, can't I?

Categories: Food 2006, Travel 2006Click To It: Permalink  38 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Slayed

Posted on Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

Dave!I feel so violated! I just rode twenty-seven floors with a couple who were going at it in the elevator. Without sounding like a total prude... ew! Surely they realize that nobody wants to see that? I mean, if I were trapped in the elevator with two lesbian porn stars, maybe... but this dopey guy and his skank-ho girlfriend? No thanks. Some people should be banned from displays of public affection (and, unless you actually ARE a lesbian porn star, this means you).

Tonight's dinner was at one of the best Thai restaurants outside of Thailand... Vong's Thai Kitchen. They have a "Yellow Vegetable Pad Thai" to die for. Succulent, flaky noodles that aren't the least bit gummy! Here is what I got out of my Thai fortune cookie at the end...

Dave is the best!

If you cannot read my drunken photo, it says: "Everyone agrees you are the best". I never really doubted this, but it's nice to have proof in writing.

I woke up with mild pain in my back and only a little tenderness in my leg... so apparently I am going to survive getting run down in the street yesterday. This is a good thing, because it means I don't have to take pills (which I hate, because it makes me sleepy all day). It also meant that I got to bum around the candy expo here in Chicago. It's always a cool event, mainly because I love me the free samples of sugary treats! There were many wonders to behold, but two things stood out for me...

The first is CHOCOLATE PEEPS!! Yes, Peeps are now available cocoa flavored! I like Peeps, even though I can't eat them (marshmallow has gelatin, which is made from gross animal parts I refuse to stick in my mouth)...

Cocoa Peeps

Maybe it's just that I like saying "Peeps" a lot?

Next up was the PEZ booth. PEZ is a candy I love and actually DO eat. The big surprise was that they had the American Chopper guys from Orange County Choppers make them a cool bike...

Pez Chopper

And that's all she wrote. It has been a very long day.

BUT BEFORE I GO... in deference to Mistress Eve on this most auspicious date of 06-06-06, I am hereby recognizing "Day of Slayer" by rocking out to the ever-excellent death-metal classic album South of Heaven on my iPod (yes, I know you are supposed to blast without headphones, but they would most certainly kick me out of the hotel for that!). Slay on my Mistress of Metal!

Dave Slayer

♫ The root of all evil is the heart of a black soul... a force that has lived all eternity! ♫ A never ending search for a truth never told... the loss of all hope and your dignity! ♫

   

Moses!

Posted on Wednesday, June 7th, 2006

Dave!My last day in Chicago was spent working, which is such a bummer given the beautiful weather and all the nifty things to do in the city. As I type this, fireworks are being shot off of Navy Pier just down the road from my hotel. I don't think that it's a holiday, so I'm not sure what's going on. Perhaps the fact that it's another glorious day in The Windy City is reason enough to celebrate?

I'm too tired to write comprehensive sentences, so it's time for bullet points!

  • BAD: The internet at my hotel is terrible. Many sites (including several blogs I read) are unreachable, and I have no idea why. At first I thought it was some kind of censorship deal, but a quick Google search for porn shows that this isn't the case. WORSE: They don't have wireless so I can't surf in bed, but instead am chained to a desk whenever I want internet access. TRAGIC: I am paying $11.95 +tax PER DAY for this crap. How is it that a prestigious hotel at $279 a night gets you this shabby treatment, and yet a cheap-o $79 a night hotel usually comes with free wireless?
  • I saw a woman crying outside of Walgreen's this afternoon. She had just finished talking on her mobile phone and seemed very upset. After thinking about it for a second, I realized that I seem to see a lot of people crying on their mobile phones lately. Remember the good old days when bad news couldn't find you everywhere you went?
  • I just tried a jug of Hershey's Milkshake for the first time (the "Cookies 'n' Cream" version). I don't know how they do it, but the stuff really does taste like an ice cream milkshake... well, probably more like "thick milk", but it sure is tasty (it had better be for 22% of my daily allotment of saturated fat).
  • Chicago has a city-wide 10:30pm curfew for anybody under 18 years old. This isn't anything earth-shattering but they seem very serious about enforcing it, which is kind of surprising. Even more shocking? Parents are being held responsible, and can be fined up to $500 if their kids are caught out. I don't know whether to be happy that parents are being forced to keep track of their kids... or sad that it takes a threat of a $500 fine to make them do it.

Oh yeah... on the way back from lunch I finally remembered to take a photo of this cool mural that's a 3-D image of Michelangelo's sculpture masterpiece "Moses"...

Moses Chicago

A brilliant likeness of the original, which is located in "San Pietro in Vincoli" basilica in Rome.

Argh. Time to pack my suitcase so I don't have to worry about it in the morning.

Goodbye Chicago.

Categories: Travel 2006Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Vista

Posted on Thursday, June 8th, 2006

Dave!If I were a Windows fan just now, I would be pissed.

Inconsolably, irrevocably, undeniably pissed... because this long wait for the new "Windows Vista" with delay after delay after delay was so totally not worth it. I finally got to take a look, and it's just. Not. Worth. It.

You could so easily dismiss my criticism as "tainted" because I am a self-admitted Mac-Whore, but the simple fact is that I WANT Windows to be good. I NEED Windows to be good. For one thing, if Windows is some hot shit, Apple has to work harder and push the envelope faster to keep the Mac OS ahead of the game. For another, I have to actually use Windows from time to time, and would like for it to be a good experience. Nothing would make me happier than to finally be raving about Windows.

But, alas, Apple has nothing to worry about. The Windows experience still sucks ass...

Davevista

I am still trying to figure out what's so radically different in Vista. Sure they tried to make it LOOK more like a Mac than ever before (wheeee! frosty transparent windows!!)... and some processes are more "Mac-like"... but, for the most part, it's just more of the same. Even worse, neither of my two Windows machines (including one that's only a year old!) even supports the new OS fully, so I would have to go out and spend thousands of dollars in order to get a worse experience than my six-year-old Mac G4 Cube? WTF?!?

It still amazes me that people continue to claim that Macs are too expensive. From where I'm sitting, they are the best computer value on the planet... my little $700 Mac Mini is a superior computer experience RIGHT NOW (and does more out of the box) than a Vista machine costing twice as much eventually will. And then we have the NEXT version of OS X ("Leopard" v10.5) dropping soon... perhaps even before Vista ships (if it ever ships)... and heaven only knows what cool stuff is in store for Mac users then.

I may be a Mac whore but I am not a Mac idiot. My loyalty to Apple has been well-earned, but I am all about "the now" and maintain that if Microsoft were to ever release a superior OS, I would have no problem... no problem at all... dumping the Mac and switching to Windows (and the new Intel Macs make this possible at any time).

But Vista ain't going to do it.

Vista doesn't even come close.

Given my complete lack of Windows enthusiasm, I am too bored to write up any kind of review. A quick Google search reveals an article at ComputerWorld that does a better job than I could anyway.

Categories: Apple Stuff 2006Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Poise

Posted on Friday, June 9th, 2006

Dave!I woke up in the middle of the night and ended up working for four hours. Realizing that I would need some sleep before starting my "real" work day, I decided to take a nap for a couple hours. Waking up refreshed, I was looking forward to this being a good day. I mean, it's Friday, how bad could it get?

You'd think that I would learn to stop asking those kind of questions.

Grabbing my PowerBook off the night-stand, I check my email and the very first one I open is this note from Cynical Dad...

I know you're probably in mourning right now, but in case you haven't heard, let me break the news to you gently. Liz Hurley has been fired from Project Catwalk.
   
But wait! It gets worse. Her replacement? Kelly Osbourne.    
http://www.itv.com/news/entertainment_1316182.html
   
Sorry,
Chag

WHAT THE BLOODY F#@%?!?

Time for the five steps of mourning...

  1. Denial. NO! It's not true! CYNICAL DAD IS A LYING BASTARD!!
  2. Anger. Sky One Television must be destroyed! I will kill Kelly Osborn with my bare hands!!
  3. Depression. Waaaaahhh! Where am I going to get my Liz fix now?!? I want to die.
  4. Bargaining. Perhaps if I were to kidnap Sky One owner Rupert Murdoch, Sky One can be convinced to put Liz back on the air!
  5. Acceptance. Typical. American network execs are total dumbasses, why should their British equivalents be any less stupid?

When you stop and think about it, it all makes perfect sense. Kelly Osborne is totally a worthy replacement for the hottest woman alive...

Liz and Kelly

Because when I think of beauty and class, Kelly Osborne comes immediately to mind...

Liz and Kelly

I mean, I know that Elizabeth Hurley has been a model for nearly 20 years now, so how can she possibly hold a candle to a young, fresh talent like Kelly Osbourne today?

Liz and Kelly

And when one thinks of elegance and poise, is Kelly not the first thing to come to mind?

Liz and Kelly

Forget the fact that Liz has her own successful swim-wear fashion company and Kelly's "Stiletto Killers" fashion line closed its doors two months ago, I'm sure Kelly knows much more about fashion...

Liz and Kelly

And aren't people just sick and tired of looking at Elizabeth Hurley's flawless breasts? I know I sure am!

Liz and Kelly

Trust me, I totally GET IT now...

Liz and Kelly

Besides, Kelly is a famous singer now! Who cares how you look so long as you can sing!

Liz and Kelly

Yep, Kelly is the perfect choice. Nobody says "fashion" quite like a foul-mouthed little bitch who talks as though she's been smacked in the head with a baseball bat...

Liz and Kelly

The thing that totally baffles me here is how incredible Elizabeth Hurley was on the first season of Project Catwalk. She totally blows away Heidi Klum here on the American original series Project Runway. I can only guess that Kelly was cheaper (in every possible way) and so the execs at Sky One decided to cut costs and hire her. Forget the fact that this trashes the reputation of the show completely, so long as you can save a buck, what does it matter? I always thought that British television had higher standards than anything we get here, and having Liz host was proof of that.

Tragic that this is no longer the case. "Too wooden" indeed.

   

Girls

Posted on Saturday, June 10th, 2006

Dave!Zombies have invaded my apartment.

Now that I'm back, I'm doing my best to get T-shirt orders packed up for shipment on Monday. And since I've added ladies T's this time, I've got twice as many shirt stacks to deal with. To expedite matters, I've divided all the shirts by size and style into plastic Rubbermaid tubs and have them piled everywhere. Zombies on the dining table. Zombies on kitchen counters. Zombies on the couch. Zombies on the coffee table. Zombies, zombies, zombies.

And now I'm screwed because the post office stiffed me on the 300 shipping boxes I ordered... I got exactly half that number, which means I'm going to have to see if the local office has any in stock. Must be time for a break.

As I type this, I spy a really cute girl out my window.

Mid-30's with a nice smile and light brown hair that I'm imagining smells like a warm summer day (despite our overcast weather). And just as I am aglow with the thought that she will be moving into my apartment complex... be single... be sane... somehow find me irresistible... and want to be mine for the rest of my days... I realize she's just here visiting her grandmother or something, and some guy is waiting for her out in a car with the motor running.

Typical.

I wonder how many hateful comments and emails I'll get because I've just referred to a grown woman as a "girl". Knowing my luck, some raging feminist will make me the poster-boy for sexist pigs and will hold a bra-burning on the hood of my car.

Which would be kind of nice, actually, because the idea of passionate bra-less women calling for my death while setting my car on fire is kind of a turn-on.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with referring to the fairer sex as "girls" (though my lack of ovaries will seriously under-mind such a position, I'm sure). Females start out as baby girls, grow into being little girls, then suddenly blossom into little ladies once puberty hits. After puberty they become young women before graduating into real, live actual women once they leave high school and childhood behind. At some point they may pick up a husband which makes them wives or have children which makes them mothers. Then time creeps steadily forward until women become old ladies at the sunset of their lives.

But all along, girls will be girls to me.

Which probably pisses off the ladies... at least until some guy refers to them as their "girl-friend" which is somehow appropriate at any age (and kind of understandable, because "lady-friend" sounds tawdry no matter how innocently you use it).

Maybe it's a single guy thing? Perhaps by referring to ladies/women/chicks/babes as "girls" it is only because we like to imagine the possibility that this "girl" will become "girlfriend"??

Eh, what would I know... I'm just a guy.

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  39 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Cure

Posted on Sunday, June 11th, 2006

Dave!What an incredibly crappy day.

Instead of spending my weekend relaxing, goofing off, and playing Xbox... I instead spent all of it working. Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me so much, but all this non-stop work is driving me insane. Literally.

Lately I've taken to talking to myself. And I'm not talking about simply reciting things in my head, but having actual conversations with myself. Like last night...

Dave: Oh crap, I have no idea what I want for dinner tonight.
   
Dave: A fried egg sandwich sounds good.
   
Dave: Hey, that does sound tasty! A fried egg sandwich it is then!

Or this morning...

Dave: I miss Chicago. I could so totally live there. Hey! I should move to Chicago!!
   
Dave: You don't want to move to Chicago.
   
Dave: Yeah, I guess you're right.

And just now...

Dave: Now that the season is over, television sucks ass!
   
Dave: Hey, isn't there new Entourage on tonight?
   
Dave: Oooh... I almost forgot about that! Thanks for reminding me!

And so on.

My self-psychoanalysis has diagnosed a mild form of schizophrenia, so I've written myself a prescription for a tablespoon of Pepto Bismol and a cold beer. I am convinced that everything can be cured by Peptol Bismol... but I hate the taste of it (hence the beer chaser). If one day they announce that Pepto Bismol cures cancer I won't be the least bit surprised, because the stuff is a miracle in a bottle. I lived on the stuff in college...

Pepto-Beer

Too bad it makes your poop turn black.

And now I'm off to box up a bunch of T-shirt before bedtime...

   

Egg

Posted on Monday, June 12th, 2006

Dave!When my next blogiversary rolls around and I decide to print new T-shirt to celebrate the occasion, somebody slap me. For the first two years, I never had to send out more than fifty shirts. This year there are HUNDREDS to ship, and it's a lot of work (as in an unbelievably huge amount of work).

I spent a big chunk of my weekend folding, bagging, boxing, and processing... yet only managed to get through 94 of the 311 orders I received. Tonight I barely got through another 40. At this rate, it will take me the rest of the week to ship all the shirts out, which makes me feel bad for everybody who's been waiting so long.

Ooh! As I'm typing this just now, thunder ripped through the heavens, lightning started crashing, and a deluge of water started dumping out of the sky.

Almost makes me glad that I didn't pull my motorcycle out of storage yet.

Anyway... I've had a few people ask before, and James just asked again, so I present a recipe for y'all:

Dave's Perfect Fried Egg Sandwich!

  1. Grate a half cup of Tillamook Medium Cheddar Cheese and set aside.
  2. Crack two eggs in a large skillet that's been pre-heated over medium heat and treated with cooking spray (like PAM) or a tablespoon of butter.
  3. Sprinkle eggs with salt and pepper to taste, then pierce the yolk so it runs. While the egg is cooking, pop two slices of white bread (preferably a "wide" loaf bread, like Orrowheat) in the toaster.
  4. Continue cooking the eggs until just before they start to turn crispy (I usually flip the eggs over for a bit at the last minute)... then remove from heat (DON'T let them turn brown!).
  5. The toast should have popped up by now, so lay the slices side-by-side on a plate - if you are hard-core and don't mind the extra calories, go ahead and butter the toast (so that it ends up on the inside of the sandwich... you don't want to end up with butter-fingers). Put the eggs on one half and sprinkle with the Tillamook Cheddar, then cover with the remaining slice of toast.
  6. Eat and be happy.
  7. VARIATION: From time to time I like to spread that second slice of bread with mayo (because eggs, butter, and cheese simply aren't enough fats for me)... it's ever so delicious and creamy!

And if you're looking for something to watch while eating your sandwich, here's some spiffy-keen new Mac ads...

Macinthebox

Look! It's a Mac-In-The-Box!!

   

Funny

Posted on Tuesday, June 13th, 2006

Dave!Because I've been busy with work and processing T-shirt orders, I'm running behind in my email replies and haven't had much time to respond to my comments (though, rest assured, I treasure each and every one I get, and DO read all of them when I approve them). But the other day I got an email which kind of bothered me, and I thought I'd put it out there before I lose any sleep over it.

Basically, this guy told me that my blog isn't very funny, and if I want to write a humor blog that I should try writing more amusing entries.

This really puzzled me because at no point have I ever claimed that Blogography is a "humor blog". I write what I write. Sometimes funny things happen to me, so people might think of this site as being humorous from time to time... but I don't sit down and think "I'm going to be funny" when I write.

So I wrote back to the guy and asked him what the deal was. Turns out I am up for some kind of "humorous blog" award, and so he showed up here on a day when I was ranting about Windows Vista and couldn't find the funny he was looking for.

I've been up for awards before (and have even won some) I just never talk about it here, because I don't blog to enter contests or win awards. This doesn't make me ungrateful... I am really honored that anybody finds Blogography entertaining enough for something like that... it's just not something I want to spend my time thinking about.

But, since people are going to come here expecting something funny now, I thought I had better not disappoint them. Unfortunately, nothing humorous has happened to me lately.

Except this dream I keep having which is kind of funny...

You know that dream when you are walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City eating a banana and suddenly you realize that you're totally naked and you've grown to giant size? And then you notice that the entire city is populated by monkeys who are all screaming and running away from you? And for some reason the sky has turned all green with pink clouds and you are walking on water, but it's not really water because it's solid? Yeah, that's the one...

Dave's Dream

Anyway, when I have that dream, it doesn't end the normal way where the monkeys start dancing around singing Madonna's "Holiday"... oh no... for me it's totally different.

For me, the monkeys all of a sudden decide to attack with purple lightsabers like the one Samuel L. Jackson uses in those awful Star Wars prequel movies. But just as they are about to slice you up and steal your banana, A giant Elizabeth Hurley head appears in a beautiful white light! And then little sparkles shoot out from her glorious aura and magically give you laser vision (which is kind of like Superman's heat vision). So now you can zap the filthy little monkeys before they eat your banana...

Dave's Dream

Then, just as the last monkey disappears, you suddenly find yourself floating up into outer-space! But then the planets and stars turn into giant gum-balls that bounce around you. And since you really like gum, you try to reach out and take a bite, but you can never seem to touch them... they're always just out of reach....

Dave's Dream

And just as you become frustrated at your lack of gum-based chewing satisfaction, you wake up still holding the banana from your dream. But instead of being alone there is a crack-whore laying next to you that looks suspiciously like Ann Coulter. And then, just before you can start screaming because Ann Coulter is in your bed, you look again and it's not Ann Coulter after all... but a horse's head! Just like in The Godfather! But it isn't a severed head from a dead racehorse, it's a LIVE horse...

Dave's Dream

And wait for it... HERE'S THE FUNNY BIT... the horse turns to you and says "can I have a bite of your banana?"

And then you realize that you DIDN'T wake up, but you were STILL DREAMING!!

HA HA HA HAAAAAA! THE HORSE WANTS A BITE OF YOUR BANANA!! Isn't that totally the funniest thing you've ever heard?!? I slay me!!

Whoa! I should try to be funny in my blog more often!

   

Schadenfreude!

Posted on Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

Dave!I've studied quite a few languages off and on... German, Spanish, Japanese, Portuguese, French, Italian, Thai, and Swedish... to name eight. Out of all of that, only Italian and Japanese really took hold enough for me to offer passable conversation to native speakers. All the others just kind of faded away.

And while all languages are interesting in their own way (and provide a fascinating insight into those who speak it)... German has the word "schadenfreude" which earns it a special place in my heart.

Schadenfreude is "shameful joy" and is used to describe those who find pleasure in the misfortune of others. Like when somebody you don't like breaks their arm and you feel happy about it... that's schadenfreude.

INTERLUDE
   
Every once in a while a local school or college calls me up to ask if a student can "shadow" me for a day or two so they can see what it's like to be a graphic designer. If I have the time, I always say "yes" because heaven only knows I would have loved to have had that opportunity when I was in school.
   
Most of the time, it's okay. The student observing me is grateful to be there. But two years ago I got a guy who already knew everything... he wasn't satisfied with observing, he decided he was going to school me on what's what. Skippy (not his real name) liked to talk a lot about how talented he is, and was very fond of working the words "old school" into the conversation when discussing how I approached my work. I just ignored him, knowing full-well that he had a lot to learn about reality in the graphic design business.
   
END INTERLUDE

So guess who called me today?

Turns out Skippy finished up school and got himself a design job! Unfortunately for Skippy, he found out the hard way that sometimes "old school" isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes "old school" is just another way of saying "time-tested and proven". Sometimes when you cut corners in your work, you aren't being creative or innovative... you're just being sloppy and lazy.

And so now Skippy wants my advice. He's on the verge of tears because he's taken a bunch of short-cuts to finish a project, and everything has gone terribly wrong. Can I tell him what to do? Can I help him out of the jam he's in?

And there it is, that feeling of schadenfreude that has me wanting to say "suck it, fool!"

But, of course, I'm just too nice of guy for that. I ask him to send me the project so I can take a look, and am horrified to see what a mess he's got himself into. There's really nothing I can do. In order to help him out, I'd have to start over from scratch and I just don't have that kind of time.

So I break the bad news to Skippy... he's boned. I offer a few bits of advice, then give him my condolences and hang up the phone.

It's then that I feel really, really bad about the schadenfreude.

But only for a minute.

I am such an old-school bastard.

UPDATE:

I am getting a little bit of "link love" where people are misunderstanding a few things here. Primary of which is that I am "old school" because I don't know how to use the newer tools that are available in "modern" graphic arts programs (like Photoshop and Illustrator). People are assuming that I stubbornly stuck in an "old" way of doing things, and refuse to learn anything new.

This is not the case. I always keep current with new software versions and the magical new features that come with them. The point that I was trying to make is that while these new tools ARE useful for some situations (and obviously I do use them when it makes sense)... sometimes just because you CAN do a thing does not mean you SHOULD do a thing. Sometimes the "old" way of doing things is the best way. If you are interested in some examples, I've put them in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  36 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Fusion

Posted on Thursday, June 15th, 2006

Dave!The day started out with me putting both contact lenses in the same eye and only went downhill from there.

I'd go into details, but do you really want to hear it? Suffice to say that today sucked, and just when I thought it couldn't suck any more... IT DID! I don't even want to think about it.

The big news of the day, of course, is Bill Gates stepping down from the day-to-day operations at Microsoft in 2008. Helpful hint to Redmond... HIRE A VISIONARY FROM OUTSIDE THE COMPANY WHO CAN COME IN AND REVIVE YOUR TIRED OLD SHIT!! You need a Steve Jobs at the helm... not monkey-boy Balmer who will just keep you mired in the same old crap. Hire somebody like ME who will put your billions of dollars to good use and get you to innovate your way into something new! No more dumping money into duplicating stuff that's already better than what you can do anyway... I-N-N-O-V-A-T-E!!

Oh yeah. I could definitely put billions of dollars to good use...

Microsoft Flying DeLorean

THE FLYING DELOREAN: POWERED BY MR. FUSION, BUILT BY DAVE WITH MICROSOFT MONEY, BABY!!

Seriously, who would give a crap about another stupid version of Windows or buggy MS Office update when you can make a flying car?!? Why dump money into another dumbass music service when you could spend it on developing a flying car?!? MSN? MS Publisher? Hotmail? Terraserver? WHATEVER... who really cares about that junk? EVERYBODY LOVES FLYING CARS!!

At the very least, I could have Microsoft discontinue their Windows products and license MacOS X so they could stop embarrassing themselves... they could call it "Macintosh Vista X" and finally sell an operating system that doesn't suck.

My salary requirements for running Microsoft to record profits? ONE MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH!!!

A bargain at twice the price!

Bill, I'll be expecting your call...

   

Eight

Posted on Friday, June 16th, 2006

Dave!This morning there was a major panic attack when I couldn't find a clean pair of underwear. Eventually I did manage to find some in my flight carry-on bag but, as I was searching, it did get me to wondering what I would do if I couldn't find any. Wear a used pair... or go commando?? Fortunately, I didn't have to choose, but I really should make up my mind in case I'm ever faced with this problem again.

Underwear aside, there was big fun to be had today. I finally got the little buttons I ordered...

Dave Buttons

They turned out great (much better than this photo will attest), which was a pleasant surprise because some of the stuff I order from CafePress ends up looking like crap. But every button was beautiful, had bright colors, and looks professionally made, so I'm happy. Now all I have to do is wait until the weather turns cold so that I can pin them on my jacket. It'll be just like the 80's!

Speaking of orders, I am dangerously close to FINALLY filling all of the T-shirt orders from Blogiversary III week... I have a mere 64 left to go! Thanks to everybody for their patience, and everything should be shipped out by Monday.

Since it's Friday, I'll be picking up a meme from James to finish up the day. You are supposed to come up with eight random things about you which most people might not know...

  1. I was approached about turning my blog into a set of mini-books. At first I declined, but was eventually talked into it. Unfortunately, the deal has recently fallen through because we could not agree on the direction of the project. But since I've already put a lot of work into the books, I'm toying with the idea of self-publishing them at Lulu or something (once I find time to start finishing them up). You can take a look at the cover concepts here.
  2. When I was in high school I started collecting comic books. Though I don't buy as many as I used to, I still read some titles and have amassed a huge collection of books. My current favorites are Age of Bronze, All-Star Batman & Robin, The Avengers, Superman/Batman, Powers, and Usagi Yojimbo. My favorite comic book of all time is Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes.
  3. I've always got something smart-assed to say, and am rarely at a loss for words. Given this, you would think commenting on other people's blogs is a piece of cake... but this is not the case. I like to comment on other blogs when I have time, but sometimes it's difficult. Take one of my long-time reads: What's a Delmer Look Like. Delmer's writing is great and he's always got something entertaining to say... but I always feel that his entries are perfect as they are, and any smart-ass remark I might add would be an intrusion. And then there's Tonya at Adventure Journalist. I eagerly await her every word, marvel over her astoundingly beautiful photography, and have been a fan of her blog forever. To read Tonya is to love her. But eventually you run out of ways to say "beautiful" when looking at her pictures, and so I usually just end up looking at the latest additions to her jaw-dropping gallery, and sneaking away without a word. I don't know why some blogs have this affect on me and other's don't.
  4. I love to paint with watercolors. If I were to win the lotto and become obscenely wealthy, I'd do nothing but travel the world and paint.
  5. I am a huge movie-buff, but am humiliated to admit some of the films that I like. Off the top of my head, they include The Associate, in which Whoopi Goldberg plays a woman trying to break into a job as a stockbroker, but finds that prejudice keeps her shut out. Eventually she invents an alter-ego of an old white guy, but finds that her new success makes the deception difficult to maintain. And then there's Earth Girl's Are Easy which features Jim Carey, Jeff Goldblum, and Damon Wayans as furry aliens who crash-land in Geena Davis' swimming pool. And, of course, Exit to Eden which has Rosie O'Donnell and Dan Aykroyd as undercover cops at a private island sex resort run by Dana Delany (and Iman as an ultra-hot bad girl assassin). There are dozens, perhaps hundreds, of others.
  6. Likewise, there are also musical groups that I am downright embarrassed to admit I listen to from time to time. Probably the most scary is A-Teens, who sing bubblegum pop at its absolute worst. Then there's even more tragic groups like Bananarama, Erasure and even Flock of Seagulls. Even more odd is that right after listening to this stuff, I can turn right around and pop in Rage Against the Machine or Pantera without skipping a beat.
  7. I choose not to eat any kind of meat, fish, or fowl... and choose to ignore broccoli, cauliflower, and any other vegetable that smells bad when you cook it. There is one food I cannot eat however, and that's mushrooms. They make me violently ill and seem to cause my throat to close up if I eat too many of them. That's a fungus for you.
  8. What I am looking forward to most of all next week is an appearance by Betty White on Game Show Marathon, which is a freaky show which dredges up old game shows that are played by quasi-celebrities. Betty will be an actual celebrity guest on the Match Game segment on the 22nd. Naturally, I can't wait.

Argh. I've been working all day and it's late. I think I'll go to bed and slip into a coma.

   

1618

Posted on Saturday, June 17th, 2006

Dave!I am wondering how many consecutive 16 to 18 hour work-days one can work before it kills them.

And by "them" I mean "me".

Because it's going on two weeks now, and I am almost dead. With at least another week of this yet to go, I'm thinking that my demise is at hand. I need to win a billion dollars in the lotto soon because this sucks ass. Of course this necessitates that I actually buy me some lotto tickets, but that's just details.

Dave Dead

A pity that I'm not a detail-oriented person.

Instead all I am is exhausted.

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  12 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Buttons

Posted on Sunday, June 18th, 2006

Dave!I was going to wait until everything was ready before I said anything... but once I put a picture of my little buttons up on Friday, I've been getting emails and comments from people wanting them.

Well, soon enough you will be able to get them.

The idea for buttons came up months ago during the T-shirt voting for Blogiversary III. There were people who were passionate about one design or another, and I felt bad that not everybody was going to get their first choice. I then had an idea that no matter which design won, I'd make little pin-back buttons of ALL the designs and include them with the winning shirt design (which ended up being "Zombies Ate My Brain").

Simple, right?

Not so much. I thought the stupid little things would cost me a nickel or something (since I would be ordering hundreds of them in bulk)... turns out they would cost anywhere from fifty cents to a dollar each! And since I certainly couldn't afford that kind of money, I abandoned the idea. But then my friend Meagan came to the rescue. After explaining my problem, she devised a way to make the buttons for about 25 cents each... far closer to my budget.

So I designed the T-shirt buttons.

But then I found I couldn't stop drawing buttons.

After a week of goofing off, I had over 200 designs, and I wanted to make ALL of them into buttons...

Buttons

So then I came up with the idea to sell little 1-inch buttons on my website.

But, just like the T-shirts, I wanted them to be cheap so people could afford them. This ruled out CafePress and many of the online shops I looked at, because they would end up selling for $1.25... EACH!! (which meant that even with my profit set to zero, they would end up at almost $2.00 once shipping was added!). This may be fine when you get to design your own... but for a pre-made button?!? Rip-off. There was no way I would pay that, and I didn't expect anybody else to have to do it either.

And then there was the problem of filling the orders. The T-shirt fiasco where people had to wait TWO MONTHS for their order is just not acceptable. My busy life can't get in the way of people getting their buttons in a timely manner. So this meant I not only had to find a way of having cheap buttons made... but I also had to find somebody who would ship them as well.

And then I became worried that my designs wouldn't look good when reduced to 1-inch.

So, after a long brainstorming session with Meagan, we came up with a plan. First I sent in a handful of designs to CafePress to see what the buttons would look like. If they looked good, then everything else was in place... We had a place to manufacture them. We had a place to handle the orders. We had a pricing structure that was fair. We even had a cool little button-card worked up to protect the buttons in the mail! Everything was ready to go... IF the print test turned out okay.

Well it did, so now we are getting things ready to go. I am guessing that the store will be online in early July (its hard to tell, because I've got work piled so high it's going to take me a few weeks to get through it).

Once we added up the cost of the buttons, the button card, the fulfillment labor, and all the other expenses, we were pleased to discover that we could price a card of seven buttons for $5.00 (plus whatever the exact shipping charges are) and still make a profit of twenty-two cents per card! Woohoo! So that means even with shipping you should be able to get the buttons for less than a buck each domestically, and only a little over that internationally. Sweet!

Even better, I'm trying to come up with a way to sell bulk-buttons to my fellow bloggers for as cheap as possible. It's a lot of fun having blog-related things to sell or give away, and I think it would be great if everybody had a way to promote their site that isn't super-expensive. Wouldn't it be cool to go to a blogger gathering where everybody could trade buttons? It would be a great way to keep track of the people you've met.

Anyway, to everybody who ordered T-shirts from the Blogiversary III Celebration, you'll be getting a set of all four T-shirt buttons for free (just as I wanted to do in the first place) along with a half-off coupon for your first button-set purchase. Hopefully it will at least partially make up for the long wait you had to endure while the shirts were printed and shipped. Since I am running out of ways to say "sorry" I figure a little gift can't hurt.

So watch this space for further developments, and let me know if you might be interested in getting buttons for promoting your blog (if enough people are interested, we're hoping to get even better pricing).

Alrighty then... back to work.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Screamers

Posted on Monday, June 19th, 2006

Dave!Is there anything worse than having to listen to screaming little girls first thing in the morning?

Apparently the irritating little bitches moved in nearby, because I'm forever hearing them running around screaming in that way that only little girls can. Bad enough I have to listen to this crap in the evenings... but in the morning too? If it wouldn't get me arrested, I'd run out and give them the slapping they so richly deserve.

Hey, if the parents aren't going to take care of it, somebody should.

And speaking of little bitches...

WAAAAAAAAAHH! I finally got to go to bed at 2:00am, and now I am being woken up at 5:30 by screaming girls!! AAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Kill me. kill me now. Whoa, wait a second... I think they just piled in a car and went screaming into the dawn. And now I am going to have bad karma all day because I was just now hoping they would crash into a tree and explode. And now I feel bad because if they really DO explode, my evil thoughts are probably responsible.

Of course, the up-side of exploding is that I wouldn't be woken up by screaming girls again.

This must be one of those moral dilemmas I've heard about.

Hey... I tried to post this entry and my internet is down! Wow. Karma works fast! Rebooting and all the regular stuff doesn't work, so let's call Verizon!

VERIZON: Welcome to Verizon! You've reached Verizon Internet Services! This call may be monitored for training purposes.
   
DAVE: Hey, thanks baby! You've got a really sexy voice!
   
VERIZON: Para Español, marque dos.
   
DAVE: Uhhh... what if I want English? Numero uno?!?
   
VERIZON: Please say the number on the account you are calling about.
   
DAVE: (says number)... thanks for asking!!
   
VERIZON: Which are you calling about tech support, your account, orders...
   
DAVE: Tech support. Which is a pleasant change from all those times I have to call with billing problems.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. If you are calling for tech suppor...
   
DAVE: TECH SUPPORT!
   
VERIZON: Which kind of problem are you calling about? Connection problems, installation, email, or password reset.
   
DAVE: Connection problems. At least I am guessing it is a connection problem because while I AM connected to your router, I can't get connected to the internet.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. For problems with your conn...
   
DAVE: CONNECTION!
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. For problems with your conn...
   
DAVE: CONNECTION YOU BITCH!! CONNECTION! CONNECTION! CONNECTION!!!!
   
VERIZON: Which are you running? Windows, Macintosh, or Another Operating System?
   
DAVE: Macintosh. That's how I am certain it's YOUR fault. If I was on a Windows machine, I'd be calling Microsoft first.
   
VERIZON: Have you tried rebooting your computer and your computer system?
   
DAVE: Yes. I also lit a candle and said a prayer to the internet gods. In a minute, I'm going to start chanting.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I...
   
DAVE: YES!!
   
VERIZON: Okay then, would you like me to test the line for problems at your location?
   
DAVE: Why not. If it will keep me from having to talk to one of your sublimely helpful support personnel, I'm all for it.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I...
   
DAVE: YES!!
   
VERIZON: Please hold while I test your line. This test can take as long as 60 seconds. I am running the test right now. BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BOOP BEEP...
   
DAVE: I haven't heard these kind of cheesy "computer sounds" since watching those old Star Trek episodes! SCOTTY, WE NEED WARP SPEED IN SIXTY SECONDS OR WE'RE ALL DEAD!! -- I CANNA DO IT CAPTAIN! I'M GIVEN YA EVERYTHING SHE'S GOT! -- DAMMIT JIM, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A BRAIN SURGEON!! WELL, OKAY, I AM A BRAIN SURGEON... I JUST DON'T LIKE STICKING MY FINGERS IN BRAIN!!
   
VERIZON: For technical help, there's a great web site available to assist you: onlinehelp.verizon.net
   
DAVE: I am calling with a CONNECTION PROBLEM! If I could bloody connect to the internet, would I be calling with a CONNECTION PROBLEM you silly bitch?!? And what happened to that line test you were running? Are you even going to bother telling me how that turned out? This is the...
   
VERIZON: Customers in the [SPOKANE, WASHINGTON] area may currently be experiencing problems connecting to the internet. Our engineers are aware of the problem, and are working to resolve it.
   
DAVE: WELL THANKS A LOT YOU DUMBASS!! COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD ME THAT WHEN I GAVE YOU MY AREA CODE AT THE VERY BEGINNING?!? I HOPE THAT THIS CALL IS BEING MONITORED SO I CAN TELL YOU HOW F#@%ING STUPID IT IS! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU EVIL VERIZON BITCHES FROM HELL! DIE YOU BASTARDS! DIE! DIIIIIEEEE!
   
VERIZON: I'm connecting you now...

Blargh. Usually you have to call a mobile phone company to get this kind of shitty service! Oh wait... Verizon has mobile too! Hey, at least they're consistent.

There is good news today though...

Final Orders

That's the final 64 T-shirt orders left from my Blogiversary III Celebration. Those in the front are the remaining international orders for which I ran out of Global Priority boxes (hopefully they will be waiting for me at the post office this morning). As happy as these people will be to receive their orders at long last... nobody could be more thrilled than I am that these are finally shipping out.

Well, assuming I ever get internet back so that I can process them.

Karma sucks ass!

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Uhura

Posted on Tuesday, June 20th, 2006

Dave!It's midnight and I am too tired to work another minute. My mind is all fuzzy, which means I'm no good to be on the job anyway. Fortunately, it doesn't require any brainpower to write in my blog, so here we are.

Today (now yesterday) on my third trip to the post office I had to wait in line behind a few people. The guy ahead of me was wearing some very scary comb-over hair that had holes in it. But that's not what made him look astoundingly stupid.

He had one of those ridiculous bluetooth wireless headset thingies for his mobile phone that he was talking into.

LOUDLY!

As he was yacking away I had a hard time deciding if he looked more like a Borg from Star Trek...

Bluetooth Borg

Or just a complete dick...

Bluetooth Dick

Well, not a COMPLETE dick... because the one shown above is circumcised... but you get the idea.

All I can say for sure is anybody who walks around with one of those things looks like a serious tool, and every time I see somebody wearing one I want to rip it off their head and kick it up their stupid ass.

And then set them on fire.

And then push them into a barrel of gasoline.

That's been topped off with napalm.

And is sitting on top of a pile of dynamite.

Because anybody who doesn't realize how stupid they look while walking out in public with a piece of plastic sticking out their ear needs to be asploded quite badly. Not only for their own sake, but for the betterment of society as a whole. I mean, seriously, I'm pretty sure even Lt. Uhura took that shit out of her ear when she left the bridge of the Enterprise...

Uhura

What worries me greatly is that if enough assholes keep wearing this crap, pretty soon it will become acceptable to do so (much like polyester suits in the disco era). The day that happens is the day I'm up in a bell tower with a rifle shooting people.

Assuming I could find a bell tower. Do they even make those anymore?

In England they have "happy slapping" where idiots go around slapping people for no reason and filming it with their mobile phones. I say that they should find a purpose in life... instead of slapping randomly, they should focus their attacks on people wearing bluetooth wireless headsets. We could call it "bluetooth slapping", and I think it would kick ass.

I would draw a cartoon of that, but I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard...

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  43 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Boner

Posted on Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

Dave!Tonight after work I followed a building contractor's truck which had "Let Us Help You Build Your Dream" stenciled on the back. The guy was going 25 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone. Well MY dream is for people to drive the frickin' speed limit... can you help me with THAT?? Dumbass.

It was the cherry on the ass of my day.

And now, since that seems like it would be a fun thing to draw, I present a visual interpretation of the above sentiment...

Cherry Ass

Next up: apparently I pulled a boner today.

Do not expect a visual interpretation of that, however, as an explanation is in order...

Out of all 64 T-shirt shipments I sent on Monday, I somehow processed five of them as "label only" - meaning that they did not have postage on them. As I was attempting to exit the post office with an armload of rejected packages, an old man comes running up to hold the door...

Old Man: Hey partner, looks like Christmas came early for you! HA HA HAAAH!
   
Dave: Ah. No, I'm needing to ship these out.
   
Old Man: Then aren't you going the wrong way with those packages? HA HA HAAAH!
   
Dave: Oh. Yeah. I forgot to put postage on them, so I have to go fix that.
   
Old Man: Pulled a boner did ya? HA HA HAAAH!
   
Dave: Uhhh... what?!?
   
Old Man: Good luck partner! HA HA HAAAH!
   
Dave: Uhhh... what?!?

I walked away from that conversation very confused, but fortunately Wikipedia was able to clear things up:

"A small mistake having an amusing effect?" Well, I certainly hope that's what the old guy meant.

Because anything else would be very disturbing indeed.

And I don't want any more cherries on my ass.

   

Crunchy

Posted on Thursday, June 22nd, 2006

Dave!I was all excited about Betty White being on Gameshow Maraton tonight, but it was for naught. Sure she was there and was totally cool and everything... but too much time was spent on all the other lame celebrities. This was not a good thing, because D-list "star contestants" Lance Bass and Kathy Najimy were positively stupid in their answers. And Ricki Lake was no Gene Rayburn, that's for sure.

Such a pity, as I was so looking forward to the show after yet another grueling day of work.

Fortunately, good TV news was to be found: Comedy Central has ordered THIRTEEN NEW EPISODES OF FUTURAMA!!

Futurama Dave

Easily my favorite animated series of all time, Futurama is far more clever and brilliant than we deserve (which is probably why it was cancelled). About the only cartoon character I love more than Bender would be Curious George, so you know this is a seriously big deal for me.

In other news, I have a new best friend...

Crunch Master

These little crackers are called "Crunch Master". At first I was dubious because I found it seriously hard to believe that any chip could possibly out-crunch a Doritos corn chip. Crunch MASTER? Bitch, please. But I do love me the rice cracker, so I decided to give them a try.

Holy shit!

These people do not lie! They are indeed the Crunch F#@%ing Master!!

In fact, the only way these crackers could be any MORE crunchy would be if they were made out of GLASS. Yes, I kid you not, they are indeed that crunchy! They are so crunchy that if you listen really closely, you can probably hear me crunching on them... even if you are in a different time zone. They are so crispy that I dare say you could use shards of Crunch Master crackers to cut through steel. It would not surprise me to find out that Crunch Master crackers are prohibited on airplanes by Homeland Security for fear somebody could break one in half and take over the plane.

Crunch Master crackers kick serious ass.

I am hopelessly addicted to them now (especially the cheese variety). I eat them constantly. In fact, when I am not eating Crunch Master crackers, I am sad. I need to devise some kind of automated feeding mechanism so that I can be force-fed a constant supply to my mouth and be happy all the time. But there would have to be a "pause button" so that I could temporarily suspend feeding while talking on the phone. Because talking with your mouth full of crunchy crackers would just be rude.

The good news is that they are practically calorie-free. That's because there's nothing in them. There's so much crunch that there's not room for anything else.

I have to stop blogging now so I can eat another bag of Crunch Master BEFORE bedtime. I don't dare eat these crackers IN bed, because the crumbs would probably cut me up and cause me to bleed to death in the middle of the night. Hey, there's a cool new advertising slogan! Crunch Master: so crunchy they could kill you to death!

Now that's a totally bad-ass cracker.

   

Flag

Posted on Friday, June 23rd, 2006

Dave!Oh crap! The Broadcast Flag is back! But what is it and why should you care?

Well, if you believe the movie and recording industry people... it's a way to protect digital media from being stolen as it is broadcast to people's fancy new HD televisions. They worry that since the signal is so good, people will just steal media instead of buying it legally on DVDs or Pay-Per-View or cable or whatever.

Hey, that doesn't sound so bad does it? I mean, stealing is bad. If everybody steals movies and television shows, that means the people who make the stuff won't get paid. And if people don't get paid, then that means nobody will MAKE movies and television shows anymore. That would suck ass!

But here's the problem... protection never works out. Thieves ALWAYS find away around copy protection.

No, the people who suffer are law-abiding citizens. The Broadcast Flag completely controls what you can do with the content you pay for. You are no longer "the decider" of what you can record on your TiVo or take with you on your iPod... NETWORKS are. They control if you can record it, when you can record it, how you can record it, where you can watch it and, assuming you are able to record it at all, how long that recording will last. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Since they control EVERYTHING to do with the content, there's no telling what's going to happen. Never mind that you pay for the right to view the material, they get to decide how.

And this is why attempts to introduce Broadcast Flag legislation have always failed. It's simply not a solution that's fair to law-abiding citizens. But that doesn't keep the ass-wipes from continuing to try. They are always trying to sneak it into other law "packages" in the hopes that nobody will notice.

And that makes me very angry...

Broadcast Flag

Broadcast Flag

Broadcast Flag

I mean, holy crap... IT'S OVER! WE DON'T WANT YOUR F#@%ING BROADCAST FLAG! How many times does it have to be defeated before it will just DIE??

I say the next ass-hat who tries to sneak it into legislation should be shot.

Maybe then the rest of the idiots will get a clue, and I won't have to read about some dumbass politician wasting time and tax dollars on this crap again.

Maybe then our lawmakers will focus on important stuff... like health care or something.

Maybe then law-abiding people will stop getting screwed over what they legally pay for.

Maybe.

Categories: Television 2006Click To It: Permalink  8 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Special

Posted on Saturday, June 24th, 2006

Dave!Yesterday as I was picking up a Coke with Lime at the local mini-mart, a youngish guy comes running up to me, slaps me on the leg, then say "HI" with a big smile. "Hey buddy," I say. Out of nowhere a girl (older sister?) appears and says "Is he bothering you? Sorry, he's special".

The fact that she said "special" in a very condescending tone did not upset me half as much as the fact that she used air quotes when she said it. "Oh really?" I replied. "Well I think people who use air quotes are special". This went right over her head, as she just stood there staring at me. After a sigh, I added "no, he's not bothering me at all," which is when she grabbed her brother(?) by the hand and drug him off.

The constant lack of respect that people seem intent on showing their fellow humans is really starting to piss me off. Sure the kid was mentally impaired, but did the bitch have to be so demeaning about it? Doesn't the kid have it hard enough without having to put up with this crap too?

Yargh.

Anyway, because I have to go into work today, I am going to swipe the "62 Questions" meme from Mikey (though he actually made it a 59 question meme by neatly avoided questions 27, 36, and 39, which I had to get from Google). I've put it in an extended entry so the meme-hating masses can skip it, if they so desire.

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Goth

Posted on Sunday, June 25th, 2006

Dave!This weekend was Founders' Days in the city. It's a rather odd festival that provides an interesting insight into the local culture here. The air is filled with the aroma of barbecue sauce and roasting animal flesh. The sound of a band nobody knows can be heard in the distance. The few local stores that haven't been driven out of business are having discount sales with loads of crap that they haven't been able to get rid of for the past 20 years. A scary array of people have invaded from the surrounding countryside. Antique cars and motorcycles of all varieties cruise the streets. To the uninitiated, it's a scary experience.

Over the years, I've created a lot of free promotional art for the city to use at functions like this. Wandering around town is kind of strange for me, as I get to see what new (and often horrifying) ways my work has been used. Here's the original logo I created for Founders' Days a decade ago (we're the "Early American City" and have faux gas-lamps around town)...

Founders' Days

And here's the type of "improvements" you might see...

Founders' Days

Sweet! It's like a clip art CD exploded all over everything.

Anyway... my friend Nadine emailed me with the news that August 18-20 is Bats Day at Disneyland! She knows of my secret desire to dress up like a goth for big fun at the Happiest Place on Earth...

Dave Goth

About the only thing that would be more fun would be a Pirate Day at Disneyland. Whoa... wait a second... how cool would it be to have GOTH PIRATE DAY AT DISNEYLAND?!?

Dave Pirate Goth

Of course, as far as I am concerned, EVERY DAY is Goth Pirate Day!

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Rent

Posted on Monday, June 26th, 2006

Dave!When asked to describe Blogography, the words most people tend to use are "strange" or "weird". A typical quote I run across is much like this one from Nikki: "kind of odd, but very entertaining". Basically, people find Blogography to be crazy-insane, and often-times don't know what to make of it (even though they may visit regularly). So, despite the fact that I said I would never change my blog to make others happy, it seems kind of rude considering how many people leave nice comments and write me nifty emails.

With that in mind, I've decided to make my blog more like other blogs. That way, maybe visitors will be more comfortable when they visit and won't be all weirded out. But where to start? Perhaps I should cruise random blogs and pick five areas of improvement I can work on? Let's give that a try.

PART ONE: RENTERS!
It seems like most blogs I visit now-a-days have something called "renters". And it doesn't end there... blogs that have renters are forever begging people to click on them.... "Please click on my renter" they say. "Go visit my renter" they plead. "You should click on my renter" they demand. Alrighty then, I'll get me a renter:

Dooce!

My renter is DOOCE because heaven only knows she needs some of my sweet traffic numbers. And she's probably one of the few bloggers that could afford my outrageous rental fees. So please click on my renter. Click it now. Go ahead, just click that little picture. Why are you still reading this when you should be visiting my renter? Hey! Seriously, CLICK MY RENTER! DO IT! DO IT! CLICK IT NOW, BITCH!! CLIIIIIICK MYYYYYYY RENTERRRR!

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that Dooce isn't really renting anything here. But I like to think that she is. And here's how I fantasize the conversation would go...

DOOCE: (picking up phone) Hello?
   
DAVE: Hello Heather, this is Dave...
   
DOOCE: Wait a second... THE Dave? BLOGOGRAPHY DAVE?!?
   
DAVE: Yep, that's me. I'm going to start renting space on my blog and...
   
DOOCE: (squeels) OMG! You mean I won't have to entice my child into doing crazy shit so I can attract new readers? I can just pay money to get traffic from Blogography?
   
DAVE: Sure! And it's bargain-priced at only $10,000 a month!
   
DOOCE: Sign me up! (covering phone mouthpiece with her hand) JON! JON!! PUT THE BABY DOWN, JON! YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL LETA HOW MUCH FUN IT IS TO STICK PAPERCLIPS IN ELECTRICAL OUTLETS NOW! WE'RE JUST GOING TO RENT SPACE AT BLOGOGRAPHY TO GET MORE TRAFFIC!!

PART TWO: ADS!
I must be one of the last people in the entire blogiverse who has yet to put Google Ads on their site. Much to my surprise, whoring yourself out for Google payola is a quick and painless process which took me all of twenty minutes to apply and be approved for...

Now I can beg for readers to click my renters AND my ads! This is actually good news, because if my bandwidth bills keep going through the roof, I may just have to start putting ads on my blog. It's something I've never wanted, but the monthly shuffle between four different hosting servers to ensure the site keeps running is getting a little old.

PART THREE: TIP JAR!
Speaking of begging, it seems quite a few blogs have tip jars. Though why anybody would want to pay for the crap I write here is completely beyond my ability to comprehend...

Tipjar

What I really love are those sites who beg for cash when they are lucky to write once a week. Or how about people who ask for cash and totally suck? I am a bit surprised at why some sites have tip jars at all, and have to wonder if they honestly think that people will want to give them money for posting pictures of their hamster and writing about some boring conversation they had with their tax attorney. I dunno... maybe people do pay money for that. All I know is that unless it's a blog that's better than other paid entertainment (or contains gratuitous breast nudity), I can't imagine tip jars being worth the effort.

PART FOUR: QUIT!
I haven't threatened to quit blogging in quite a while now. I've seriously considered it a few times, yet there was only once that I was confident it was going to happen. But a random run through the blogosphere shows a shocking number of blogs that haven't been updated in months... some haven't been updated in years. So it would seem one of the most popular ways to make my blog more like other blogs is to quit writing in it. And then, after a long hiatus, bloggers always start out their next entry with "I haven't written here in a while——" which I find hysterical, because it sounds as if they think their visitors are incapable of reading the date. Oh well. In many ways I actually envy people who quit blogging... they obviously have much cooler stuff going on in their life than I do, and much better things to occupy their time.

PART FIVE: SONG LYRICS!
It seems that I am never lacking for some crazy crap to write here and, for better or worse, I try my best not to copy content from other blogs, the news, or whatever. The furthest I've gone has been movie quotes and memes. But if a bunch of song lyrics is what it takes to be more like other blogs, then I'll go ahead and put some in an extended entry.

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  64 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Dead

Posted on Tuesday, June 27th, 2006

Dave!FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

David Simmer II, 40, noted humanitarian, beloved blogger, graphical design genius, brilliant commentator on world events, originator of the Daveism movement, and founder of the Church of Daveology, died June 27 at his home in Central Washington State. He was worked to death.

Best known for his insanely popular online journal, Blogography, Simmer's fame was far-reaching for his numerous successful ventures including Daveland, his own theme park, and The Dave Resort.

Mr. Simmer was born March 24, 1966, in San Diego, California. His genius was evident very early in life, and he quickly became the foremost authority on dumbass identification and classification. Realizing that most people in the world were complete idiots, Mr. Simmer went on to form a society for those persons of intelligence and innate brilliance. Initially referred to as "Dave Nation", this organization was the eventual cornerstone for the founding of the Church of Daveology.

After his death had been declared, a formal statement was released by the Daveism Advocacy Center...

"We are deeply saddened by the death of our Most Revered Overlord and spiritual leader. The loss to our church, if not the entire world, is incalculable. But as it is said in the Book of Daveism, 'Let all who follow in The Way of Dave know that they will live on forever in His most sublime grace'."

Declaring that any death of so great a man is a crime against nature, the scene of Mr. Simmer's death was secured as a World Heritage Site, and preserved in every detail by local authorities.

Dave is Dead
Photograph property of the World Heritage Society

Survivors include his millions of Blogography readers and an extended family. Simmer is to be interned in the courtyard of his 50-story tall monument located at the 200,000 acre Dave National Park (formerly known as Mt. Rainier National Park). A formal burial service will be performed by the Church of Daveology's Most Revered Sub-Overlord, Dane Cook. Donations may be sent to the Dave Memorial Fund, c/o The Daveism Advocacy Center at Daveland.

   

Argh. Two. More. Days. To. Go...

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Scotty

Posted on Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

Dave!Ask any designer, and they'll tell you that deadlines are the bane of their existence.

It's very difficult to be creative on a schedule. You get used to it, of course, but you never really like it. Except when you've been killing yourself for three weeks and the deadline is the only thing that can put you out of your misery. Tomorrow is D-Day and, as much as I am dreading it from a creative standpoint, I am positively elated on every other level. To be able to sleep more than 2 or 3 hours a night is a luxury that I have all but forgotten. Last night I didn't sleep at all, but instead took a nap for an hour-and-a-half. Tonight will be the same, I'm sure.

This is a bad thing, because lack of sleep and mental exhaustion is making me a bit cranky.

Today I very nearly killed somebody.

As I was pulling into my apartment complex, some bitch was obstructing the driveway because she was trying to read her mail, smoke a cigarette, and drink a Diet Pepsi all at the same time. This kind of multi-tasking was clearly beyond her mental abilities, so she didn't have the sense to get the f#@% out of the way. Instead, she just wandered aimlessly down the middle of the road, blocking me out. EVEN AFTER SHE TURNED AND NOTICED ME WAITING THERE!

And the entire time, all I could think of was how easy it would be to run the stupid bitch down and grind her into the pavement. The part of my brain that would usually be horrified by the thought of such a thing was sleeping, and so it seemed like the perfectly logical thing to do. So there I was ready to kill this dumbass bitch, when I blacked out...

... and then suddenly I was in my parking space.

For a moment, I was terrified that I actually did run her down, but then I looked back and saw her stupid ass still wandering in a daze, and was only partially relieved (apparently THAT part of my brain was asleep as well).

It was then that I sat in my car and thought about how much I love Star Trek.

The ORIGINAL Star Trek. The REAL Star Trek...

Dave Spock

Until today, I always thought that my favorite Star Trek character was Spock. I mean, I loved them all, but Mr. Spock was my favorite. Then, all of a sudden, I realize that my REAL favorite character is Scotty, and always had been.

Mr. Scott was always so brilliant under the pressure of ridiculous deadlines. The Captain would get everybody in a big mess, and then scream down at Scotty to do something fast or else the shit was going to hit the fan. Scotty would then say it was going to take an hour to fix whatever was wrong. The Captain then went ape-shit and told Mr. Scott that he had 15 minutes or everybody dies.

And Scotty would somehow pull it off. Every time.

Then we find out that Scotty would always multiply his time estimates by a factor of four so that everybody would think of him as a miracle worker. This, as I have just now realized, was positively brilliant.

I've been doing it wrong all this time.

You can learn a lot by watching Star Trek.

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Rest

Posted on Thursday, June 29th, 2006

Dave!It's over! Oh oh oh ohhhhhhhver!

I have been living in cave for the past few weeks, so I am just now catching up on the news. Much to my surprise (and relief) our Beloved Leader didn't decide to "liberate" any more countries while I was gone. About the only thing I did notice was the flag-burning ban vote, and that was only because I was getting massive traffic to my entry on flag burning. And only part of that traffic was idiots trying to hotlink to my (theoretical) picture of a guy with diarrhea crapping in a G-string (also a pleasant surprise).

In addition to the news, here's some other stuff I've got to catch up with this weekend...

  1. Read the 246 unanswered emails piled in my inbox.
  2. View the 2032 new entries stuffed in my feed reader.
  3. Watch the 17 television shows stacked in my TiVo.
  4. Buy groceries.
  5. Go through my mail from the past month.
  6. Pay my bills from the past month.
  7. Sleep.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to skip right down to #7 and get some much-needed rest.

Goodnight!

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink  19 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Hotness

Posted on Friday, June 30th, 2006

Dave!I have a bit of a confession.

While I was working these past weeks, I had a friend approving my comments. Oh sure, I took time out of my busy schedule to read each and every one (because I love me the comments that much), but I just didn't have time to weed through the spam and haters every time a comment needed to be approved. Rather than let them stack up for a month, I had somebody lend a hand. It was as close to my dream "COMMENT-A-TRON 3000" as I'm likely to ever get.

Well, now that I'm back, I'm looking through the comments that were held for some reason or another. Surprisingly, only two were outright nasty (deleted it!). The remaining three were positively reprehensible...

Somebody with a vendetta against Elizabeth Hurley decided to inform me of their insanity on three separate entries.

It's not the first time, and I just don't get it. Do these people honestly feel that I give a crap about trolls who have to say inflammatory trash to get attention? Do they believe in any possible way that I'm going to approve comments with such vile, hateful, filth even if it weren't about the utter perfection that is Elizabeth Hurley? Let's review REALITY here...

Dave Hotness

For the benefit of the learning impaired, I've constructed the above chart to illustrate How Things Are... with the sublime hotness of Elizabeth Hurley at the top, and decreasing levels of hotness following below.

Now, given my understanding of REALITY, the level of stupidity it would take for somebody to think that any ludicrous comment could possibly change my mind about Liz is truly distrubing.

And kind of sad.

These people have nothing better to do with their life?

And speaking of "disturbing hotness" I ran across this image while doing a Google search for something I now forget...

Latex Nun

It's a latex nun. With a cat-o-nine-tails. When I look at it I don't know whether to become aroused, hide under my bed, or start crying. All I do know is that latex is some freaky-cool stuff. For some big fun, you can see other wacky creations at The Latex Lounge. I had thought of ordering me some latex biker shorts to wear while running errands around town, but $130 is a bit steep for a half-pair of pants. A thong is only $37.50, but I would probably get arrested for wearing that in the conservative wilds of Central Washington.

But the minute I have $485 burning a hole in my pocket... that Captain's Jacket is smokin'!

Of course, then I'd have to get the $450 pants to go with it.

And a sash. It's just not complete without a sash.

   

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